Dear Former Church.

Dear Church,

I think it's finally time to let go.  I've been struggling with this for some time and I honestly thought that you hadn't hurt me that much.  That I could just let it go without any processing and before I just didn't have the time to think about it.  I had four young kids to take care of, five college classes to pass and one very hurt and depressed husband that mattered more to me than you did at the time.
But as time has passed, Andy has healed, thank God, I passed my classes with three A's and two B's and we've left the place that we came to love so much I started to realize that maybe I'm not over it.  Maybe I haven't even begun to process it and now as I've come out of the fog to find myself in a different state both literally and mentally I think I'm ready to let it out and let it go.
Since the leaders in our church didn't care much to hear our side of the story or to think of us much at all I have decided it's something I need to do on my own whether you want to hear it or not.  My husband has shared his side of the story and while we are one his story is not the same as mine.  So church, I just wanted to let you know, you hurt me.  When my family needed your support and love more than ever you turned your backs on us.  When my husband was so physically injured that he could not walk and his mind was turning on him you shrugged your shoulders, not your problem.  When I told you he stumbled and fell and couldn't make it down the stairs your first thoughts were not of prayer or concern but, "So is he working today?"
If I said this began and ended with Kevin that would be a lie, we put our hearts and souls into building up our church in every way possible.  We literally lived and breathed that old busted down, leaking ceiling, broken toilet, fuse popping place.  I was, mostly, proud to call it both home and my church.  But as time passed we began to feel more used, our job situation made us feel more like indentured servants than respected vital parts of the operation.  We were expected to take care of all aspects of the building, fix broken things with our own finances, which weren't much, and do it all while being mentally abused by members of the church.  While nothing was good enough for you it was all we could do.  We strived to make the church building a place of trust and love for those that came in, our own friends that had been deeply hurt by the church and Christians, began to let their children be present in a place they didn't trust but because of the love and acceptance we gave to everyone who came to the building and a slow healing began to take place.
As time went on, yes, we felt worn out.  Perhaps that you wouldn't be able to do it without us, and that's where we were very wrong.  As the church grew to accept a new priest, another leader for our parish of about ten, his vision was distinct.  To help the homeless and needy of Oahu, especially veterans, and we were behind him.  We had an empty room on the second floor of our third floor building that we converted into a temporary homeless shelter.  And by converted I mean that my family provided all our own bedding, furnishings and food.  I cooked three meals a day for whichever homeless or needy person was there at the time.  We washed their clothes, we gave them shelter, compassion and love.  We felt it was our purpose to show God's love in the same way we felt it.  We took in people that stole from us, that cursed and threatened us but still we took it in stride, we were not perfect people and we didn't expect perfection from anyone else.  Towards the end of our time at the church we took in a young veteran named Kevin.  Kevin was charismatic, he was also an ex-addict with a lot of mental issues.  But like always, we trusted, we allowed him in our home to shower, he ate dinner at our table with our children and he spent Christmas day with our family.  We felt that everyone deserved to be loved and accepted and who are we to judge another person's sins.
Kevin became a large part of our family life, someone we saw everyday, that we included in our BBQs with friends and movie nights in our home.  He was so grateful for our family and all we had done for him he gave us small amounts of money on occasion to help with the cost of food, etc.  That's when things went wrong.
Kevin found out I had been smoking weed, we are as transparent as we can be about most things in our lives and I have never been ashamed of this.  While I understand where this could be seen as wrong as an active member of my community, a loving Mother and a hard-worker, weed for me is medicine.  A God-given medicine at that, it calms my anxiety and helps me not be overwhelmed.  I have always and probably will always be a smoker, I don't really drink, I curse like a sailor and I am staunchly pro-life.  I am not a perfect person but I have always believed that God cares less for the rules of man and more for the way men, or women, show themselves.  This apparently was not ok with Kevin and he became increasingly angry with us and stopped eating dinner with our family and talking to us all together.  We were sincerely confused, we didn't know where we had gone wrong but we also knew Kevin had extreme PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder, from his time in the military and chalked it up to that.  As time went on he became more aggressive, as he lived in the same building as us he would stare us down and with young children both in our home and in the apartment next to ours we began to be concerned.
