I think a change will do you good.

At what point did my life change? How did I go from being the geeky punk girl to the Mom with four kids that enjoys a nice evening in pinning things for daughterʻs eighth donut party sleepover?  I feel like after the point of thirty itʻs kind of mandatory to have your shit together, or at least to understand your own self a little bit more.

But I donʻt even know.  Iʻm on my first "real" Summer break before school starts again in August, only real in the sense that I took two full-load semesters last year and beginning with the semester coming up I will be taking five classes a semester until I graduate.  While I thought Summer vacation would be some fantasy world full of free Starbucks and yoga on the beach- it feels almost worse then being in school.  I still canʻt catch up with the house, I still get frustrated with my kids, stress and real life are still the same I just donʻt have the excuse of homework anymore.  Ahh, where I made the mistake was believing that not going to school would reduce my anxiety level really it just adds on to my normal anxiety level which can never be lowered.  Ha.  Right.

So yeah, Iʻm working on it.  I thought that since I allegedly do have all this free time I no longer have the excuse not to blog either.  I love blogging, I just havenʻt figured out my "thing" yet.  Sounds about right.  I guess Iʻm willing to keep trying to figure it out.

I have done a lot more cooking and baking since being on break but I've been a bit lazy and weary to continue using social media to post my pictures first and then copy and paste them on to here.  Which is Iʻm sure the most rudimentary way to do that but like I said before, I really suck at anything computer related.  I just need to get back into writing and posting and etc. but for just this time instead Iʻll just give you a link for some awesome Apple Crumb muffins I made for my book club last week.  They were moist and everyone loved them even my fruit-hating son.

Enjoy and Aloha!

Glazed Apple Crumb Muffins

http://sallysbakingaddiction.com/2014/06/10/glazed-apple-crumb-muffins/

Look who's back? [Mango Coconut Chia Pudding]

So, as you may have noticed the blog hasn't changed much.  None at all actually.
I had great high hopes of finding some awesome computer genius that could re-vamp my blog for me and I would come back to it with refreshed dreams and high hopes of being a "real" blogger.
But, that failed.  And I'm learning to be ok with that.

I missed blogging, but I didn't know if I would come back to it.  Sure, I liked it.  I love writing and trying new recipes, sharing them with friends and maybe even getting a little feedback but the part that made me want to stay away was the thought in my head that I just wasn't good enough.

I can't sew.

I can't take professional looking pictures.

I can't write that well.

I can't draw crappy comic strips to go along with hilarious stories.

I'm not a baby wearing, cloth diapering, all things crunchy guru.

I'm not the best at anything really and that fact was really starting to bum me out.  It's not good to compare yourself all the time because most of the time you're going to end up feeling pretty mediocre.

I try my best as a Mother but I'm not the gentlest or most patient and I never will be.  I apologize to my children daily.  I'm not the best homeschooler.  The best baker or cook or sister or friend.  I'm not the best blogger with the hippest looking blog and sponsors, I don't even know how to make a link?  Make a link, is that a thing?  And I'm an even worse wife when I compare myself to others.  I don't leave my husband love post-its on the fridge everyday.  I usually have a messy house and I struggle with letting my husband be the head of our household when sometimes I think things should be done a different way, sorry about that babe.

But I'm learning to take a step back.  What good does it do us to compare ourselves to others?  What do we get out of it except for a bruised ego and the feeling of not being enough.  What does that teach my children?  That they should never try for fear that they may never be the best?

And oh, is that ever true.  If you're constantly comparing yourself to someone else you'll never measure up.  And if I truly believe that this world is but a vapor there's really no use in comparing anyways.

I shouldn't try and measure myself with this world's measuring stick when God doesn't require that of me.  The knowledge I have through him is worth far more than any recognition, fame or money I can make in this life and that the Mother & Wife I want to be through God may not be the one the World thinks is the best.  I want to take pride in my accomplishments, at how far I have come and not look even further ahead to that woman I envy who seems to have it all together.  Who knows who she's comparing herself to?  And maybe the secret to her success is that she's not. 

Once I stop comparing myself, I might just give myself a little credit. 

