Whirlwind Woman [Happy Birthday Oreo Cake Batter Blondies!]

So, lately life has been a whirlwind.  I'm sure most people understand that.  Not enough time for anything, or just a little time for everything and nothing finished.  Kind of like how I clean the house, as I walk from room to room I stop and fold some laundry here, pick up some trash there, throw some toys in a bin over here.....the end result is nothing really being done.

But for now, I'm okay with that.  We recently decided as a family that I will be continuing my college education for oh, 6 more years or so.  The decision was daunting and it required a lot for me to realize that I will not, cannot be the Mom that does everything.  Taking a full college load, being a mother of 4 young children, working part-time in addition to being a wife, friend, and very sporadic blogger means I cannot do it all.  And on the worst days I can't do any of it.

I'm trying my best for now, to relax about it.  I have come to understand that my anxieties are not just my own but a burden on my family and also in direct relation to my trust in God.  If He has set me on this path I must trust that each day will take care of itself.  My laundry may never be completely done, my kid's might have unbrushed hair and unorganized rooms but ours hearts will be full.

So for now, while school takes priority over mopped floors and alphabetized blu-rays [yes, I do that.] I will do what I can.  And what I can do is make this awesome dessert in under 5 minutes.  Super easy. not healthy in the slightest, and my kid's loved them.  Hopefully when I've finished my Masters I'll look back at this time in our lives and be joyful about the things I let go.

Happy Birthday Oreo Cake Batter Blondies

• 1 box Yellow Cake Mix
• 15 Golden Happy Birthday Oreos, chopped. 
• 1/4 cup coconut oil
• 1/2 cup sprinkles
• 1/3 cup milk 
• 1 egg

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease an 11x7 pan.
2. Combine cake mix, coconut oil, egg and sprinkles.
3. Slowly add milk and stir together, batter will be thick!  This is good. :)
4. Once combined fold in 3/4 of your chopped Oreos and 3/4 of your sprinkles.
5. Pour into the greased pan and sprinkle reserved Oreos and sprinkles on top.
6. Bake for 28 minutes until edges are slightly brown.
7. Remove from oven and let cool completely so blondies can set.
8. Enjoy! 

Mommy needs a beer. For....Cheddar Beer Bread!

Ahh.....the lovely 6 weeks post partum mark.

When all of reality comes back to kick you in the neck and ask you,

"Why would you think another child is a good idea??!"

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my baby girl.  She is all that is good about babies, chunky, sweet, sleeps a lot, little dimpled smiles.  Sigh.  But oh yeah, the other three.

I am starting to feel delirious.  I thought before was bad.  Three kids and 8 months pregnant was chill!

Another diaper to change, another person to cloth before we leave the house.  Another person to please, and this little person is only pleased by one thing!  Boobies.  Which happen to be attached to me and make it near impossible to get anything else done.

[My idea of a good time!]

This isn't really supposed to be one of those pity me blogs, cause it's not.  I don't pity myself and in general I love my life, there's not much to pity.  I get to be with my kids all day, I get to go to school, drink Starbucks, go shopping at Target, eat dinner with my husband every night. I mean honestly I don't need much to be happy.  Or maybe it's the opposite?  

I don't need much, but I do need it to be my way.......

Anyways!  Life is hard right now, I'm not going to lie.  I feel like sometimes my blogs are TOO happy?

If that's a thing?  Or maybe that they're a little misleading.  You didn't REALLY think I had all my shit together did you?  Ha, I'm such a great illusionist.

I've also started following a bunch of people on Instagram that I don't know.  This might seem irrelevant but it's going somewhere, I promise.  I see all these beautiful Moms with platinum hair and red lips making their kids homemade bone broth and fresh squeezed orange juice popsicles [wtf?!] for lunch and it makes me feel grossly inadequate.  I know I shouldn't compare myself, and for a long time I was doing good on that one but lately I have just been feeling like I'm not enough.

[I did vote tho!  So that counts for something right? :]

I'm not a good enough Mother, I can't keep all four of my children quiet for an hour and a half church service while my husband plays music and I try to get someone to hold the babies while I go up and play drums.

I'm not a good enough Wife, I complain.  I nag.
I do things over because he didn't do them the way I would have.

I'm not a good enough friend, if you text me with a 911 message I might text you back.  Next week.

I'm not a good enough student, I do every assignment an hour before it's due so as I'm doing it there's an awesome red countdown system that makes me feel like I'm also going to pass out from anxiety.

I'm not patient enough.  I'm not soft enough.
I'm not ladylike enough.  I'm not thin enough.

I'm not crunchy enough.

The list could go on, but do I want it to?  

I need to come to understand that no, I will never be enough.  I will never be a perfect version of all those things because I will never be a perfect person.  But luckily I don't need to be.

My identity, although I'm working on it, should first and foremost be in God.  Which is why I think I've been thinking so much about how I'm not enough.  I have definitely not been faithful enough,  I haven't been praying enough, tithing enough, trying enough.

It is so easy to let God go, to fall from his grasp and to turn myself to the daily buzz of life.  Such a hard routine to get into, thinking about him everyday, praying, listening, making him a priority when my day feels like it can't possibly hold anymore. 