We knew at this point that our church did not care about us so we began to become more and more concerned about the situation.  Andy had also hurt himself in the beginning of the year and his health was slowly deteriorating.  He went from being a fully healthy man to  crutches and then eventually a wheelchair, by the end of our ordeal with the church he could no longer stand on his own.  In addition to the stressful home situation we also had trouble trying to establish insurance with the state and his only solace was the emergency room that would just give pain killers and send him home.  As this went on the church called Andy in for a meeting, at this point I had stopped attending church with my children as our church community was a hostile, unloving place.  Families would scream at each other from the front row pews and the elders would constantly scold the kids if they were not silent.  It was not a loving place, I did not feel God's presence and every time one of our friend's would come visit I was so ashamed by the way they and their children were treated.  That's not to say there was never love in our church or even that there was none by the time we left but our church was not a community, it was a place for legalism and name calling.
As Andy entered the meeting he was approached by both of our priests, our deacon, and Kevin.  He sat, in pain, for over an hour while they berated him, told him he was entitled and wrong.  The icing on the cake was when Kevin accused us of stealing funds from the church, the money he had given us for food etc. was now meant for the church and how could we have done this?  Andy called me after the meeting panicking and scared. The church had demanded we pay Kevin back the "thousands" or dollars he had given us without any documentation or proof. During this meeting Kevin told all of the elders of our church that he, "Hated Andy so much that I try not to see him because I want to throw him down the stairs."  After I had heard this exchange I was blown away.  How could our church so willingly trust someone they had known less than two months when we had given so much of ourselves for almost a decade?  When I called our priest to ask him why this would be allowed his response was, "He didn't say he really would do it, just that he wants to."  Needless to say this didn't comfort me and we quit our job that day. Doing so was not an easy decision, everything we had was wrapped up in our church.  Our home, our only source of income, everything.  But anyone being threatened in their own home will understand our urgency, we no longer felt safe.  Kevin had already threatened Andy and we were now locked in a building with him with our four young children and my husband injured enough that he could not protect himself or us.  The next few months were a blur of pain and suffering that we are still trying to wade through.  Andy got worse before he got better, depression set in for both us.  In the span of a week I, and our dear friends, packed our home as fast as we could.  Selling what we could but eventually letting go of almost all our earthly possessions.  I found myself crying as I went through our stuff knowing we could bring little to none of it.  While I know these things  Fleeing our home in the middle of the night I couldn't help but think of all we had lost.
Thus began our time of moving from house to house, I honestly have never been under as much stress in my life.  Juggling school with kids and a husband that could no longer care for them I wanted to give up many many times.  When I sat down to begin this letter I didn't really mean it as a re-hashing of events but am realizing this is what I need to move on....
So, former church, I just wanted to let you know you hurt me, you hurt us.  God tells his followers that there will be pain and suffering I just didn't realize that it would come from within.  It hurt that my family could have been one of the homeless that you were trying so desperately to help, that without the grace and love of our friends we would have been on the streets and our church wouldn't have cared.  We left our home and church in the beginning of March and stayed on island until I could finish my finals a week early in April. Not once did our church leaders call and ask if we were ok, I heard from my former tenants that they went around bashing us and telling everyone what a poor job we did.  Such a poor job that they were content with us doing it for over three years right?  It hurt when Andy wrote the leaders of church, the bishops and priests of other branches of our denomination looking for guidance, comfort, even a kind word and got nothing, he wasn't even worth a response.
I have been filled with anger about this situation for some time, even now as I find my family somehow in Colorado, stunned with the changes that have happened this past year I am having a hard time letting go.  It hurts me to think that my weed smoking was enough to be dismissed, a sinner with no hopes for redemption.   I have wanted to rant and call them and cry and scream about the hurt they have caused us, how betrayed and unloved we have felt by people that call themselves Christians. I am sad that these events have shaken my faith to the core, that I no longer know what I believe, if I believe.  I don't know if I will ever trust a church again or if I even desire to.
I guess that's my end.  I hope I have processed enough to let it go, the anger, the frustration, the hurt.  To know there will never be closure on the other end, that I will never get an apology or even a second glance.  That my sins were enough for our family to be dismissed, that the church would rather look perfect than be forgiving.  Good-bye Church of the Risen Lord, you were my home for so long.  The place I went back to and cherished, I'm sad for how it ended but I will not let your pointed fingers define me.  I still trust that I am a child of God, that I am loved by Him and that it's time to move on.