Came across this recipe the other day and was pretty stoked.  I bought a Costco sized bag of Chia seeds and have been searching for ways to use them.  This "pudding" sounded delicious since it's Mango season here and the island is starting to heat up!

No dairy.  No soy.  No gluten. Vegan.

Could also easily be made nut free by replacing the almond milk with rice milk.

Also, try different variations!  I think next time Ill make this with chocolate almond milk, almonds & blueberries.  Yum.

Happy eating!

Mango Coconut Chia Pudding

1/2 cup Unsweetened Almond Milk

1/2 cup Lite Coconut Milk [the kind in the can]

4 tbs. Chia Seeds

2 tbs. Sweetened Shredded Coconut

1 mango, cut into cubes

2 tbs. Honey

1.  In a bowl whisk together both milks, honey and chia seeds.

2.  Stir in mango and coconut until throughly combined.

3.  Cover and refrigerate over night!

4.  Feel free to top with more fruit, honey, granola or whatever sounds good!  I put hemp seeds on top of mine for even more nutritional value.

Enjoy! 

Lenten musings and a Fridge Pickle recipe.

It's that time of year again, every good Catholic gone bad's worst nightmare.

Lent.

A time to reflect on the things we've done wrong, that we KNOW we've done wrong.  To confess our sins and repent.  To attempt to do better, and try to grasp what a great sacrifice God made for us.

In many years past Lent has been a surface thing for me, get ashes put on your forehead, go to Jamba Juice, everyone knows your a Christian.  Good to go.   Even in the things I decided to give up for Lent, they were superficial and at best just a semi-Godly diet plan.  Give up soda for 40 days for God?

Sure!  Maybe I'll lose weight in the process.....never mind the fact that I can never do something for 40 days.  I'm not a very consistent person, I change my mind constantly and I can always come up with another reason as to why, just this once it's ok. "We're on vacation!" "It's a federal holiday, I mean we're not expected to observe Lent too right?" "I decided to change my Lent fast to chocolate." Etc. 

But all in all, they're excuses.  Why am I unable to give up such a small thing in the effort to truly remember what God has given up for me?  Most likely because I just didn't want to. This past year my relationship with God has grown in ways I never imagine and I really wanted to make it something that would help remind me of that sacrifice, that would strengthen my relationship with God, not just make it another thing I could somehow work my way around if I knew enough loop holes.

I thought of giving up social media, which wouldn't be bad, mostly Instagram just stops me from eating my meals right when they're done cause I have to take a picture but all in all innocent.  I thought of giving up meat or grains or dairy.  But all of those we're just diet variations for me and when I'm not eating those things I'm not thinking of God, I'm thinking about how annoying it is that I can't eat those things.  

I've prayed about it and it keeps coming back to the same thing, my negativity.  I get this adorable trait from my Father, thanks Dad! And I'm sure I've only added to it myself.  In general I wouldn't say I'm negative but I think I'm confusing negativity with complaining.  I can be positive, it has happened and I have become a more positive person than the surly pissed off 18 year old I once was but this certain dude I live with has commented on my negativity more than a few times.  Sorry babe. 

So for 40 days I will TRY to not be negative.  I am certain I will fail many times.  But I will try, to see the good in things, the positives in myself and my life.  The beautiful wonderful life God has provided me and in my positivity I will remember him.  I can't be negative about myself, my looks, my weight, etc if I truly want to honor God who gave me this body in the first place.  I already feel like this has rubbed off a little bit on Lily and the thought that she would think badly of herself at such a young age because I am so negative about myself is devastating.  No negative talk about other people, also known as gossip.  You caught me.  And my biggest killer, negativity about my home.  It is easy for me to get caught up and anxious about what I CAN'T do that I never focus on what I CAN do.  What I HAVE done.  So time to let it be, let God's love remind me of all the positives in my life and how blessed I truly am.

And food!  We're leaving for Orlando, Florida on Sunday, yeay!  For about a week so I've been cooking/eating everything in the fridge to get ready for this.  I made the mistake of buying a Costco pack of cucumbers last week and still had 2 left that were not long for this world.  I decided pickles were the way to go!  Seriously easy, so easy to adapt and change and tasty!  I made these and ate them a few hours later and they were already delicious.  