 I can feel myself slipping away, getting weaker, so I know what I need to do to not let this world get to me the way it has before and it's never too late to start again.

Luckily my God forgives and to Him I will always be enough.

And now of course, the food!
Made this Cheddar Beer Bread for Tulip's Baptism and it was a hit!
I love the edges where the cheese & butter meet and make delicious crispy heaven.  Yum.

Cheddar Beer Bread

3 cups AP Flour
2 tbs. Sugar
I tbs. Baking Powder
1 tsp. Salt
2 tbs. Honey
1 cup shredded Cheddar
1-12 oz. Bottle of Beer [I used Samuel Adams Pumpkin Harvest]
4-8 tbs. Butter [1/2-Whole Stick], melted.
*This depends on how buttery you want it, I used a whole stick and it was crazy good but REALLY buttery, I probably would do a half stick next time.

[1] In a stand mixer blend together all the dry ingredients.
[2] Using the dough hook add in your beer and honey and knead for 5 minutes or so. Add cheese and knead 1 more minute.
[3] Using a pastry brush pour half your melted butter into a loaf pan.  Make sure pan is completely greased.
[4] Pour dough into loaf pan & drizzle the rest of the butter on top.
[5] Bake for an hour at 350 degrees.  

A-Lotta Ricotta Cupcakes w/ a Dark but Lovely girl.

Today was the first Risen Lord Women's Bible Study.  We got together to discuss what we wanted to do with our time together, we'll only be meeting once a month but since most of us have young children a 2 hour uninterrupted break certainly sounds like heaven!  Today we went over accountability, who is holding YOU as a Christian woman accountable?

I went a long time without having anybody hold me accountable, I thought I knew best and I honestly could justify almost everything I did.  I didn't have anybody else telling me that I was straying from God and that I was deep in sin.  I honesty didn't want to hear it and many things suffered from it. 

 My marriage, my self, my children.

A Christian cannot walk alone, at least not this Christian.  It is far too easy to stray from God's path for me and use the ways of this world as a barometer for what is wrong & right when honestly the things that are "right" in this nation are most definitely wrong to me.  

I was using other people as my measuring stick, not what I knew God wanted from me and how much better I could be doing.  I have always thought of myself as a bad person, hence the title of my blog.  I heard a sermon years ago where our archbishop preached on the concept of Dark but Lovely.  

How could I be both?  For I knew I was dark, sin was eating away at me and even when I was in it thinking I needed it, that I loved it.  It only sought to destroy me, and many times it almost did.

Sin is all consuming and without another Christian to help me grab my footing, to be my anchor when I have drifted away from my God I could easily be lost at sea.

But to God we are Dark but Lovely.  No human is without sin, those that condemn others are just not looking at their own sin cause really its much easier to judge others.  But remember you are judged the same,  true only God can judge you and have it actually matter but the people on this Earth that can now so easily see the choices you make, and the things you brag about without a second thought are judging you as well, and often more harshly than our loving Christ. 

I am no theologian,  the things I write cannot be backed up with scripture word for word, and I won't pretend to have it all figured out.  But I'm trying.  And thats all I can do for myself and my family.  To want to HEAR when God speaks to me, to TRUST him more than I do myself, to be open and honest that it is a daily struggle for me.  I am so thankful for the women that help hold me accountable far & near and I hope that one day I can help someone in even just the tiniest bit with their faith, for I once was lost but now am found.  But I continue to search because I know I will never find what I'm looking for in this World.

Accountability Questions

[From Character that Counts]

[1] Have you spent daily time in the Scriptures and in prayer?

[2] How do you feel about how you've handled personal, family, and/or business finances?

[3] What three relationships have you nurtured most?

[4] What has made it difficult to do your 100% best in the different roles in your life?

[5] Have your words built up or tore down other or self?

After making baked ziti a week or so ago I ended up with a huge tub of leftover ricotta cheese.

I made some decent spinach ravioli and still had a ton left.  So these cupcakes were the answer to cleaning out my fridge.  If you don't like ricotta don't worry, you can't taste it at all! 

I brought these to group today & am happy to say there are still some left for my late night episode of Big Love.  With fresh strawberries.....oh yes.

A-lotta Ricotta Cupcakes

w/ Lemon Glaze

adapted from www.cupcakerehab.com

For the cupcakes:

9 tbs. [1/2 cup] unsalted butter at room temp.

3/4 cup sugar

3 eggs

1/2 tsp. salt

1 cup ricotta cheese

Zest of 1 lemon

1 tbs. baking powder

2 tbs. extra virgin olive oil

For the glaze:

Juice of 1 lemon

1 cup confectioner's sugar

[1] In a mixer cream butter and sugar until light & fluffy.

[2] On low add eggs one at a time scraping sides if needed.

[3] Add the olive oil than slowly add in flour, salt, ricotta, lemon zest & baking powder.

[4] Bake at 400 degrees F for 25 or so minutes.  Let cool before icing!

[5] For the glaze slowly add lemon juice to confectioner's sugar, you might need a little more or a little less depending on how thin you like yours.  Super easy and brings out the sweetness and tartness even more.  

Now go share!