Happy World Breastfeeding Week! [Tandem Nursing Pictures]

In honor of world breastfeeding week I decided I would write a blog, so exciting, I know.  Breastfeeding for me has been a long and winding journey, when I gave birth to Lily over eight years ago I had no clue that formula wasn't "just as good" as breast milk and that coupled with excruciating pain from a bad latch or tongue tie our breastfeeding relationship was short and full of grief.

With Jonas I tried again, this time breastfeeding wasn't as painful and I was beginning to know more as a Mother and less willing to listen to good-intentioned advice from people that knew even less than me. But again, breastfeeding just wasn't easy and at that time in my life, attempting to sell a home and moving two young children off of an island and back to California, breastfeeding wasn't the priority I wish it would have been.

Fast forward a few more years and along comes Oliver Crash, my breastfeeding champion!  After Oliver's birth which was incredibly hard both physically and emotionally I began to question my choices as a Mother a little bit more which led me to the great big world of "crunchy" mamas.  Breastfeeding is truly a community effort at times and the love, care and understanding I got from other Mothers is what made me love breastfeeding.  I breastfed Oliver through my pregnancy with Tulip and when she was born I tandem nursed them for over a year.  I decided to wean Oliver at the age of 3, a hard decision but one that I felt right about.  I will forever be grateful for the nourishment and bond I was able to give him.

Little Miss Tulip Bea was born to nurse and our journey has been smooth and primarily easy so far!  For those of you that wonder or didn't know; breastfeeding is like most things in life, lots of good and some bad.  There will be tears, sleepless nights, bite marks on your nipples and a small hand down your shirt most of the time.  But, there will also be sleepy-milky smiles, endless snuggles, the ability to comfort and calm, the power to nourish.

I have been a formula-feeding Mom and I have been a breastfeeding Mom, neither of those define you as a Mother but I can guarantee that one of those will change you. <3

These pictures are courtesy of Lisa Hoang at Simply Baby Photography in Kailua, Hawaii.
I took these last year when Tulip was maybe 9 months and Oliver was 2 1/2.  The Hawaii government was looking for pictures of local looking Moms to use in a new pamphlet for breast pumps.  While I didn't get picked, maybe the green hair? It was still such an honor to be considered and I will forever have these beautiful pictures to remember such an amazing time.

Amber necklace from Half Moon Mothering. :) 

Mommy needs a beer. For....Cheddar Beer Bread!

Ahh.....the lovely 6 weeks post partum mark.

When all of reality comes back to kick you in the neck and ask you,

"Why would you think another child is a good idea??!"

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my baby girl.  She is all that is good about babies, chunky, sweet, sleeps a lot, little dimpled smiles.  Sigh.  But oh yeah, the other three.

I am starting to feel delirious.  I thought before was bad.  Three kids and 8 months pregnant was chill!

Another diaper to change, another person to cloth before we leave the house.  Another person to please, and this little person is only pleased by one thing!  Boobies.  Which happen to be attached to me and make it near impossible to get anything else done.

[My idea of a good time!]

This isn't really supposed to be one of those pity me blogs, cause it's not.  I don't pity myself and in general I love my life, there's not much to pity.  I get to be with my kids all day, I get to go to school, drink Starbucks, go shopping at Target, eat dinner with my husband every night. I mean honestly I don't need much to be happy.  Or maybe it's the opposite?  

I don't need much, but I do need it to be my way.......

Anyways!  Life is hard right now, I'm not going to lie.  I feel like sometimes my blogs are TOO happy?

If that's a thing?  Or maybe that they're a little misleading.  You didn't REALLY think I had all my shit together did you?  Ha, I'm such a great illusionist.

I've also started following a bunch of people on Instagram that I don't know.  This might seem irrelevant but it's going somewhere, I promise.  I see all these beautiful Moms with platinum hair and red lips making their kids homemade bone broth and fresh squeezed orange juice popsicles [wtf?!] for lunch and it makes me feel grossly inadequate.  I know I shouldn't compare myself, and for a long time I was doing good on that one but lately I have just been feeling like I'm not enough.

[I did vote tho!  So that counts for something right? :]

I'm not a good enough Mother, I can't keep all four of my children quiet for an hour and a half church service while my husband plays music and I try to get someone to hold the babies while I go up and play drums.

I'm not a good enough Wife, I complain.  I nag.
I do things over because he didn't do them the way I would have.

I'm not a good enough friend, if you text me with a 911 message I might text you back.  Next week.

I'm not a good enough student, I do every assignment an hour before it's due so as I'm doing it there's an awesome red countdown system that makes me feel like I'm also going to pass out from anxiety.

I'm not patient enough.  I'm not soft enough.
I'm not ladylike enough.  I'm not thin enough.

I'm not crunchy enough.

The list could go on, but do I want it to?  

I need to come to understand that no, I will never be enough.  I will never be a perfect version of all those things because I will never be a perfect person.  But luckily I don't need to be.

