Dear Former Church.

Dear Church,

I think it's finally time to let go.  I've been struggling with this for some time and I honestly thought that you hadn't hurt me that much.  That I could just let it go without any processing and before I just didn't have the time to think about it.  I had four young kids to take care of, five college classes to pass and one very hurt and depressed husband that mattered more to me than you did at the time.
But as time has passed, Andy has healed, thank God, I passed my classes with three A's and two B's and we've left the place that we came to love so much I started to realize that maybe I'm not over it.  Maybe I haven't even begun to process it and now as I've come out of the fog to find myself in a different state both literally and mentally I think I'm ready to let it out and let it go.
Since the leaders in our church didn't care much to hear our side of the story or to think of us much at all I have decided it's something I need to do on my own whether you want to hear it or not.  My husband has shared his side of the story and while we are one his story is not the same as mine.  So church, I just wanted to let you know, you hurt me.  When my family needed your support and love more than ever you turned your backs on us.  When my husband was so physically injured that he could not walk and his mind was turning on him you shrugged your shoulders, not your problem.  When I told you he stumbled and fell and couldn't make it down the stairs your first thoughts were not of prayer or concern but, "So is he working today?"
If I said this began and ended with Kevin that would be a lie, we put our hearts and souls into building up our church in every way possible.  We literally lived and breathed that old busted down, leaking ceiling, broken toilet, fuse popping place.  I was, mostly, proud to call it both home and my church.  But as time passed we began to feel more used, our job situation made us feel more like indentured servants than respected vital parts of the operation.  We were expected to take care of all aspects of the building, fix broken things with our own finances, which weren't much, and do it all while being mentally abused by members of the church.  While nothing was good enough for you it was all we could do.  We strived to make the church building a place of trust and love for those that came in, our own friends that had been deeply hurt by the church and Christians, began to let their children be present in a place they didn't trust but because of the love and acceptance we gave to everyone who came to the building and a slow healing began to take place.
As time went on, yes, we felt worn out.  Perhaps that you wouldn't be able to do it without us, and that's where we were very wrong.  As the church grew to accept a new priest, another leader for our parish of about ten, his vision was distinct.  To help the homeless and needy of Oahu, especially veterans, and we were behind him.  We had an empty room on the second floor of our third floor building that we converted into a temporary homeless shelter.  And by converted I mean that my family provided all our own bedding, furnishings and food.  I cooked three meals a day for whichever homeless or needy person was there at the time.  We washed their clothes, we gave them shelter, compassion and love.  We felt it was our purpose to show God's love in the same way we felt it.  We took in people that stole from us, that cursed and threatened us but still we took it in stride, we were not perfect people and we didn't expect perfection from anyone else.  Towards the end of our time at the church we took in a young veteran named Kevin.  Kevin was charismatic, he was also an ex-addict with a lot of mental issues.  But like always, we trusted, we allowed him in our home to shower, he ate dinner at our table with our children and he spent Christmas day with our family.  We felt that everyone deserved to be loved and accepted and who are we to judge another person's sins.
Kevin became a large part of our family life, someone we saw everyday, that we included in our BBQs with friends and movie nights in our home.  He was so grateful for our family and all we had done for him he gave us small amounts of money on occasion to help with the cost of food, etc.  That's when things went wrong.
Kevin found out I had been smoking weed, we are as transparent as we can be about most things in our lives and I have never been ashamed of this.  While I understand where this could be seen as wrong as an active member of my community, a loving Mother and a hard-worker, weed for me is medicine.  A God-given medicine at that, it calms my anxiety and helps me not be overwhelmed.  I have always and probably will always be a smoker, I don't really drink, I curse like a sailor and I am staunchly pro-life.  I am not a perfect person but I have always believed that God cares less for the rules of man and more for the way men, or women, show themselves.  This apparently was not ok with Kevin and he became increasingly angry with us and stopped eating dinner with our family and talking to us all together.  We were sincerely confused, we didn't know where we had gone wrong but we also knew Kevin had extreme PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder, from his time in the military and chalked it up to that.  As time went on he became more aggressive, as he lived in the same building as us he would stare us down and with young children both in our home and in the apartment next to ours we began to be concerned.
We knew at this point that our church did not care about us so we began to become more and more concerned about the situation.  Andy had also hurt himself in the beginning of the year and his health was slowly deteriorating.  He went from being a fully healthy man to  crutches and then eventually a wheelchair, by the end of our ordeal with the church he could no longer stand on his own.  In addition to the stressful home situation we also had trouble trying to establish insurance with the state and his only solace was the emergency room that would just give pain killers and send him home.  As this went on the church called Andy in for a meeting, at this point I had stopped attending church with my children as our church community was a hostile, unloving place.  Families would scream at each other from the front row pews and the elders would constantly scold the kids if they were not silent.  It was not a loving place, I did not feel God's presence and every time one of our friend's would come visit I was so ashamed by the way they and their children were treated.  That's not to say there was never love in our church or even that there was none by the time we left but our church was not a community, it was a place for legalism and name calling.
As Andy entered the meeting he was approached by both of our priests, our deacon, and Kevin.  He sat, in pain, for over an hour while they berated him, told him he was entitled and wrong.  The icing on the cake was when Kevin accused us of stealing funds from the church, the money he had given us for food etc. was now meant for the church and how could we have done this?  Andy called me after the meeting panicking and scared. The church had demanded we pay Kevin back the "thousands" or dollars he had given us without any documentation or proof. During this meeting Kevin told all of the elders of our church that he, "Hated Andy so much that I try not to see him because I want to throw him down the stairs."  After I had heard this exchange I was blown away.  How could our church so willingly trust someone they had known less than two months when we had given so much of ourselves for almost a decade?  When I called our priest to ask him why this would be allowed his response was, "He didn't say he really would do it, just that he wants to."  Needless to say this didn't comfort me and we quit our job that day. Doing so was not an easy decision, everything we had was wrapped up in our church.  Our home, our only source of income, everything.  But anyone being threatened in their own home will understand our urgency, we no longer felt safe.  Kevin had already threatened Andy and we were now locked in a building with him with our four young children and my husband injured enough that he could not protect himself or us.  The next few months were a blur of pain and suffering that we are still trying to wade through.  Andy got worse before he got better, depression set in for both us.  In the span of a week I, and our dear friends, packed our home as fast as we could.  Selling what we could but eventually letting go of almost all our earthly possessions.  I found myself crying as I went through our stuff knowing we could bring little to none of it.  While I know these things  Fleeing our home in the middle of the night I couldn't help but think of all we had lost.
Thus began our time of moving from house to house, I honestly have never been under as much stress in my life.  Juggling school with kids and a husband that could no longer care for them I wanted to give up many many times.  When I sat down to begin this letter I didn't really mean it as a re-hashing of events but am realizing this is what I need to move on....
So, former church, I just wanted to let you know you hurt me, you hurt us.  God tells his followers that there will be pain and suffering I just didn't realize that it would come from within.  It hurt that my family could have been one of the homeless that you were trying so desperately to help, that without the grace and love of our friends we would have been on the streets and our church wouldn't have cared.  We left our home and church in the beginning of March and stayed on island until I could finish my finals a week early in April. Not once did our church leaders call and ask if we were ok, I heard from my former tenants that they went around bashing us and telling everyone what a poor job we did.  Such a poor job that they were content with us doing it for over three years right?  It hurt when Andy wrote the leaders of church, the bishops and priests of other branches of our denomination looking for guidance, comfort, even a kind word and got nothing, he wasn't even worth a response.
I have been filled with anger about this situation for some time, even now as I find my family somehow in Colorado, stunned with the changes that have happened this past year I am having a hard time letting go.  It hurts me to think that my weed smoking was enough to be dismissed, a sinner with no hopes for redemption.   I have wanted to rant and call them and cry and scream about the hurt they have caused us, how betrayed and unloved we have felt by people that call themselves Christians. I am sad that these events have shaken my faith to the core, that I no longer know what I believe, if I believe.  I don't know if I will ever trust a church again or if I even desire to.
I guess that's my end.  I hope I have processed enough to let it go, the anger, the frustration, the hurt.  To know there will never be closure on the other end, that I will never get an apology or even a second glance.  That my sins were enough for our family to be dismissed, that the church would rather look perfect than be forgiving.  Good-bye Church of the Risen Lord, you were my home for so long.  The place I went back to and cherished, I'm sad for how it ended but I will not let your pointed fingers define me.  I still trust that I am a child of God, that I am loved by Him and that it's time to move on.

