The Pregnant Mommy Wall [w/Cheesy Chicken Jalapeno Bake]

The end is drawing near.  Just not near enough.

I've hit the pregnant Mommy wall.  And it's not even my due date yet.

Pregnant Mommy wall is kinda like what I imagine Runner's Wall is, since I don't run and have no intention to unless my life depended on it.  Some women hit that wall at 12 weeks, and you will hear ALL about it on their Facebook for the next 5 months.  Oh yes, lucky us. 

My back hurts and if not my back then my ribs or my head.  That might be from the other kids but who knows at this point?  People are starting to drive me [more] crazy than usual and Andy is doing more damage control than normal.  I really want to savor this last little bit of time, I really do, but I can't.

I'm just so grumpy.  So hot.  I feel like a roly-poly especially in the middle of the night when the thought of getting up to go to the bathroom sounds almost worst than peeing in the bed.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep. The baby feels so huge inside of me now that when she moves I literally feel elbows & knees poking out of my stomach.  Ahh, the joys of pregnancy.  As much as I complain about it all tho I am trying to hold onto that joy.  The same advice I would give to my expecting Mamas I'm trying to give myself, although I'm probably more stubborn than most of them and hate unwanted advice, even my own.

[39 weeks!]

I know in a week or two this will [most likely, please God let it be] over and these last few days will be just a blur of 3 kids instead of 4.  Of preparing for her instead of holding her.  Of feeling her stretch on the inside instead of little feet on the outside.  Pregnancy is such a short time and I know what a blessing it is that I CAN have healthy pregnancies.  I have lost babies in my lifetime and I never want to seem ungrateful for the lives we have been blessed with.  When all I want to do is complain I'm trying to remember all God has blessed me with.

The 3 beautiful faces I kiss everyday.
The 1 wonderful husband that is always there to hold my hand, and give me a shove when I need help getting out of bed.
The 2 little feet currently kicking the crap out of me from the inside.

As much as I complain I am thankful for it all.

And food!  I am so thankful for that.  I have become a ravenous beast towards the end of this pregnancy and have gained 18 pounds so far.  My inner low self-esteem teenage girl is trying not to shriek in terror and calm myself down knowing it is normal, healthy & good for the baby to gain weight.  With Lily I lost 15 pounds, with Jonas I lost 10 & with Oliver I think I gained 5 so I'm also getting a little paranoid that this is a monster little girl.

So I've been known to eat dinner.  Than a bowl of cereal & than 5 clementine oranges.
I can't be stopped.  I'm the bottomless pit!
I made this the other night and it's one of those things you just can't stop eating.
It was so good and easy.  Just one more thing to be thankful for.

Cheesy Chicken Jalapeno & Rice Bake.
[Also known as Murderous Mayan Mexican Bake,
since we've been watching a lot of Sons of Anarchy lately.]

2 cups rice [I used a mixture of white & brown but you probably could use either or]
2 cups [8 oz.] shredded Monterey Jack Cheese
2 Jalapenos diced small [We like stuff hot so do less if you don't!]
1 cup evaporated Milk
1/3 cup chopped Cilantro
1 1/2 cups cooked diced chicken [I used all white meat]
Salt & Pepper to taste
2 eggs, beaten
2 tbs. melted butter

[1] Preheat oven to 350 degrees & butter a 2 quart casserole dish.
[2] Mix all ingredients together in a bowl and pour into casserole dish.
[3] Bake for 50-60 minutes until a knife comes out clean.
[4] Enjoy!

I served this with tomato slices [for Andy] and tortilla chips, just for a crunch but it's fine without!

Identity Crisis.

The past few weeks or so I've been noticing how bad I've been doing saying my prayers, writing in my journal, reading my Bible, etc.  These things don't come naturally to me and when given 15 minutes of down time it's easier for me to Pin 15 things on Pinterest than it is to get into my Bible.  

It's not something I'm proud of but it is something I'm aware of.  I consider myself a Christian with Catholic leanings.  I was baptized as a baby in the Catholic church and then again in the Currituck Sound in North Carolina as a Baptist at the age of about 9.

My journey with God has been a long and winding one.  Times where I have strayed FAR off the path, never really admitting it was a problem at all.  Being off the beaten path is just cool right?  

I have gone to Sunday School, I teach Sunday School now.  I have stared in awkwardness as people speak in tongues and lay prostate on the ground.  I have had priests & minister's wives tell me I am a child of God, that I AM beautiful in his eyes, and at times those are the exact words I needed to hear.

I have praised his name and I have denied it.  

But finally, at this point in my life, I choose not to be ashamed anymore.  It still might not flow out of me easily.  It's easier for me to talk about being a mother or wife than it is about being a Christian.  Maybe because I'm such an imperfect example?  But aren't we all?  I just know I have gone months without the thought of God in my head.  Without a prayer on my lips and felt completely comfortable in this.  Sure, I felt alone, but I just thought that was the world and how I was meant to live.

Now.  Now I crave Him.  His word, his praise.  Sure, I still sometimes think of God as an afterthought as something I will "get around to" after I've done all the cleaning, texting & kid-rearing of the day.  But I know now that I want to change.  I want to wake up and think of His purpose for me for the day.  I want to go to sleep dreaming dreams of Him.  While this might be a noble idea I know it's one that won't come without me putting in the work, without acknowledging that without Him I am nothing.  I can do nothing.  The people of this world have failed me time and time again just as I fail those I love.  