Mama Cole's Sweet & Spicy Fridge Pickles

[This recipe makes enough for 2 - 16 oz. Mason jars.  Divide each amount into two, half in each jar.]

2 English Cucumbers, sliced 1/4 inch thick

1/2 cup Unfiltered Apple Cider Vinegar

4 tsp. chili pepper flakes

1/4 cup sugar

2 cloves of garlic, smashed

2 tbs. Kosher salt

Water

[1] In the bottom of each mason jar put apple cider vinegar, chili flakes, sugar, garlic cloves and salt.

[2] Place lids on jars and shake to dissolve sugar and salt.

[3] Add cucumber slices to jars and then fill to the top with water!

[4] Seal and place in fridge! 

 I like my pickles crunchy so I eat mine right away but you can let them sit for up to a month.  

Enjoy!  This recipe can easily be adapted for more or less.  If you don't like spicy omit the pepper flake, if you want to make dill pickles omit the sugar and chili flakes and add fresh dill and peppercorns.  Try out your own combos and have fun!

The end is near. End of 2012 that is. [Blueberry Velvet Cake]

I can't believe Christmas is in 15 days.

I can't believe this year is almost over.  It has been a crazy, exciting, growing, hard and wonderful year all at once.  We got pregnant with our 4th child.  We took a 3 week long road trip to the Pacific Northwest.  We moved across the ocean to Hawaii, again.  We almost broke up.  But we didn't.

We had our 4th child.  We grew stronger.  The kids grew older.  We grew up a little more.

We continued homeschooling.  We fell in love all over again. We moved for the 6th time since we've been married.  We celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary.  I turned 28.  I let go of the past.  

I struggled to be the woman I want my daughters to be proud of.  I tried to learn patience.

I gave up on always being in control.  I baked, A LOT.  I prayed. 

 I missed old friends & made new ones.  

I laughed.  I laid on the beach while the kids played in the sand.  I hiked on a cliff overlooking the ocean.  I watched my children sleep.  I spent way too much money on Target & Starbucks.  I voted.

I stressed about everything.  I saw babies being born.  I had my first home birth.  I took pictures.

I wrapped presents.  I kissed my kids.  I forgave. 

[Gutierrez Family Christmas Card!  I'm pretty excited about it if you couldn't tell.]

This has been an exhausting, amazing year.  Parts of it I never thought I would make it through and I'm still amazed to see myself standing sometimes.  I know they say as you get older the faster time goes and I definitely get that now.  I can't believe it's been almost a year since we've been back in Hawaii.

Our house is finally starting to feel like our home, we've added another beautiful member to our family, I've gotten to experience things I never though I would.  Both good and bad.  Life is constantly changing and as much as that scares me sometimes I am just in awe. 

Where will we be a year from now?  What will God choose for us to do?  Will we listen?

I am constantly amazed by this journey of life and how it is always changing.
 I'm ready to live this life to the fullest and I can't wait to see what 2013 brings for us.  

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you.

Plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Now for the recipe!

This would be an awesome New Year's Eve cake.  It's just so pretty and definitely good for a special occasion.  I made it just cause I wanted to and ended up slowly eating the whole cake piece by piece because the kids refused to eat anything with actual fruit in it.  

And I wonder why I'm gaining weight?  Anyways......

Try it!  It's delicious and worth the work.

I didn't adapt this recipe at all and all of a sudden I'm dead tired.....

possibly cause it's 1 o'clock in the morning?  Eh. 

So, here is a link to this wonderful cake!  Enjoy.

http://www.iheartchocolatemilk.com/2012/06/07/blueberry-velvet-cake-with-cream-cheese-frosting/

Mommy needs a beer. For....Cheddar Beer Bread!

Ahh.....the lovely 6 weeks post partum mark.

When all of reality comes back to kick you in the neck and ask you,

"Why would you think another child is a good idea??!"

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my baby girl.  She is all that is good about babies, chunky, sweet, sleeps a lot, little dimpled smiles.  Sigh.  But oh yeah, the other three.

I am starting to feel delirious.  I thought before was bad.  Three kids and 8 months pregnant was chill!