Nicole Hope.

Look who's back? [Mango Coconut Chia Pudding]

So, as you may have noticed the blog hasn't changed much.  None at all actually.
I had great high hopes of finding some awesome computer genius that could re-vamp my blog for me and I would come back to it with refreshed dreams and high hopes of being a "real" blogger.
But, that failed.  And I'm learning to be ok with that.

I missed blogging, but I didn't know if I would come back to it.  Sure, I liked it.  I love writing and trying new recipes, sharing them with friends and maybe even getting a little feedback but the part that made me want to stay away was the thought in my head that I just wasn't good enough.

I can't sew.

I can't take professional looking pictures.

I can't write that well.

I can't draw crappy comic strips to go along with hilarious stories.

I'm not a baby wearing, cloth diapering, all things crunchy guru.

I'm not the best at anything really and that fact was really starting to bum me out.  It's not good to compare yourself all the time because most of the time you're going to end up feeling pretty mediocre.

I try my best as a Mother but I'm not the gentlest or most patient and I never will be.  I apologize to my children daily.  I'm not the best homeschooler.  The best baker or cook or sister or friend.  I'm not the best blogger with the hippest looking blog and sponsors, I don't even know how to make a link?  Make a link, is that a thing?  And I'm an even worse wife when I compare myself to others.  I don't leave my husband love post-its on the fridge everyday.  I usually have a messy house and I struggle with letting my husband be the head of our household when sometimes I think things should be done a different way, sorry about that babe.

But I'm learning to take a step back.  What good does it do us to compare ourselves to others?  What do we get out of it except for a bruised ego and the feeling of not being enough.  What does that teach my children?  That they should never try for fear that they may never be the best?

And oh, is that ever true.  If you're constantly comparing yourself to someone else you'll never measure up.  And if I truly believe that this world is but a vapor there's really no use in comparing anyways.

I shouldn't try and measure myself with this world's measuring stick when God doesn't require that of me.  The knowledge I have through him is worth far more than any recognition, fame or money I can make in this life and that the Mother & Wife I want to be through God may not be the one the World thinks is the best.  I want to take pride in my accomplishments, at how far I have come and not look even further ahead to that woman I envy who seems to have it all together.  Who knows who she's comparing herself to?  And maybe the secret to her success is that she's not. 

Once I stop comparing myself, I might just give myself a little credit. 

Came across this recipe the other day and was pretty stoked.  I bought a Costco sized bag of Chia seeds and have been searching for ways to use them.  This "pudding" sounded delicious since it's Mango season here and the island is starting to heat up!

No dairy.  No soy.  No gluten. Vegan.

Could also easily be made nut free by replacing the almond milk with rice milk.

Also, try different variations!  I think next time Ill make this with chocolate almond milk, almonds & blueberries.  Yum.

Happy eating!

Mango Coconut Chia Pudding

1/2 cup Unsweetened Almond Milk

1/2 cup Lite Coconut Milk [the kind in the can]

4 tbs. Chia Seeds

2 tbs. Sweetened Shredded Coconut

1 mango, cut into cubes

2 tbs. Honey

1.  In a bowl whisk together both milks, honey and chia seeds.

2.  Stir in mango and coconut until throughly combined.

3.  Cover and refrigerate over night!

4.  Feel free to top with more fruit, honey, granola or whatever sounds good!  I put hemp seeds on top of mine for even more nutritional value.

Enjoy! 

My Love Life Play List & Gluten Free Black Bean Brownies

Music has always been a huge part of my life.  

