I think a change will do you good.

At what point did my life change? How did I go from being the geeky punk girl to the Mom with four kids that enjoys a nice evening in pinning things for daughterʻs eighth donut party sleepover?  I feel like after the point of thirty itʻs kind of mandatory to have your shit together, or at least to understand your own self a little bit more.

But I donʻt even know.  Iʻm on my first "real" Summer break before school starts again in August, only real in the sense that I took two full-load semesters last year and beginning with the semester coming up I will be taking five classes a semester until I graduate.  While I thought Summer vacation would be some fantasy world full of free Starbucks and yoga on the beach- it feels almost worse then being in school.  I still canʻt catch up with the house, I still get frustrated with my kids, stress and real life are still the same I just donʻt have the excuse of homework anymore.  Ahh, where I made the mistake was believing that not going to school would reduce my anxiety level really it just adds on to my normal anxiety level which can never be lowered.  Ha.  Right.

So yeah, Iʻm working on it.  I thought that since I allegedly do have all this free time I no longer have the excuse not to blog either.  I love blogging, I just havenʻt figured out my "thing" yet.  Sounds about right.  I guess Iʻm willing to keep trying to figure it out.

I have done a lot more cooking and baking since being on break but I've been a bit lazy and weary to continue using social media to post my pictures first and then copy and paste them on to here.  Which is Iʻm sure the most rudimentary way to do that but like I said before, I really suck at anything computer related.  I just need to get back into writing and posting and etc. but for just this time instead Iʻll just give you a link for some awesome Apple Crumb muffins I made for my book club last week.  They were moist and everyone loved them even my fruit-hating son.

Enjoy and Aloha!

Glazed Apple Crumb Muffins

http://sallysbakingaddiction.com/2014/06/10/glazed-apple-crumb-muffins/

Whirlwind Woman [Happy Birthday Oreo Cake Batter Blondies!]

So, lately life has been a whirlwind.  I'm sure most people understand that.  Not enough time for anything, or just a little time for everything and nothing finished.  Kind of like how I clean the house, as I walk from room to room I stop and fold some laundry here, pick up some trash there, throw some toys in a bin over here.....the end result is nothing really being done.

But for now, I'm okay with that.  We recently decided as a family that I will be continuing my college education for oh, 6 more years or so.  The decision was daunting and it required a lot for me to realize that I will not, cannot be the Mom that does everything.  Taking a full college load, being a mother of 4 young children, working part-time in addition to being a wife, friend, and very sporadic blogger means I cannot do it all.  And on the worst days I can't do any of it.

I'm trying my best for now, to relax about it.  I have come to understand that my anxieties are not just my own but a burden on my family and also in direct relation to my trust in God.  If He has set me on this path I must trust that each day will take care of itself.  My laundry may never be completely done, my kid's might have unbrushed hair and unorganized rooms but ours hearts will be full.

So for now, while school takes priority over mopped floors and alphabetized blu-rays [yes, I do that.] I will do what I can.  And what I can do is make this awesome dessert in under 5 minutes.  Super easy. not healthy in the slightest, and my kid's loved them.  Hopefully when I've finished my Masters I'll look back at this time in our lives and be joyful about the things I let go.

Happy Birthday Oreo Cake Batter Blondies

• 1 box Yellow Cake Mix
• 15 Golden Happy Birthday Oreos, chopped. 
• 1/4 cup coconut oil
• 1/2 cup sprinkles
• 1/3 cup milk 
• 1 egg

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease an 11x7 pan.
2. Combine cake mix, coconut oil, egg and sprinkles.
3. Slowly add milk and stir together, batter will be thick!  This is good. :)
4. Once combined fold in 3/4 of your chopped Oreos and 3/4 of your sprinkles.
5. Pour into the greased pan and sprinkle reserved Oreos and sprinkles on top.
6. Bake for 28 minutes until edges are slightly brown.
7. Remove from oven and let cool completely so blondies can set.
8. Enjoy! 

Reject panic with praise. Replace worry with worship. Relieve anxiety with adoration. ♥

Reject panic with praise. Replace worry with worship. Relieve anxiety with adoration. ♥

I came across this the other day and fell in love with it immediately.  I have always been a person filled with panic, worry, & anxiety.  And it seems God can sense what I need and put these words in front of me.  I thought about them all last night and today during church, the last few days have been rough for me.  My body just feels tired, my mind almost feels like it's racing and blank at the same time and although nothing is really "wrong" something just doesn't feel right.

Ever since some bad things have happened in my life I can panic pretty easily.  That something is going to go wrong, what will I do, how will I take care of it, etc.  I feel like I've always been a pretty self sufficient person and even after almost 8 years of marriage my natural instinct of, I don't need anybody I can take care of myself, will fight it's way out.  I have a hard time genuinely trusting people because of the panic of when they will leave me, use or hurt me.  So I tried to take that panic and reject it, to believe in God's goodness and knowing HE will never leave me nor forsake me.  So today, I praised him.  I played drums for worship at church & I even sang today.  Drums are my thing, putting myself in the front so people can focus on me, are not.  So I closed my eyes and imagined I was playing for him, and I was.  And I know in front of God I will never be lacking.  Or maybe the truth, I will always be lacking, but for him I will always be enough.

Worry. Worry. Worry.

Bad things will happen in our lives, that is the way of a sinful world.  But what good comes from constant worrying?  I'm like most mothers, I worry about something bad happening to my children.  I worry about them when I'm away from them and I worry about the things I do effecting them in ways I hope it won't. I worry about our finances, about paying bills, about our car passing safety check.  There's not much I don't worry about but the relief lately has been letting that worry go.  It's natural to worry, but what can that change?  And the things I have never worried about were the things that came true, so maybe that was my unfortunate lesson that regardless of all the worrying in the world it won't change what is happening. So I have slowly learned to give those worries to God, along with all that panic and anxiety.  And yes, I still do worry but to worship Him does far better to my soul than all the worrying in the world.

Anxiety, ahh my arch nemesis.  The bane of my existence.  My own personal demon.

More than panic & worry combined is my anxiety.  Anxiety that I just might never get it right, that anything good that might happen is just a pre-cursor to the bad about to fall down around me.

Anxiety that combined with low self-esteem made for a pretty self hating teenage girl. 

Sometimes I yearn to take it all back, to trust God then like I do now.  To have always been able to put my worth in him, but that's just not how things work. And I can only be very, very, very thankful that I trust him now.  My anxiety still comes, and with it the devil brings his lies.  But now I can fight him, and not let myself believe maybe hurting myself would make it all better.  Or maybe just take away that pain for a little bit.  I adore God.  He is my salvation.  My peace. And wouldn't it be sweet to never have to panic & worry but for now, when I do, I will try my hardest to praise and worship Him instead.