Another diaper to change, another person to cloth before we leave the house.  Another person to please, and this little person is only pleased by one thing!  Boobies.  Which happen to be attached to me and make it near impossible to get anything else done.

[My idea of a good time!]

This isn't really supposed to be one of those pity me blogs, cause it's not.  I don't pity myself and in general I love my life, there's not much to pity.  I get to be with my kids all day, I get to go to school, drink Starbucks, go shopping at Target, eat dinner with my husband every night. I mean honestly I don't need much to be happy.  Or maybe it's the opposite?  

I don't need much, but I do need it to be my way.......

Anyways!  Life is hard right now, I'm not going to lie.  I feel like sometimes my blogs are TOO happy?

If that's a thing?  Or maybe that they're a little misleading.  You didn't REALLY think I had all my shit together did you?  Ha, I'm such a great illusionist.

I've also started following a bunch of people on Instagram that I don't know.  This might seem irrelevant but it's going somewhere, I promise.  I see all these beautiful Moms with platinum hair and red lips making their kids homemade bone broth and fresh squeezed orange juice popsicles [wtf?!] for lunch and it makes me feel grossly inadequate.  I know I shouldn't compare myself, and for a long time I was doing good on that one but lately I have just been feeling like I'm not enough.

[I did vote tho!  So that counts for something right? :]

I'm not a good enough Mother, I can't keep all four of my children quiet for an hour and a half church service while my husband plays music and I try to get someone to hold the babies while I go up and play drums.

I'm not a good enough Wife, I complain.  I nag.
I do things over because he didn't do them the way I would have.

I'm not a good enough friend, if you text me with a 911 message I might text you back.  Next week.

I'm not a good enough student, I do every assignment an hour before it's due so as I'm doing it there's an awesome red countdown system that makes me feel like I'm also going to pass out from anxiety.

I'm not patient enough.  I'm not soft enough.
I'm not ladylike enough.  I'm not thin enough.

I'm not crunchy enough.

The list could go on, but do I want it to?  

I need to come to understand that no, I will never be enough.  I will never be a perfect version of all those things because I will never be a perfect person.  But luckily I don't need to be.

My identity, although I'm working on it, should first and foremost be in God.  Which is why I think I've been thinking so much about how I'm not enough.  I have definitely not been faithful enough,  I haven't been praying enough, tithing enough, trying enough.

It is so easy to let God go, to fall from his grasp and to turn myself to the daily buzz of life.  Such a hard routine to get into, thinking about him everyday, praying, listening, making him a priority when my day feels like it can't possibly hold anymore. 

 I can feel myself slipping away, getting weaker, so I know what I need to do to not let this world get to me the way it has before and it's never too late to start again.

Luckily my God forgives and to Him I will always be enough.

And now of course, the food!
Made this Cheddar Beer Bread for Tulip's Baptism and it was a hit!
I love the edges where the cheese & butter meet and make delicious crispy heaven.  Yum.

Cheddar Beer Bread

3 cups AP Flour
2 tbs. Sugar
I tbs. Baking Powder
1 tsp. Salt
2 tbs. Honey
1 cup shredded Cheddar
1-12 oz. Bottle of Beer [I used Samuel Adams Pumpkin Harvest]
4-8 tbs. Butter [1/2-Whole Stick], melted.
*This depends on how buttery you want it, I used a whole stick and it was crazy good but REALLY buttery, I probably would do a half stick next time.

[1] In a stand mixer blend together all the dry ingredients.
[2] Using the dough hook add in your beer and honey and knead for 5 minutes or so. Add cheese and knead 1 more minute.
[3] Using a pastry brush pour half your melted butter into a loaf pan.  Make sure pan is completely greased.
[4] Pour dough into loaf pan & drizzle the rest of the butter on top.
[5] Bake for an hour at 350 degrees.  

Nesting, nesting.....1,2,3.

Oh the joys of being a mother, the things that once would have been a burden are now my "guilty pleasures."  One of those things is cleaning a house in peace!  Yes, I love it.  