When I was in the 3rd grade I wrote a paper about how awesome it would be to meet Ace of Base. 

I used to create my own dance moves to whatever CDs my Dad had, usually a nice combo of Mariah Carey, Boston and Steven Curtis Chapman.  I
I'm married to a man that is a walking musical instrument.

I can memorize lyrics pretty easily and then I never forget them.

I just rapped all of Big Willy Style the other day when it came on the radio.  Be jealous.

So, last week when my teacher asked us to present a music video with a song that described a part of our love life I was pretty excited.  But it was SO hard to choose.  I chose a song for class and kept thinking of all the other ones that I really wanted to pick instead.  And now I present you with.....

Nicole's Love Life Play List

[enjoy.]

1.  Take My Breath Away- Berlin 

This is actually the first song Andy and I ever slow danced to.  I had the Top Gun record, yes record, we played it in my garage and danced away.  Aww.

2.  Soco Amaretto Lime- Brand New

Classic young love song.  About escaping your home town and falling in love.

3.  Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional

Thinking about this stuff now is making me feel like high school was over a decade ago.....which I guess it is. 

4. Teenage Love Affair- Alicia Keys

It's pretty amazing to fall in love as teenagers and be able to grow up together.  Not that it's always easy but the love I have for my husband now is a thousand times more than what we had as kids.

5. Only in Dreams- Weezer

We named our first son Jonas after a Weezer song, we're music nerds so definitely gotta have one of our first favorites.  This was almost our wedding song until we decided it was too long to dance in front of a bunch of people to.

6.  Under the Streelights- Alkaline TrioThere are just parts of your life that you have certain CDs that were your soundtrack.  This reminds me of going to watch Andy's band play at house shows in high school. 

7. I'll Catch You- The Get Up Kids

This was our wedding song.  A sweet song and fitting for two 20 year olds that got engaged and then married in three months.

8. I Never- Rilo Kiley
Just one of those, I'll never be loved but than you came along type songs.  Rilo Kiley in general is awesome. 

9. Right Thru Me- Nikki Minaj

This song just reminds me so much of me.  I've never been a very open person and it took awhile for me to believe that someone could love me just as I was.

10. Cemetery- Say Anything

Just a beautiful song.   My husband has saved me many times.  I love him so. 

11. Bless This Mess- David Bazan

Such a sad but true song.  My side tattoo is based off of this song.  I kind of think we're all messes.  God bless us.

12. How He Loves- David Crowder Band

It took me a long time but I finally understand REAL love.  Not from any man, as much as I love my husband, but perfect love that we can only get from God.

13.  I Will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab for Cutie

Kinda morbid but I can't help but have a slight panic attack thinking about one of us dying.  This was the last concert we went to when I was 8 months pregnant with Tulip.

14. I Will Wait- Mumford and Sons

The song I presented for my class.  Love is work sometimes.  Love is forgiveness.

15. God Gave Me You- Blake Shelton

Sappy, yes.  Cheesy, maybe.  But true.  My husband is my biggest supporter, my strength when I am weak and I truly believe he is a gift from God.

I feel like I don't stop this now I'll never stop it.  We're going to have a vow renewal ceremony next Fall and first item on my agenda is music playlists. 

Recipe time!

I made these brownies for a Peaceful Parenting Network park play-date we went to last week.  I have friends that are gluten-free and wanted to bring something everyone could eat but didn't have any special flours or anything in the house.  I found this recipe and was pretty excited!  They are definitely a fudge type brownie, they don't rise much at all and I didn't love the texture but all of the kids loved them and that was my goal.  Plus they are so easy it's a great recipe to try out.  You can add nuts or chocolate chips if you like, my chocolate wasn't gluten free so I decided not to.

Gluten Free Black Bean Brownies

1 15 oz. can black beans, drained and rinsed well

2 eggs

1/3 cup Cocoa Powder

3/4 cup honey

1 T Vanilla

2 T Coconut Oil

1/2 tsp. Salt

1.  Dump all ingredients into a blender or food processor, except chocolate chips or nuts if you're using them, and blend until smooth.

2.  Pour mixture into a greased 8x8 pan.

3. Bake for 30 minutes at 350 degrees!

4.  Let cool and enjoy.  

The end is near. End of 2012 that is. [Blueberry Velvet Cake]

I can't believe Christmas is in 15 days.

I can't believe this year is almost over.  It has been a crazy, exciting, growing, hard and wonderful year all at once.  We got pregnant with our 4th child.  We took a 3 week long road trip to the Pacific Northwest.  We moved across the ocean to Hawaii, again.  We almost broke up.  But we didn't.

We had our 4th child.  We grew stronger.  The kids grew older.  We grew up a little more.

We continued homeschooling.  We fell in love all over again. We moved for the 6th time since we've been married.  We celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary.  I turned 28.  I let go of the past.  

I struggled to be the woman I want my daughters to be proud of.  I tried to learn patience.

I gave up on always being in control.  I baked, A LOT.  I prayed. 

 I missed old friends & made new ones.  

I laughed.  I laid on the beach while the kids played in the sand.  I hiked on a cliff overlooking the ocean.  I watched my children sleep.  I spent way too much money on Target & Starbucks.  I voted.

I stressed about everything.  I saw babies being born.  I had my first home birth.  I took pictures.

I wrapped presents.  I kissed my kids.  I forgave. 

[Gutierrez Family Christmas Card!  I'm pretty excited about it if you couldn't tell.]

This has been an exhausting, amazing year.  Parts of it I never thought I would make it through and I'm still amazed to see myself standing sometimes.  I know they say as you get older the faster time goes and I definitely get that now.  I can't believe it's been almost a year since we've been back in Hawaii.

Our house is finally starting to feel like our home, we've added another beautiful member to our family, I've gotten to experience things I never though I would.  Both good and bad.  Life is constantly changing and as much as that scares me sometimes I am just in awe. 

Where will we be a year from now?  What will God choose for us to do?  Will we listen?

I am constantly amazed by this journey of life and how it is always changing.
 I'm ready to live this life to the fullest and I can't wait to see what 2013 brings for us.  