Nicole Hope.

Lenten musings and a Fridge Pickle recipe.

It's that time of year again, every good Catholic gone bad's worst nightmare.

Lent.

A time to reflect on the things we've done wrong, that we KNOW we've done wrong.  To confess our sins and repent.  To attempt to do better, and try to grasp what a great sacrifice God made for us.

In many years past Lent has been a surface thing for me, get ashes put on your forehead, go to Jamba Juice, everyone knows your a Christian.  Good to go.   Even in the things I decided to give up for Lent, they were superficial and at best just a semi-Godly diet plan.  Give up soda for 40 days for God?

Sure!  Maybe I'll lose weight in the process.....never mind the fact that I can never do something for 40 days.  I'm not a very consistent person, I change my mind constantly and I can always come up with another reason as to why, just this once it's ok. "We're on vacation!" "It's a federal holiday, I mean we're not expected to observe Lent too right?" "I decided to change my Lent fast to chocolate." Etc. 

But all in all, they're excuses.  Why am I unable to give up such a small thing in the effort to truly remember what God has given up for me?  Most likely because I just didn't want to. This past year my relationship with God has grown in ways I never imagine and I really wanted to make it something that would help remind me of that sacrifice, that would strengthen my relationship with God, not just make it another thing I could somehow work my way around if I knew enough loop holes.

I thought of giving up social media, which wouldn't be bad, mostly Instagram just stops me from eating my meals right when they're done cause I have to take a picture but all in all innocent.  I thought of giving up meat or grains or dairy.  But all of those we're just diet variations for me and when I'm not eating those things I'm not thinking of God, I'm thinking about how annoying it is that I can't eat those things.  

I've prayed about it and it keeps coming back to the same thing, my negativity.  I get this adorable trait from my Father, thanks Dad! And I'm sure I've only added to it myself.  In general I wouldn't say I'm negative but I think I'm confusing negativity with complaining.  I can be positive, it has happened and I have become a more positive person than the surly pissed off 18 year old I once was but this certain dude I live with has commented on my negativity more than a few times.  Sorry babe. 

So for 40 days I will TRY to not be negative.  I am certain I will fail many times.  But I will try, to see the good in things, the positives in myself and my life.  The beautiful wonderful life God has provided me and in my positivity I will remember him.  I can't be negative about myself, my looks, my weight, etc if I truly want to honor God who gave me this body in the first place.  I already feel like this has rubbed off a little bit on Lily and the thought that she would think badly of herself at such a young age because I am so negative about myself is devastating.  No negative talk about other people, also known as gossip.  You caught me.  And my biggest killer, negativity about my home.  It is easy for me to get caught up and anxious about what I CAN'T do that I never focus on what I CAN do.  What I HAVE done.  So time to let it be, let God's love remind me of all the positives in my life and how blessed I truly am.

And food!  We're leaving for Orlando, Florida on Sunday, yeay!  For about a week so I've been cooking/eating everything in the fridge to get ready for this.  I made the mistake of buying a Costco pack of cucumbers last week and still had 2 left that were not long for this world.  I decided pickles were the way to go!  Seriously easy, so easy to adapt and change and tasty!  I made these and ate them a few hours later and they were already delicious.  

Mama Cole's Sweet & Spicy Fridge Pickles

[This recipe makes enough for 2 - 16 oz. Mason jars.  Divide each amount into two, half in each jar.]

2 English Cucumbers, sliced 1/4 inch thick

1/2 cup Unfiltered Apple Cider Vinegar

4 tsp. chili pepper flakes

1/4 cup sugar

2 cloves of garlic, smashed

2 tbs. Kosher salt

Water

[1] In the bottom of each mason jar put apple cider vinegar, chili flakes, sugar, garlic cloves and salt.

[2] Place lids on jars and shake to dissolve sugar and salt.

[3] Add cucumber slices to jars and then fill to the top with water!

[4] Seal and place in fridge! 

 I like my pickles crunchy so I eat mine right away but you can let them sit for up to a month.  

Enjoy!  This recipe can easily be adapted for more or less.  If you don't like spicy omit the pepper flake, if you want to make dill pickles omit the sugar and chili flakes and add fresh dill and peppercorns.  Try out your own combos and have fun!

Identity Crisis.

The past few weeks or so I've been noticing how bad I've been doing saying my prayers, writing in my journal, reading my Bible, etc.  These things don't come naturally to me and when given 15 minutes of down time it's easier for me to Pin 15 things on Pinterest than it is to get into my Bible.  