It seems weird but there is nothing more relaxing to me than cleaning the house in peace & quiet.  Well kidless, peace and quiet.  Some music on, today's pick is the Death Cab for Cutie Pandora station to get myself pumped up for the concert next week. [!] Maybe some iced coffee if I'm lucky, feeling a little shaky today so trying to stick to iced water.  All in all, the ability to actually finish something is great for my list making, task buster self.  

I realized today that Tulip is due in just 40 or so days!  Yikes!  While I'm all ready to snuggle my newborn babe I am NOT ready housewise.  My nesting instinct has kicked in full force since our visitors left and as I type I just pulled Marshmallow Blondies out of the oven and am washing a load of cloth diapers.   But still, there is more to do.  This blog is probably for myself more than anything, but then again aren't they all?  But I figured with that little time left I better make a list of what I'd like to accomplish.  Hopefully I can fit in everything I would like cleaned and organized among school for the kids, school for me, midwife appts, birthday parties, church, weddings, and relaxing.

 I know everything will be ok even if I can't get it all done, which I know in reality, I can't.  Especially with 3 young kids, I can't even keep 1 room clean for a whole day let alone our whole house!  Before this might have driven me to the brink, panic attacks and anxiety abound.  But now, ahh that peace.
  I really have been loving it.
It is such a release to know that regardless of what happens a clean house and a finished list are not the goals of this life, although my Type A personality will still beg to differ.

1.  Kitchen:  Clean under sink.  Organize under oven.  Deep clean fridge & freezer.  Clean windows. 

2.  Laundry Room:  Set up light/colored baskets.  

     Get rid of random crap that's not supposed to be in there.

3.  Pantry:  Organize drawers, move foil etc. to bench storage in dining room.  Purge Tupperware.                   

     Organize snacks.  Make list of things to stock up on.  Figure out what to make with all those dried  

     beans?  Sweep whole back room. 

4.  Back storage room:  Get rid of stuff!  Put together baby swing.  Take out all baby related items.

     Sort Christmas presents & make list of who we still need to shop for.  Label all boxes.

5.  Front storage room:  Clean out, get rid of useless stuff.  Rotate kid's clothes, put clothes too big for  

     now in storage.  Store ice chest & folding chairs.

6.  Bathroom:  Organize all pull-out cubicles.  Deep clean!!!  Make Dawn shower cleaner.  Get shower 

     bar for kid's toys. Clean windows. 

7.  Dining Room/Front Pantry:  Organize!  Clean all shelves.  Fill dry goods jars.  Make grocery list.

     Get rid of least used cook books.  Sort kid's book toybox.  Fold kitchen towels. Wood polish table.

     Clean ceiling fan & adjacent wall. 

8.  Living Room:  Clean/Organize white bookshelf.  Get rid of at least 5 things on it.  Put up last 2 big 

     picture frames, worry about printing new pictures later.  Clean entertainment center drawers.  

     Febreeze couch & carpets.  Wipe down walls.

9.  Tulip's Area [Front Room]:  Set up crib.  Put on new bedding.  Hang up circus tent.  Get white  

     shelving unit for clothes.  Organize/sort clothes.  Prep newborn diapers.

10. Bedroom:  Finish building closet walls.  Finish wall between our room & kid's room.  Organize 

      closet.  Get rid of AT LEAST 15 pieces of clothing and/or pairs of shoes, purses.  Finish organizing

      desk area.  Deep-clean mattress.  Clean white fan & move it to pantry. 

11. Kid's Room:  Get rid of stuff!  Finish sorting kid's clothes.  Clean ceiling & floor fans. Wipe walls. 

      Febreeze beds & carpets.  Organize dress-up stuff.  Set up table for art? Hook up DVD player. 

12. Van:  Get all crap out!  Vacuum SUPER good.  Re-arrange car seats.  Get new tires & oil change.

      Febreeze.  Get right sized bin for beach/outdoor stuff to store under Lily's seat.  Clean & install    

      Tulip's car seat.

13.  Downstairs back lanai:  Get all of our stuff moved to storage unit.  Put clothesline stuff in a 

       clean/organized area.  Fix tire on Phil & Ted's stroller. 