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you.

Plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Now for the recipe!

This would be an awesome New Year's Eve cake.  It's just so pretty and definitely good for a special occasion.  I made it just cause I wanted to and ended up slowly eating the whole cake piece by piece because the kids refused to eat anything with actual fruit in it.  

And I wonder why I'm gaining weight?  Anyways......

Try it!  It's delicious and worth the work.

I didn't adapt this recipe at all and all of a sudden I'm dead tired.....

possibly cause it's 1 o'clock in the morning?  Eh. 

So, here is a link to this wonderful cake!  Enjoy.

http://www.iheartchocolatemilk.com/2012/06/07/blueberry-velvet-cake-with-cream-cheese-frosting/

When you know better, you do better. [Pumpkin Angel Food Cake w/Salted Caramel Glaze]

I am officially tired.  I feel horrible for even saying this but I am so done with this pregnancy.

Part of me is trying to cherish every last part, to remind myself this is PROBABLY my last baby and enjoy all the wonderful things that come with being pregnant.  Feeling her kick, how womanly I feel, getting away with wearing a bikini when there is no way in hell I would wear one otherwise.

[36 weeks, last Saturday at Haliewa Alii Beach Park]

But I'm just so tired.  My back hurts, my stomach feels stretched beyond belief.  I can't keep up with school, WIC appts., cleaning, and now a pissed off toddler with a sprained wrist.  I just want to cry most days, and take a nap.   Thank God for my wonderful husband who would let me do just that if I just asked, but alas Mommy guilt just won't let that happen.

Yesterday the family celebrated Labor Day by attending a birth rally in Waikiki.  The family that protests together, stays together right?  Just kidding.....it wasn't a protest just a call for health care to support evidence based maternity care instead of care based off of opinions and basically just the way "they've always done it." [If you want to know more check out www.improvingbirth.org] We had a great time getting to meet some awesome people in the birthing community here on Oahu.  I got to talk to other women about encapsulating my placenta, home birth, and ring slings without anyone batting an eyelash. 

National Rally for Change at Kapiolani Park

Lily might have gotten TOO into it.  She was shouting "Eat your placenta!" at cars while they drove by and when the cops came to check our permits she told Andy, "I would never talk to cops!"  Not quite sure where that anti-authority attitude came from....well maybe I can guess.   We did a prayer at the end saying what we were grateful for and I am really just grateful that my daughters will grow up not being afraid of childbirth, knowing pregnancy is a beautiful, natural and healthy thing.  Not an illness. 

Which is what I keep trying to remind myself.  

36 weeks + 3 days and it will all be over soon and I won't even know where the time went.

Although hopefully these weird pregnancy dreams will stop, I dreamt last night that I gave birth easily at home, baby's feet first [not likely.] But then I found out the baby was a boy and I was pretty pissed off about it and wouldn't even pick a name for him. 

 So I told Andy we better pick out a boy's name too just in case.  I hope I wouldn't be quite so melodramatic if that were to happen but when I told Andy this he was not so convinced.  Hmm. 

[Feels like it.]

Again this is one of the blogs spiraling into nowhere.  My Mommy brain feels like mush. 

Soon, soon this little girl will make her entrance and I'll remember what I knew all along.

It is worth it. <3

Side note:  Super excited, Fall is here!

Well pretty much as "here" as it's going to get.  It's still hot, there's no way I'm getting to wear any kind of scarf or Ugg boots but Hey, the Fall flavors are back at Starbucks and I'll take what I can get.

Along with my beloved Salted Caramel Mocha I'm definitely getting in the pumpkin mood!

Made mini Pumpkin muffins the other day and still had enough left for another recipe, so Pumpkin Angel Food Cake with Salted Caramel Glaze it is!

Next month is pumpkin patches, costumes && FOUR adorable kids to dress up!

I can't wait. 

Pumpkin Angel Food Cake

w/Salted Caramel Glaze

Pumpkin Angel Food Cake:

1 box Angel Food Cake mix

3/4 cup pureed pumpkin

1 1/2 tsp. Pumpkin Pie Spice

1 tbs. flour

1 cup water

[1] Put oven rack on lowest setting & preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

[2] In an electric mixer beat all ingredients together.

[3] Pour into an ungreased Angel Food cake [tube] pan.

[4] Bake for about 45 minutes until top is nice and brown.

[5] Let cool for 15 minutes then turn upside down onto a glass bottle and finish cooling for 2 hours.

Salted Caramel Glaze:

1/4 cup butter

1/4 cup sugar

1/4 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup heavy cream

1/2 tsp. cinnamon

1/2 tsp. sea salt

[1] In a small sauce pan melt butter and both sugars together.

[2] Whisk constantly while it comes to a boil and let cook for 2 minutes.

[3] Add heavy cream, continue whisking, cook for another 1 minute.

[4] Turn off heat and add cinnamon and salt.

[5] Let cool completely before pouring over cake.  

Life is good. People are too.

So we've been trying to adjust, yet again, to our new schedules.  School is starting up again, well kind of.....we do year round schooling but now it's REALLY time to focus.  Plus the school supplies are on sale at Target and a general feeling of school-iness abounds.  Andy has officially been working his new job for over a month now, and we've kind of gotten into the groove of things.  

But in general life is pretty good.  We get to spend time together as a family!  Something that was missing for us for almost 2 years.  The differences are astounding and if I ever questioned moving back to Hawaii I don't anymore.  The first time we lived in Hawaii I had a huge problem with being homesick, I missed the people I had known and I couldn't quite make any connections that felt real here.  This time around I am just so surprised and grateful at the awesome people God is putting into our lives.

I am still struggling with my trust issues, which I've mentioned before, I've been deeply hurt by people I have trusted to never betray me and while that hurt is still there I think God is trying to show me the goodness in people.  It's so easy to see the bad, the negative, the people that use you, the back stabbers, the women that act like life is still high school, and while I know they're still there I hope that maybe I've gotten better at not letting myself be used and praying that God surrounds me with people that make my life better and hopefully I do the same for them. 