My identity, although I'm working on it, should first and foremost be in God.  Which is why I think I've been thinking so much about how I'm not enough.  I have definitely not been faithful enough,  I haven't been praying enough, tithing enough, trying enough.

It is so easy to let God go, to fall from his grasp and to turn myself to the daily buzz of life.  Such a hard routine to get into, thinking about him everyday, praying, listening, making him a priority when my day feels like it can't possibly hold anymore. 

 I can feel myself slipping away, getting weaker, so I know what I need to do to not let this world get to me the way it has before and it's never too late to start again.

Luckily my God forgives and to Him I will always be enough.

And now of course, the food!
Made this Cheddar Beer Bread for Tulip's Baptism and it was a hit!
I love the edges where the cheese & butter meet and make delicious crispy heaven.  Yum.

Cheddar Beer Bread

3 cups AP Flour
2 tbs. Sugar
I tbs. Baking Powder
1 tsp. Salt
2 tbs. Honey
1 cup shredded Cheddar
1-12 oz. Bottle of Beer [I used Samuel Adams Pumpkin Harvest]
4-8 tbs. Butter [1/2-Whole Stick], melted.
*This depends on how buttery you want it, I used a whole stick and it was crazy good but REALLY buttery, I probably would do a half stick next time.

[1] In a stand mixer blend together all the dry ingredients.
[2] Using the dough hook add in your beer and honey and knead for 5 minutes or so. Add cheese and knead 1 more minute.
[3] Using a pastry brush pour half your melted butter into a loaf pan.  Make sure pan is completely greased.
[4] Pour dough into loaf pan & drizzle the rest of the butter on top.
[5] Bake for an hour at 350 degrees.  

My Breastfeeding Journey......

This year I have signed on to be a host for The Big Latch-On!

The Big Latch-On is a global wide event that brings together breastfeeding mothers and those who support breastfeeding to raise awareness on how great, beneficial, and normal breastfeeding should be and attempts to break last year's record of most women breastfeeding simultaneously. 

This year I was lucky that they are having it on August 3rd & 4th.  I heard about the event and was bummed I wouldn't be able to participate because I already had a midwife appt. scheduled.  

I already missed out on the Big Cloth Diaper Change because of something we had going on, I know lots of BIG things, right?  So when I found out it was pretty easy to host I figured I'd do it on my own!

ttp://www.biglatchon.org/locations/the-big-latch-on-west-oahu-2

[If you are on Oahu & would like to join us either to be latched on, take pictures, or help with registrations we would love your support!]

As a budding birth doula and hopefully, one day, midwifery student, I figured anywhere I could raise awareness on the beautiful, natural and God given blessings of being a woman and Mother I should.

With Lily & Jonas I had a much harder, shorter breastfeeding journey.  I had little support with both and had an epidural during each labor which made the initial breastfeeding a little harder.

With Lily I had intense pain when I would feed her, knowing now, that it was just a bad latch and something I could have easily fixed.  I also supplemented with formula from the very beginning not quite understanding why breastfeeding is so important and not really giving it as much effort as I could have.   It saddens me to think that I missed out on an incredible bond with her because I just didn't know how to get help. 

With Jonas it was a little easier but I still used formula early on and didn't understand the concept of nipple confusion, etc.  With both I made it to about 7-8 months both breast and formula feeding.  Sometimes it's hard reading things that tell you about how great breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding is when I know I didn't give my first two babies my very best.  I know part of it is Mother's guilt, added to my Catholic guilt I just end up feeling guilty 99% of the time.  But I try to let go of that, to know I as a Mother can only learn and grow.  I am happy for those that "know better" before they even have kids.  To make it a point to research, know facts and have a set parenting path before they even get pregnant. But for us it was more of a learn as we go situation.  We're still learning and nowhere near knowing it all, although I won't tell my kids that.

[One of my favorite BF pictures.  Oliver nursing at the water park while I'm 22 weeks pregnant. :]

Which brings me to Oliver, my breastfeeding pride and joy!  At 29 weeks pregnant [myself] and 19 months old [Oliver] we still have a good nursing relationship.  It was painful for a period, when my milk dried up during pregnancy, and at times it can be cumbersome and annoying, when it feels like 100 degrees already without a 20 pound toddler strapped to my chest.  But the bond I have with him and the pride in myself can't be beat.  I hope we can keep nursing at least long enough to last until the Big Latch-On, less than 3 weeks away!  But I don't have a set time frame, I think we'll both know when the time has come.  And I can tell I've really become "crunchy" when my dreams include being able to tandem nurse my babies.  Something I didn't even think about just 6 years ago.

I've been on both sides of the fence.  I understand it's not that easy for some women, I just hope to be able to give other women the support, care, and knowledge that would have helped me in my early days.  Along with being pregnant & giving birth it is just such an amazing gift God gave to women.
We are nurturers and made so perfectly for our roles it amazes me.