I think a change will do you good.

At what point did my life change? How did I go from being the geeky punk girl to the Mom with four kids that enjoys a nice evening in pinning things for daughterʻs eighth donut party sleepover?  I feel like after the point of thirty itʻs kind of mandatory to have your shit together, or at least to understand your own self a little bit more.

But I donʻt even know.  Iʻm on my first "real" Summer break before school starts again in August, only real in the sense that I took two full-load semesters last year and beginning with the semester coming up I will be taking five classes a semester until I graduate.  While I thought Summer vacation would be some fantasy world full of free Starbucks and yoga on the beach- it feels almost worse then being in school.  I still canʻt catch up with the house, I still get frustrated with my kids, stress and real life are still the same I just donʻt have the excuse of homework anymore.  Ahh, where I made the mistake was believing that not going to school would reduce my anxiety level really it just adds on to my normal anxiety level which can never be lowered.  Ha.  Right.

So yeah, Iʻm working on it.  I thought that since I allegedly do have all this free time I no longer have the excuse not to blog either.  I love blogging, I just havenʻt figured out my "thing" yet.  Sounds about right.  I guess Iʻm willing to keep trying to figure it out.

I have done a lot more cooking and baking since being on break but I've been a bit lazy and weary to continue using social media to post my pictures first and then copy and paste them on to here.  Which is Iʻm sure the most rudimentary way to do that but like I said before, I really suck at anything computer related.  I just need to get back into writing and posting and etc. but for just this time instead Iʻll just give you a link for some awesome Apple Crumb muffins I made for my book club last week.  They were moist and everyone loved them even my fruit-hating son.

Enjoy and Aloha!

Glazed Apple Crumb Muffins

http://sallysbakingaddiction.com/2014/06/10/glazed-apple-crumb-muffins/

Mommy needs a beer. For....Cheddar Beer Bread!

Ahh.....the lovely 6 weeks post partum mark.

When all of reality comes back to kick you in the neck and ask you,

"Why would you think another child is a good idea??!"

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my baby girl.  She is all that is good about babies, chunky, sweet, sleeps a lot, little dimpled smiles.  Sigh.  But oh yeah, the other three.

I am starting to feel delirious.  I thought before was bad.  Three kids and 8 months pregnant was chill!

Another diaper to change, another person to cloth before we leave the house.  Another person to please, and this little person is only pleased by one thing!  Boobies.  Which happen to be attached to me and make it near impossible to get anything else done.

[My idea of a good time!]

This isn't really supposed to be one of those pity me blogs, cause it's not.  I don't pity myself and in general I love my life, there's not much to pity.  I get to be with my kids all day, I get to go to school, drink Starbucks, go shopping at Target, eat dinner with my husband every night. I mean honestly I don't need much to be happy.  Or maybe it's the opposite?  

I don't need much, but I do need it to be my way.......

Anyways!  Life is hard right now, I'm not going to lie.  I feel like sometimes my blogs are TOO happy?

If that's a thing?  Or maybe that they're a little misleading.  You didn't REALLY think I had all my shit together did you?  Ha, I'm such a great illusionist.

I've also started following a bunch of people on Instagram that I don't know.  This might seem irrelevant but it's going somewhere, I promise.  I see all these beautiful Moms with platinum hair and red lips making their kids homemade bone broth and fresh squeezed orange juice popsicles [wtf?!] for lunch and it makes me feel grossly inadequate.  I know I shouldn't compare myself, and for a long time I was doing good on that one but lately I have just been feeling like I'm not enough.

[I did vote tho!  So that counts for something right? :]

I'm not a good enough Mother, I can't keep all four of my children quiet for an hour and a half church service while my husband plays music and I try to get someone to hold the babies while I go up and play drums.

I'm not a good enough Wife, I complain.  I nag.
I do things over because he didn't do them the way I would have.

I'm not a good enough friend, if you text me with a 911 message I might text you back.  Next week.

I'm not a good enough student, I do every assignment an hour before it's due so as I'm doing it there's an awesome red countdown system that makes me feel like I'm also going to pass out from anxiety.

I'm not patient enough.  I'm not soft enough.
I'm not ladylike enough.  I'm not thin enough.

I'm not crunchy enough.

The list could go on, but do I want it to?  

I need to come to understand that no, I will never be enough.  I will never be a perfect version of all those things because I will never be a perfect person.  But luckily I don't need to be.

My identity, although I'm working on it, should first and foremost be in God.  Which is why I think I've been thinking so much about how I'm not enough.  I have definitely not been faithful enough,  I haven't been praying enough, tithing enough, trying enough.

It is so easy to let God go, to fall from his grasp and to turn myself to the daily buzz of life.  Such a hard routine to get into, thinking about him everyday, praying, listening, making him a priority when my day feels like it can't possibly hold anymore. 

 I can feel myself slipping away, getting weaker, so I know what I need to do to not let this world get to me the way it has before and it's never too late to start again.

Luckily my God forgives and to Him I will always be enough.