Women that I have just met that encourage me instead of compete & compare.

Fellow mothers, breastfeeders, home schoolers.

Fellow Christians, Crunchy Mamas, wives.

All helping to build one another up, congratulate on jobs well done and children well raised.

Maybe it's something in me that's changing or I've just gotten lucky but I am truly so thankful for the women I have been so blessed to be friends with.  From my best friends, an ocean away in California.[ One who I got to see yesterday!] Old friends that send me an encouraging word on Facebook or messages to ask how I'm doing. To new friends that I am just meeting that have an honesty about parenting, the ups & downs but also the joys & rewards.  Those people I can laugh with, enjoy an iced coffee and just talk without feeling like I need to be impressive, that I can just be myself flaws and all without being taken advantage of.

[One of my best friends. <3  Although we are far in miles we have gone through so much together in the short time we have been friends.  She is genuine and such an encouragement to me when times are hard.  She is proof of God's goodness in people and I am forever thankful that she is a part of my life.]

It's just something I have been so thankful for that I can't explain.  As much as I try to fight it, I need people.  I need someone to go on clearance Target runs with.  I need someone to read 50 Shades of Gray with me and then make fun of it.  We we're not meant to be alone and I am so excited for the new relationships God is putting in my life, just to prove to me once again, that I don't know it all, people are not all bad, and sometimes it's ok to trust. <3

[Also many thanks to my dear friend FranQueen from the 6th grade!  She re-did my blog for me and got it looking all spiffy & Chevron-ed up.  I <3 it.]

And since I'm too lazy to type up a recipe I'll just pass on the goods that I've been given lately and tell you to check out www.coastal.com.  

No, I'm not one of those cool blogs where people pay you to write or anything, so there's no gimmick here or anything.  Cause if I'm not cooking, baking, or cleaning I'm looking for ways to save money!

But seriously.  I've gotten 2 FREE pairs of glasses from them & I love them both!

And by free, really the glasses and frames were free and all I paid for was $16 for S&H [to Hawaii!] and insurance on each pair.  Just a good deal people, I'm not gonna lie. 

If you've never ordered from them before just put in the code FIRSTPAIRFREE at checkout.

You have to pick from certain pairs, obviously, but there are tons of styles to pick from.  

I have a horribly bad prescription too, like I'm legally blind without my glasses, and I don't even pay for any of the thinner lenses and my glasses STILL look good.  Damn!

I also friended them on Facebook which is how I got a code for another free pair.

So yeah, I'm basically set for life.

Go enjoy people.  Enjoy life.  Enjoy free things.

I know I do.

[My newest pair!  Nerd glasses. 

 I had almost this exact same pair in high school.  They were not so cool back then.] 

Sunday Funday.

I'm sure I've said this before but Sundays are a notoriously busy day around our house, especially Sunday mornings.  Andy works his 2nd job 7 days a week and goes straight from his cleaning job to downstairs at the church to start doing sound check, etc. 

Which means grumpy Mama, who doesn't like to wake up early is also in charge of getting myself and the three kiddos up, dressed & fed in time to go downstairs for church by 10am.  This is probably not a big deal for other awesome Moms that can set their alarms and jump out of bed like they mean it.  Not for me.  I procrastinate, I check Facebook, I hit snooze, I complain and then I start running around like a chicken with my head cut off. 

So I'm gonna switch it around on this blog and give you a recipe first!  You might like this if you hate reading my writing or came here just to eat.  Makes sense.  But since Sunday mornings are so crazy it helps if I am smart enough to plan ahead and bake something on Saturday that the kids and adults scrambling to get everything done have something to grab and eat while getting ready.

This Sunday's breakfast was......

Snickerdoodle Muffins! 

I made these ones especially for the Praise Leader of our family since Snickerdoodle's are his favorite cookie.  I also figured all the kids would actually eat them since they don't really contain anything that might be considered good for you.  But oh well, cause they are tasty!

adapted from www.eatmedelicious.com

2 Sticks unsalted butter, room temp.

1 cup sugar

2 tsp. Vanilla

2 eggs

3/4 tsp. Baking Soda

3/4 tsp. Baking Powder

3/4 tsp. Cream of Tartar

3/4 tsp. Freshly Grated Nutmeg

1 1/4 cup Greek Yogurt

2 1/4 cups AP flour

For the coating:

3/4 cup sugar

1 tbs. cinnamon

[1] In a stand mixer cream the sugar and butter until light and fluffy.  A few minutes.

[2] Add vanilla and eggs one at a time, waiting for each egg to incorporate.

[3] In a separate bowl whisk together flour, baking soda, baking powder, cream of tartar, and nutmeg.

[4] Alternating flour mixture and yogurt add to your wet mixture.  Starting and ending with flour, scrape bowl if necessary.

[5] In a shallow dish whisk together coating toppings.

[6] Using an ice cream scoop, I like my stolen Jamba Juice "disher" spring loaded scoop.

Scoop the batter into your coating and roll each scoop around till it's fully coated.

[7] Place each ball into a greased muffin tin. 

This recipe made about 24 muffins for me!

[8] Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes.

So after a good morning of muffins, praising God and fellowship we left to go check out Olomana Gardens in Waimanalo.  Andy has been wanting to see this place for awhile and usually the tours can be a bit pricey.  But being the bargain hunters that we are we found out today was an open house with free tours and a potluck!  Can't beat that. 

Olomana Gardens has a huge aquaponics set-up.  Which I know nothing about but maybe Andy will get to guest blog about this someday for those that are interested.  The tour was pretty cool with lots of information and a beautiful backdrop of Waimanalo Valley. 

We saw their fish tanks, the duck weed they were growing, along with Papayas, Taro, tomatoes & pretty much anything else you could imagine.  The kids got to pet horses, chickens, and a pig so everyone was having a pretty good time!  Jonas was so excited cause he helps Andy a lot with their aquaponics system so he kept running ahead with the tour guide pushing a lot of older Asian men out of the way.  Rude, perhaps.  Cute, definitely. 

The open house was pretty neat too, free beer & aquaponics?  Andy was in heaven.