It's not something I'm proud of but it is something I'm aware of.  I consider myself a Christian with Catholic leanings.  I was baptized as a baby in the Catholic church and then again in the Currituck Sound in North Carolina as a Baptist at the age of about 9.

My journey with God has been a long and winding one.  Times where I have strayed FAR off the path, never really admitting it was a problem at all.  Being off the beaten path is just cool right?  

I have gone to Sunday School, I teach Sunday School now.  I have stared in awkwardness as people speak in tongues and lay prostate on the ground.  I have had priests & minister's wives tell me I am a child of God, that I AM beautiful in his eyes, and at times those are the exact words I needed to hear.

I have praised his name and I have denied it.  

But finally, at this point in my life, I choose not to be ashamed anymore.  It still might not flow out of me easily.  It's easier for me to talk about being a mother or wife than it is about being a Christian.  Maybe because I'm such an imperfect example?  But aren't we all?  I just know I have gone months without the thought of God in my head.  Without a prayer on my lips and felt completely comfortable in this.  Sure, I felt alone, but I just thought that was the world and how I was meant to live.

Now.  Now I crave Him.  His word, his praise.  Sure, I still sometimes think of God as an afterthought as something I will "get around to" after I've done all the cleaning, texting & kid-rearing of the day.  But I know now that I want to change.  I want to wake up and think of His purpose for me for the day.  I want to go to sleep dreaming dreams of Him.  While this might be a noble idea I know it's one that won't come without me putting in the work, without acknowledging that without Him I am nothing.  I can do nothing.  The people of this world have failed me time and time again just as I fail those I love.  

But knowing that God's love never fails is an amazing thing.

Even more amazing is that I believe it. 

So while it's easy for me to find my identity in the labels of this world: mother, wife, student, daughter, sister, friend, baker, blogger, doula, drummer.  I know that my identity is in Him.  Not in the label of Christian, because by this world's and God's standard it's something I will never live up to.  Like any mother knows there's always someone willing to point out your flaws, where you've messed up, why they're a better mother than you, the same works for the label Christian and I know I'm wrong.  

I know I will never be enough for this world.  Just enough for God.  Just part of my dark but loveliness. <3

My personal goal for this week:  I have a prayer journal that I started in December when I desperately needed it.  It is the first journal that I have even come close to finishing and actually kept track of.  I have about 15-20 blank pages left and probably haven't written in it in about 2 weeks.  So I am determined to finish it up, there is a lot of stuff in there that I don't want to remember but I am ready to move on.  To forgive and let go.  For the next chapter in my book.  

Plus who doesn't love a nice shiny new journal? ;) 

Now.....FOOD!  

I made this enchilada sauce the other night for Zucchini Black Bean Goat Cheese enchiladas.

I was thinking they would taste weird and not Mexican-y enough for me but I was wrong!

This sauce is good, with a little heat and would be great for any kind of enchiladas.  Especially since I tried in vain to get like, 5 different people to send me the Trader Joe's bottled enchilada sauce, with no luck.  I guess this stuff will have to do!  Next time I'll probably make a double batch so I can just freeze it.  I want to say Adios Mother Fuckers here, but I know that will probably negate the previous part of my blog, but old habits die hard.  Ay yi yi.

Jalapeno Enchilada Sauce

2 cans Organic Tomato Sauce

4-6 pickled Jalapeno slices [could omit if you don't want any heat at all]

1/3 cup Chicken Stock 

1 tsp. Cumin

1/2 tsp. dried thyme

1/2 tsp. dried oregano

1 small handful Cilantro leaves

Salt & Pepper to taste

1/3 cup Greek Yogurt

1 small onion sliced

1 clove of garlic

[1] Dump all your ingredients into a food processor or blender.

[2] Blend until everything is smooth and incorporated.

[3] Pour into a medium saucepan and heat on low-medium for about 10-15 minutes.

[4] Taste!  Adjust to your liking.  

Really simple and great for us folks that can't get good Mexican food.

Hmph. 

Red Velvet Brownies & Mewithoutyou Ten Stories Review.

I love love love Red Velvet.  If I pass by a cupcake shop I have to stop and see if they have it, I try it anywhere I can find it so when I came upon this recipe on Pinterest...of course I had to try it!