And now of course, the food!
Made this Cheddar Beer Bread for Tulip's Baptism and it was a hit!
I love the edges where the cheese & butter meet and make delicious crispy heaven.  Yum.

Cheddar Beer Bread

3 cups AP Flour
2 tbs. Sugar
I tbs. Baking Powder
1 tsp. Salt
2 tbs. Honey
1 cup shredded Cheddar
1-12 oz. Bottle of Beer [I used Samuel Adams Pumpkin Harvest]
4-8 tbs. Butter [1/2-Whole Stick], melted.
*This depends on how buttery you want it, I used a whole stick and it was crazy good but REALLY buttery, I probably would do a half stick next time.

[1] In a stand mixer blend together all the dry ingredients.
[2] Using the dough hook add in your beer and honey and knead for 5 minutes or so. Add cheese and knead 1 more minute.
[3] Using a pastry brush pour half your melted butter into a loaf pan.  Make sure pan is completely greased.
[4] Pour dough into loaf pan & drizzle the rest of the butter on top.
[5] Bake for an hour at 350 degrees.  

Attention Please! [Home-Made Play-Doh]

Oh the brain, you tricky thing.  I just completed my 2nd [out of 16] week back in school.  

Yeay!  Right now, even tho my class is Human Development, we're learning a lot of basic Psychology stuff because obviously all these things are intertwined.  It's slightly stressing me out cause when I took Psych 100 like 7 years ago, I failed it. 

But I'm starting to believe that in some people's cases, hopefully mine, the older you get the wiser you get and this time around Psychology is actually starting to make a little sense! 

Right now we're learning about the brain and ATTENTION.  It might not surprise you, and I don't know why it surprised me but our attention is like a pie, it can't get any bigger than what it is it can only be divided in different ways.

When my teacher was explaining this he talked about multi-taskers, of which I definitely am one, and about how they think they are so great that they can do all these things at once when really you're not giving any one thing your full attention.  I was offended.  Multi-tasking has always been one of my greatest abilities.  As a mother I have stopped children from falling off tables, while sweeping the kitchen & talking on my phone.  That's a skill right?

But where I thought I saw strength I'm starting to see weakness.  Andy brought up with me the other day that it seemed like the kids always stress me out, this is true, they do.  That doesn't mean I don't love them, cherish them, would give my life to them but oh, do they stress me out.  Andy is the nurturer in our family, as much as you would expect it to be Mom, Andy is the one.  He can sit on the couch and snuggle with them all day.  Watch Pete's Dragon without getting up or looking at his phone ONCE.  He can read with them, do math lessons, teach them to make Top Ramen.  All this is done with patience, kindness and no yelling involved.

Does this make him a better parent than me?  I really hope not.  It was something we both had to come to understand, I love my family differently.  I love them by running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  By starting a load of laundry, making a grocery list, helping Lily with a worksheet, setting up a play date & yelling at Oliver to stop biting his brother at the same time.  This is how I function.  To me there are just not enough hours in the day to pause, to sit down at the table while the kids are eating lunch, there are dishes to wash, children to tame & muffins to bake at the same time.  But it saddened me to think that my husband could look at me and think my children just stress me out. 

As much as I hate to admit I may need to change as a Mother, I understand.  I see how much he loves  being with his kids, watching them ride bikes, and talking to them that I want to be like that too.  The house will never be clean.  The laundry will never be done.  Oliver will never stop terrorizing everyone.  So, I'm trying.  This is a semi-new revelation so don't expect too much of me as of yet!  

But I'm trying, if anything to be aware, to know when I'm doing too much and making the conscious decision that maybe my kids as people come first and not their next meal, or a made bed, or a certain Kitty towel freshly washed.  

So I've been trying.  To slow down.  To focus.  When I'm older will I be happy all the attention I gave to the things that dirtied themselves again, or will I be happy to know I sat with my daughters and painted their nails?  

I cooked lunch WITH Lily today instead of telling her to just "Let me hurry up and do it myself." 

 I still cleaned the kitchen while we made Play-Doh tonight but hey.....baby steps right?  

Home-Made Play-Doh

1 1/2 cups AP Flour

1 1/2 cups water

1 tbs. Vegetable Oil

1/2 tbs. Cream of Tartar

3/4 cup Iodized Salt

Food Coloring [any kind]

[1] In a medium saucepan mix together all the ingredients, any order is fine & make it any color you want!  Although I will warn you making a pretty Violet is doomed to begin with.

[2] Place saucepan on medium low heat.  Using a wooden spoon stir constantly.

[3] The "batter" will start to dry up and become a ball, this can take a few minutes.  About 5 or so.  Just keep stirring and watch the consistency.

[4] When it's starting to look like Play-Doh take it off the heat and turn it out onto a table to cool for a bit.  

[5] When it's cool enough to handle, I just start right away because I have asbestos hands, knead it like dough till it forms a smooth consistency.  Play on! 

[6] Store in Ziploc bags or containers.  Not sure how long it will last since ours magically disappears somewhere before the 2 week mark.