It's such a joy spending time with our kids as they explore new things, especially things we're interested in too.  And hopefully, somehow, tying it in with homeschool, just so we don't feel guilty for the days we miss in the classroom. ;) 

Made one last stop at Sweet Home Waimanalo to try out their famous smoothies and check out the food.  It's a bit pricey but definitely looked good if you're into organic, healthy, locally grown stuff.

We tried a Peanut Butter Bellows Smoothie & a Local Kale Smoothie and took a beautiful drive along the ocean back home. 

God is so good to us, I only hope that we do him justice in giving him everything he deserves from our lives knowing we can always give more. <3 

Why is she so happy?

In the past few weeks I've had two different people comment on how happy I look.  

One was a visiting Priest from Florida who talked to me after service and said "There's the happy drummer!" and the other was a new friend who's Mom had seen a picture I posted on Facebook and said to her "Your friend looks so happy!"

These should be compliments right?  So I don't know my first thought is embarrassment?  Why is it so bad for me to be happy?  To show how happy I am in my demeanor, the way I act and talk?  

It bothered me that I thought this and kind of worried me, my old habits tell me that happiness doesn't last, if you're too happy it's basically tempting fate to screw with you a bit and make sure it doesn't happen again.  

Maybe its a happiness I have finally found in God.  Its a lightness of burdens I don't have to carry anymore.  My instincts tell me I shouldn't be happy because not everyone is, but happiness takes work for sure, it is something given to us and I CHOOSE to be happy.  To see the good in my situation instead of the complaints.  To do what I need to do to make things better if they're bothering me.  

I choose to live a life thats low on funds but big on time.  

Time with my husband, time with my kids, time to learn, time to teach, time to birth babies, 

and even....sometimes.....time by myself!

That's not to say I never get depressed, angry or upset about things in my life. But I am trying to learn that I can be ok with being happy, that it doesn't mean that I think Im better than someone else.  My happiness is for myself and not to prove anything.  I have no reason to fake my emotions, no one to impress and I have found that living my life the way I feel God is calling me to just naturally makes me a happier person.  Less guilt.  Less anger.  Less wanting for things of this world.

More joy.  More peace.  More love.

And one day I hope, that one that I can't quite get a hold on yet....more forgiveness. 

We started working on a Character Building book with the kids during homeschooling and today's lesson was about being content.  I think a big part of being happy is simply being happy with what YOU have and not comparing it to what others have and what they need to be happy.

I have what I need to be happy.  It might be less than others, it might be more.  

But there should be no shame in happiness, hopefully soon I can believe that myself. <3

5 Simple Things That Make Me Happy

1.  Outside after it rains.

2.  New cleaning products, I bought some Bon Ami Citrus Thyme spray today. Woo-hoo!

3. Sleeping children.

4. A kiss from my husband.

5. My blog. 

And so of course, a recipe!  Food makes me happy.  Oh yes it does.  

Until recently I would consider myself a cook much more than a baker but the weight I am gaining this pregnancy proves that I eat more than enough of both food & baked goods!  

Creamy Polenta w/Mushroom & Sausage Ragu

and Roasted Asparagus

Polenta:

1 cup Polenta

1 cup milk

5 cups water

1/4 cup butter, cut into cubes

1/4 cup Heavy Cream

1/4 cup grated Parmesan

Salt to Taste

[1] Boil the water & milk.  When it comes to a boil add your polenta.

[2] Stay close!  Whisk your polenta, it will thicken quickly.  Reduce heat to medium-low.

[3] Keep whisking, allow Polenta to soak up liquids.  It doesn't need to be constantly stirred but keep an eye on it!  Do this for about 20 minutes.

[4] Once Polenta has absorbed all the moisture add your cream & butter.

Whisk for another 5 minutes.

[5] Add Parmesan & salt to taste.  Sooo creamy and good.  Tip: Not low calorie. ;)

Ragu:

1/2 jar of your favorite spaghetti sauce

2 mild Italian sausages, out of their cases

1 cup sliced Crimini mushrooms

1/4 cup Red Wine

Olive Oil

Salt to Taste

Crushed Red Pepper

[1] Take sausage out of their casings by cutting a slit down the side and squeezing the meat out.  Fun!

[2] Brown sausage in olive oil on medium heat.  Cook until sausage is fully cooked, break it apart with a spoon as you go.

[3] Add mushrooms to pan and let them brown.  I like a good golden color on my mushroom so use a decent sized pan so they don't just steam.

[4] Pour in your spaghetti sauce & red wine.  Reduce heat to medium-low and let simmer while you cook your polenta.

Roasted Asparagus:

1 lb. asparagus woody stems removed

Olive Oil

Salt & Pepper to taste

[1] Lay asparagus on a baking sheet.

[2] Drizzle with the olive oil and season with salt & pepper to taste.

[3] Cook in a 375 degree oven until doneness you prefer.  About 15-20 minutes.  

I like my tips charred but asparagus not too soggy.

Assemble & eat!  

The Incredible Lily Pax turns 6!

I can't believe our biggest "baby" is already 6 years old!  

It amazes me how much has happened in 6 years, that I've been able to watch this little person grow from just a heartbeat in my womb to a smart & sassy little girl with her two front teeth missing and an opinion on everything.  I am in awe, that we somehow managed to raise her to be such a loving, kind & thoughtful person.  I think the oldest kid always gets the brunt of the parental mistakes, responsibility and bossiness.  I'm the oldest child, I should know!

[Our baby girl when she turned 2 years old!  She has always had such a unique personality.]

Lily Pax was the child we prayed for.  After getting married in November 2004 we knew we wanted kids right away, not that we KNEW what we we're doing but that's besides the point!  

It took us longer than we had thought to get pregnant with her, which in reality was less than a year.  But at the time, and only 21 years old I thought having babies was just something that happened like magic, people had them on accident after all right?  I was a little bummed it wasn't happening on the timeline I expected so I prayed about it a lot, especially, for some reason to the Virgin Mary.