I think these would be good with Cream Cheese frosting or even just a sprinkling of powdered sugar, I was just out.  I also have the awesome super power of being able to resist baked goods once I've made them.  I tried them, they were delicious.  And the kids ate the rest. True story, I swear.

They come out redder than they look in this picture and the original recipe had DOUBLE the amount of red food coloring.  If your going for that I'm sure it would be fine.  In case your wondering this is definitely NOT one of my healthier recipes, but hey, they all can't be.  Happy Baking! 

Red Velvet Brownies

adapted from www.newlyweds-blog.com

Ingredients:

1 cup unsalted butter, room temperature 

1 1/2 cups granulated sugar

1 1/2 cups brown sugar

4 large eggs, room temperature

2 tubes red gel food coloring, about 1 oz.

1 teaspoon Vanilla extract

2 1/2 cups AP flour

6 heaping tablespoons unsweetened Cocoa powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 Tbs. milk

Before you begin:  Butter a 9x13 Cake Pan and preheat your oven to 350 degrees.

[1] Cream butter & both sugars in a mixer.

[2] Add eggs one at a time, stopping and scraping down sides of mixer when necessary.

[3] Add vanilla, milk, and red food coloring.

Meanwhile, in a separate bowl......

[4] Whisk together flour, cocoa powder, and salt.

[5] Slowly add dry mixture to wet  until combined, use your spatula to make sure nothing gets stuck to the bottom.

Pour the mixture into your pan and bake for 35-50 minutes depending on how gooey you like your brownies.  Now devour! 

And now for some music.

Ten Stories- Mewithoutyou

I have recently re-discovered Mewithoutyou.  I liked them before, I LOVE them now.

The music is awesome, interesting and just something as a musician I can never really grasp at how they came about their radness.  The lead singer, Aaron Weiss, has such a unique voice and their lyrics simply blow me away.  While not really considered a Christian band it is refreshing to hear what I consider Christian music but not have to necessarily listen to Top 40 type stuff all the time, I'm not that old yet!

I have only heard 2 previous Mewithoutyou CDs, Brother, Sister and It's all crazy!  It's all false!  It's all a dream!  It's alright. [They have 4 albums]

Hearing their newest CD, which has been called a cross between the two albums I love and their earlier work I am really inclined to go buy the other 2 right now.

Musically wise I think it's comparable to the other CDs I love, this being my first CD review I'm not even quite sure how one goes about describing music in words?  You just feel it man, or other hippie references here.  Is indie a style of music or just lesser known music?  Either way I'm probably not qualified to even have an opinion on this. 

BUT I do like this CD.  One of the reasons I like Mewithoutyou so much are there lyrics, they ask real questions I think most Christians have asked at some time or another, they question God, his plans and life but somehow always come back to the fact that they trust in him. This time around it's their first concept album?  It tells the story of a traveling circus and the animals on the train. 
I'm having a hard time finding the lyrics on-line and even after more than a dozen listens I'm trying to figure this CD out, but I guess the conclusion is that this CD makes me want to do just that.  I won't stop listening anytime soon. 

One of my favorite lyrics from Mewithoutyou.

Pretty sweet tattoo design as well.

“The LORD is my strength and my defense ; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.
Exodus 15:1-3

Starting over.

I chose to start this blog today because I needed it.  I've recently gone through a lot of life changes, which at 28, feel utterly impossible.  I'm pregnant with our 4th child and we have made the transition from Stockton, CA [if you know of this city I'm sure your shocked we're not dead yet] to Waipahu, HI [not as nice as it sounds but Hawaii nonetheless.]

My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years, together for over 10, and we've had some major hurdles to get through in that time, the past year especially.  And as hard as things have been I am trying to change my normally negative outlook on life and try a different approach.  Giving it to God.

Sounds easy, it isn't.  I am a slight control freak that needs order, schedules and lists to get through my easy days.  The theory of letting someone else, someone much bigger than me even, take care of my problems for me sounds a bit ridiculous.

But I'm trying, because I think at this point I'm starting to know better.  No matter what I write down or plan in advance or budget for life will get the better of me.  I cannot be it all.  So I am learning to let it go and let someone more qualified for the job take care of it. 

A craft Lily, 5, made in Sunday School.  The pepper represents the bad we keep in our hearts that only God can get rid of.  Very fitting.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians: 12-19