14.  Kid's classroom:  Organize!  Work on curriculum for rest of 2012.  Get girl's AHG badge binders  

       started.  Put together a Take it to the Streets binder for Lily & Jonas.  Prep Sunday school 

       curriculum for rest of 2012. 

15.  Misc.:  Return disposable diapers to Costco.  Exchange Diaper Genie and baby gate at Babies R' 

       Us.  Turn off Netflix subscription.   

This blog should probably come with a disclaimer that says something like....

 "Andy, do not read this blog."  

I have really high hopes that I can get all of this stuff done, and I love love love my lists.  I figure if I don't take any breaks, rest or breathe I can take two days to get each thing on my list done and still have a few days of rest before Miss Tulip arrives!  Not to mention that I have a creeping sensation she might be a little early, but we'll have to see if that one is right!

So here's a recipe for those Marshmallow Blondies!  They are so sweet but seriously so good.
Sometimes I'm just craving something not healthy & delicious and these just so happen to fit the bill.

Disappearing Marshmallow Blondies
from www.bakedperfection.com

1 cup butterscotch chips
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter
1 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup brown sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 eggs
2 cups mini marshmallows
2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

1.  Melt the butterscotch chips & butter over low-medium heat in saucepan.  Whisk constantly until smooth, don't leave this or it will end up badly!  When it's done pour into a stand mixer bowl.  Turn on low.

2.  Add the flour, brown sugar, baking powder, salt, vanilla & eggs.  The mixture will look weird at times, don't worry keep adding and mixing.  

3.  When it creates a thick batter turn off the mixer and fold in the marshmallows and chocolate chips.

4.  Pour batter into a greased 9x13 pan and bake in a 350 degree oven for 25-30 minutes.

5.  Let cool for at least a few hours otherwise they will be impossible to cut!  Our house is so hot right now they never really set all the way so I think I will put them in the fridge tomorrow.

Brave Review & Yogurt Avocado Dip

Took Lily & 3 of my younger sisters to see Brave today.

And I must say I was pleasantly surprised!  It was so good, and I am not one for kid's movies in the slightest.  If we ever attempt to watch one together at home I end up getting up about 20 minutes into it to start cleaning the kitchen or something, I just can't focus that well on what I feel is "kid stuff."

I can barely focus on adult stuff so I guess thats a whole different story.

I really had no idea what the story was about, just that she was a little red-headed archer who liked to get into trouble.  Little did I know that it was a perfect Mother/Daughter movie and was so happy that I got to take Lily to see it.  We've been having some screaming matches lately, which I do admit start on my end and maybe she's just now getting old enough to be able to yell back.  My short-fuse is something I struggle with everyday and I hate the fact that my kids will come to know that about me.  

I am constantly praying for patience and restraint, my weakness being taken out on my children never feels good. 

It was a great wake up call, and being pregnant & hormonal didn't help add to the dramatics of it all.  But I am truly blessed to have such a loving, spunky, kind, and yes, brave daughter.

The story was cute & presented in a way that I liked.  Neither the mother or daughter were in the wrong but each had a different way of thinking & were in a different place in their lives.  In the end all that mattered was the love they had for one another.  

It will definitely be one we buy, Pixar never seems to fail!  

[My happy crew after the movie!  They loved it!]

And now for the food!  This recipe doesn't really tie into the movie at all but the color did remind me of all the beautiful scenery in Scotland.  Either way, it would make a great movie snack....if you can just find a way to sneak it in.  

Yogurt Avocado Dip

adapted from www.twopeasandtheirpod.com

1/2 cup Greek yogurt

2 ripe avocados

1 jalapeño

1 small handful cilantro

2 cloves of garlic

Juice of 2 limes

Cumin, Salt & Pepper to taste

I used our Ninja for this but a blender or food processor works the same!

[1] Peel & seed avocados.  Add to blender with Greek yogurt.

[2] Roughly chop jalapeño, cilantro & garlic.  Add to blender.

[3] Blend on high until everything is blended & smooth.

[4] Season to your taste with lime juice, salt, pepper & cumin!  

Serve chilled with pita chips.

Side note:  If you don't like spicy you can omit or seed the jalapeño.  We love spicy in our house so I did not!