"I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him"

1 Samuel 1:27

So, we named Lily after The Virgin Mary.  The Virgin Mary is sometimes referenced to as the white Lily.  Pax, her middle name is Latin for peace.  She is the peacemaker of our family.  Whether trying to stop a fight between her brothers or getting upset if anyone is talking too loudly to one another she will definitely try to make everything better. <3

Lily was always my fast learned.  She crawled at 5 months and set the pace for which her brothers just can't quite keep up!  

And while she is quick when she wants to be I always remember as my 12 days late baby.  I went into the labor the night before I was supposed to be induced feeling huge & ready to meet my baby girl.  She was born July 21st, 2006 in Honolulu, Hawaii and has been our little island girl ever since.

[It amazes me how much Oliver looks like his big sister!  Sure the boys look alike but I swear Oliver is Lily with her hair cut off.]

10 Facts about Lily Pax!

1.  Her favorite subject is math.  Sometimes she'll make up her own math work sheets when she's in bed and then answer them all.

2.  She loves fruit.  Apples, watermelon, strawberries & grapes are her favorite.

3. She likes to make up her own songs & sings a lot of the stuff she says.

4. She can swim like a fish.

5. Her favorite things to do are go to the water park, mini golfing, library & Target.

6. The thing she misses most about California is her dog, Maeby. 

7. She will take an hour long bath if you let her.

8. She likes to watch cooking shows & the greatest tragedy in her life is that she isn't allowed to eat in her bed.

9. Sometimes she wakes up and changes Oliver's diaper & makes her bed before waking me up in the morning.

10.  She is growing up way too fast. 

For her 6th birthday party she wanted a Mermaid Party because she's currently addicted to an Australian TV series on Netflix called H20.  We had a great time with Mermaid cupcakes, slip & slides & Ocean punch only to get rained out.....in July.  In Waipahu. Hmph.  Luckily we have a bunch of laid back friends and family & we played in the rain & celebrated the life of my most favorite little girl.

[Lily wearing her mermaid tale made by Noni, with her best friend/Auntie Gloria!]

Lily's Mermaid Jell-O Cupcakes with Jell-O Frosting!

Cupcakes: 

1 box of White Cake Mix

1 3 oz. box of Jell-O [any flavor/color you want]

These were easy since I had a crazy busy week and just needed something fast & simple.  Plus Lily's favorite color is blue so I aim to please!

[1] Make cake according to box directions.  Divide batter in half.

[2] Mix Jell-O into half the batter.  I actually made 48 cupcakes so I used 2 boxes of cake mix and just dyed one box worth, either way will work.

[3] Alternating, drop spoonfuls of each color batter into cupcake liners.

[4] With a butter knife kind of swirl batters together to get them looking tie-dyed.

[5] Bake as directed!

Frosting:

1 3 oz. box of Jell-O [any flavor/color you want]

1/2 cup boiling water

1/2 cup sugar

1 tsp. Vanilla

1 egg white

[1] Put all ingredients, except for water, into a metal or glass stand mixer.  You HAVE to use a stand mixer for this one otherwise it won't work!

[2] Turn mixer on high and pour in your boiling water.

[3] Beat on high for about 5 minutes until you have stiff peaks!

[4] I added more food coloring to mine because it didn't come out as blue as I wanted but basically whatever color/flavor you choose will be what your frosting tastes like!  It has almost a marshmallow consistency.  

Party Hardy!

We decorated her cupcakes with gummy Octopuses, plastic mermaids, beach umbrellas & sand!

P.S. If you want to make the sand just put Vanilla Wafers & Oreos in a food processor, more Vanilla Wafers than Oreos and just adjust to how dark you want your sand to be! 

Do all things without complaining.

I don't know how many times we have said the words "stop complaining!" to Jonas.  

Well to any of the kids actually, but Jonas seems to be our worst culprit.  Asking him to do anything usually ends up with a reply of "I'm tired." aka "I'm lazy."  Hopefully this whole blog doesn't come across as me complaining about my kids, oops. 

Andy and I consider ourselves to be hard workers, and I hope others do too so it's frustrating to have a child that doesn't understand the concepts of team work or being helpful.  If he is in the mood he can be the sweetest most helpful child but most of the time he's not.  As our kids get older, and I feel as we get more unprepared!  We have been trying to figure out different ways to get through to them that don't involve me shouting angrily and them ending up crying and not doing what I asked anyways.  I came across this idea on Pinterest, yes again, and really liked it.

[And darn you Pinterest, I feel like I will never again have an original thought. Sigh.]

I pretty much am in love with Mason jars & I don't even know how to can.  So far I've used them to make Vietnamese Veggies, hold homemade creamer, non-toxic cleaning solution concentrates, sort things, give mango salsa as gifts, wrap small baby shower presents, etc.  They're just so useful and awesome that I now buy them by the case.  

For this project it was pretty easy, we used the verse....

"Do everything without complaining or arguing." Philippians 2:14

The kids decorated their papers and I taped them inside the jars.  Then we put change into each jar, the concept is each time they complain or argue when they should be doing something with thankful hearts then they get a quarter [or dime, hey we're broke.] taken out of the jar.  Each Sunday they get to keep the money they have left in the jar and Monday starts us new, cause even God gives second, or third, or  fourth....chances right? 

I'm really hoping this is just another way we can teach our children to do things with thankfulness, gladness and helpfulness for others because of everything we have been given by God without any payment.  Anything we can do would never be enough.  Hopefully this does not make them think they should get paid anytime they do something without complaining but I can see that happening too.  

We'll just have to see how this one turns out!  

I hope to raise children that understand that everything they have is a blessing.  To be thankful for all that they have and know that all of that comes from God.  I've been around to many complaining adults to ever want my kids to be that way.  For someone to always have more, better, prettier, happier.  All of those things will probably always be true but I am not here in this life to compare the things I do with what others have.  I want my children to grow up with joy & gladness instead of complaining, bitterness and a woe is me attitude.  

So hopefully having the attitude I want them to have will help, complaining is natural but with it should also be an attempt to solve those complaints or wonder why those things are happening instead of constant blame on someone else.   That being said that me, like my kids, can always use practice in being grateful!  

I found a free app for iPhone [free is pretty much the only app I have!] called GratitudeDiary.

It's a simple app, you just type something in that you are grateful for each day.  And really, one thing shouldn't be that hard should it?  It will give you friendly reminders to be grateful and I definitely could be doing more time sucking things on my phone.  Also they've done studies that people who write down what they are grateful for each day have less depression.  So go ahead, be grateful!  It can't hurt. 

My Breastfeeding Journey......

This year I have signed on to be a host for The Big Latch-On!

The Big Latch-On is a global wide event that brings together breastfeeding mothers and those who support breastfeeding to raise awareness on how great, beneficial, and normal breastfeeding should be and attempts to break last year's record of most women breastfeeding simultaneously. 

This year I was lucky that they are having it on August 3rd & 4th.  I heard about the event and was bummed I wouldn't be able to participate because I already had a midwife appt. scheduled.  

I already missed out on the Big Cloth Diaper Change because of something we had going on, I know lots of BIG things, right?  So when I found out it was pretty easy to host I figured I'd do it on my own!

ttp://www.biglatchon.org/locations/the-big-latch-on-west-oahu-2

[If you are on Oahu & would like to join us either to be latched on, take pictures, or help with registrations we would love your support!]

As a budding birth doula and hopefully, one day, midwifery student, I figured anywhere I could raise awareness on the beautiful, natural and God given blessings of being a woman and Mother I should.

With Lily & Jonas I had a much harder, shorter breastfeeding journey.  I had little support with both and had an epidural during each labor which made the initial breastfeeding a little harder.

With Lily I had intense pain when I would feed her, knowing now, that it was just a bad latch and something I could have easily fixed.  I also supplemented with formula from the very beginning not quite understanding why breastfeeding is so important and not really giving it as much effort as I could have.   It saddens me to think that I missed out on an incredible bond with her because I just didn't know how to get help. 

With Jonas it was a little easier but I still used formula early on and didn't understand the concept of nipple confusion, etc.  With both I made it to about 7-8 months both breast and formula feeding.  Sometimes it's hard reading things that tell you about how great breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding is when I know I didn't give my first two babies my very best.  I know part of it is Mother's guilt, added to my Catholic guilt I just end up feeling guilty 99% of the time.  But I try to let go of that, to know I as a Mother can only learn and grow.  I am happy for those that "know better" before they even have kids.  To make it a point to research, know facts and have a set parenting path before they even get pregnant. But for us it was more of a learn as we go situation.  We're still learning and nowhere near knowing it all, although I won't tell my kids that.

[One of my favorite BF pictures.  Oliver nursing at the water park while I'm 22 weeks pregnant. :]

Which brings me to Oliver, my breastfeeding pride and joy!  At 29 weeks pregnant [myself] and 19 months old [Oliver] we still have a good nursing relationship.  It was painful for a period, when my milk dried up during pregnancy, and at times it can be cumbersome and annoying, when it feels like 100 degrees already without a 20 pound toddler strapped to my chest.  But the bond I have with him and the pride in myself can't be beat.  I hope we can keep nursing at least long enough to last until the Big Latch-On, less than 3 weeks away!  But I don't have a set time frame, I think we'll both know when the time has come.  And I can tell I've really become "crunchy" when my dreams include being able to tandem nurse my babies.  Something I didn't even think about just 6 years ago.

I've been on both sides of the fence.  I understand it's not that easy for some women, I just hope to be able to give other women the support, care, and knowledge that would have helped me in my early days.  Along with being pregnant & giving birth it is just such an amazing gift God gave to women.
We are nurturers and made so perfectly for our roles it amazes me.

Why I DON'T believe marriage should be illegal until age 25.

Woke up this morning having horrible round ligament pains, basically just a crappy pain in your stomach that you get when your pregnant.  And lucky for me, or not, the more pregnancies the worse they hurt and the more often you get them. 

So anyways.....I got out of bed long enough to make the Terrible Three waffles and crawled right back in to see if I could wait out the pain.  Surfing around on the iPad and I came across this article in The Huffington Post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-nagy/why-i-believe-marriage-sh_b_1547156.html

The author tells about why she believes marriage should be illegal until the age of 25.

Basically, she got married when she was 24 because she felt like "it was thing thing to do" and at the age of 29 is now divorced.

Argh!  Are you kidding me?!  Usually I can blow off something like this or just rant to Andy about it but it just bothered me.  She continues to go on about how 20-25 is about finding yourself, and this is done apparently by drinking a lot and going to parties to put yourself in bad situations.  

I got married when I was 20.  Was I ready?  No.  Was it the smartest idea?  Probably not.  But I don't have a problem admitting that because there is no shame in WORKING HARD for something.  In the almost 8 years we have been married, and over 10 we have been together we have faced a lot of heartache.  We do not have a perfect relationship or claim to, and we are finding out more and more together how much we need to have God in our marriage to make it work.

If you focus on your wedding day more than your marriage that's probably not the best idea.  Our wedding day was NOT the best day of my life, I was stressed, pissed and being told by everyone else what I needed to do.  But to say drinking and partying is the way to finding yourself, which of course you do by the time you're 25, cause we all have our shit together by then right?  Is ridiculous.

I am still finding myself.  Learning to be the woman, wife & mother that God is calling me to be.

And for me, I need my husband there by my side.  If I had waited until 25 to get married I possibly would not be married to the man I  am today,  it is much easier to break a pinky promise than a sacrament.  There have been times when I have wanted to walk away, to give up and "find myself" but I know my identity is not IN my husband but WITH him. 

We both have so much to learn but I would never want to do it without him and without him I would not be the woman I am today.  

So go ahead and say marriage should be illegal until age 25, but age is not some magic number of getting all the partying out of your system, of growing up all of a sudden, of being able to make a commitment. Marriage is something that is work, a constant evolving, sacrifice, compromise and commitment to love even when you don't feel like you can.  And there is no age you can place on that.

[Our wedding day.  11.20.2004]