But knowing that God's love never fails is an amazing thing.

Even more amazing is that I believe it. 

So while it's easy for me to find my identity in the labels of this world: mother, wife, student, daughter, sister, friend, baker, blogger, doula, drummer.  I know that my identity is in Him.  Not in the label of Christian, because by this world's and God's standard it's something I will never live up to.  Like any mother knows there's always someone willing to point out your flaws, where you've messed up, why they're a better mother than you, the same works for the label Christian and I know I'm wrong.  

I know I will never be enough for this world.  Just enough for God.  Just part of my dark but loveliness. <3

My personal goal for this week:  I have a prayer journal that I started in December when I desperately needed it.  It is the first journal that I have even come close to finishing and actually kept track of.  I have about 15-20 blank pages left and probably haven't written in it in about 2 weeks.  So I am determined to finish it up, there is a lot of stuff in there that I don't want to remember but I am ready to move on.  To forgive and let go.  For the next chapter in my book.  

Plus who doesn't love a nice shiny new journal? ;) 

Now.....FOOD!  

I made this enchilada sauce the other night for Zucchini Black Bean Goat Cheese enchiladas.

I was thinking they would taste weird and not Mexican-y enough for me but I was wrong!

This sauce is good, with a little heat and would be great for any kind of enchiladas.  Especially since I tried in vain to get like, 5 different people to send me the Trader Joe's bottled enchilada sauce, with no luck.  I guess this stuff will have to do!  Next time I'll probably make a double batch so I can just freeze it.  I want to say Adios Mother Fuckers here, but I know that will probably negate the previous part of my blog, but old habits die hard.  Ay yi yi.

Jalapeno Enchilada Sauce

2 cans Organic Tomato Sauce

4-6 pickled Jalapeno slices [could omit if you don't want any heat at all]

1/3 cup Chicken Stock 

1 tsp. Cumin

1/2 tsp. dried thyme

1/2 tsp. dried oregano

1 small handful Cilantro leaves

Salt & Pepper to taste

1/3 cup Greek Yogurt

1 small onion sliced

1 clove of garlic

[1] Dump all your ingredients into a food processor or blender.

[2] Blend until everything is smooth and incorporated.

[3] Pour into a medium saucepan and heat on low-medium for about 10-15 minutes.

[4] Taste!  Adjust to your liking.  

Really simple and great for us folks that can't get good Mexican food.

Hmph. 

5 in 5. Edition: 2

Again, I will tell you just how much I love an easy project! 

I don't mind elaborate ones as well but it usually helps me if I have most things on hand and I can do them in under 30 minutes, cause that's about as much time as a child under 2 will probably ever give you.

So here's another set!  

1.  Slow Cooker Dulce De Leche

[1] Slow Cooker [2] Mason Jar [3] Water [4] Sweetened Condensed Milk

So easy & tasty!  I used this to top mango cupcakes and stirred it into my iced coffee but it would also be good in brownies or pretty much anything!  Just open up the can of milk, place into a clean mason jar and close tightly, you can also do this directly in the can but it creeped me out a little and you're probably going to want to put it in something else so you might as well do it to begin with.  Put the mason jar in your slow cooker and make sure it is completely covered with water!  Put it on high for 6 hours or low for 8.  The advantage of doing it in the jar as well is that you can see through it and see how dark your Leche is getting.  Yummy! 

2.  Tooth Fairy Money

[1] Dollar Bill [2] Hair Spray [3] Glitter

Our oldest, Lily, just lost her 1st tooth last week!  This made me want to cry and also have slight flash forwards of a teenage daughter and how much I hope God does not show me what I deserve from my teenage years.  We were so excited to do tooth fairy things & make it magical, etc.  Then she told us that her Aunt had already told her that I'M the tooth fairy.  Buzz kill man.  But we went ahead and made it fun, for us, and hoping she might still believe a little bit.  When she woke up the next morning to glittery money and her tooth missing she was pretty amazed. :)  5 year olds are so easy to fool.  Really. 

The money is a lot glittery than it looks in this picture and super simple!  Just spray the bill with the hairspray and shake on the glitter!  It dries really quickly too!

3. Cousin Jaz's Mexican Squash Casserole

[1] 1 Zucchini [2] I can of corn [3] 1 small can of tomato sauce [4] Shredded Cheddar Cheese 

First off, I will say I consider oil, salt & pepper to be freebies.  You will need all of those here!

I can't remember exactly when I learned how to make this but one of my favorite in-laws taught me how to make it!  I know it was a long time ago, maybe when we lived in Guadalupe and Jaz worked at the awesome Hot Dog on a Stick in Santa Maria.  Either way, good memories come with this recipe & I wish I got to see this beautiful woman more often than I do. 

Slice a zucchini in half & then into half moon pieces.  Not super thin, this will cook in a pan and then bake so you don't want it mushy.  Heat oil in a pan and sauté zucchini with a little salt & pepper.  About 5 minutes, add 1 can drained corn or fresh if you have it, even better!  I like a little char on my corn then I add the can of tomato sauce.  Mix well and pour into a baking dish, it's a pretty wet mixture.  Top with as much cheese as you like, I LOVE cheese as you can see.  Bake at 400 degree F just until cheese is melted and it's done!  Andy loves this with rice and pork chops.  It's the Mexi/Filipino in him.

4.  Spring Clean your mattress!

[1] Baking Soda [2] Lavender Oil [3] Mason Jar [4] Sieve [5] Vacuum

I have an obsession with cleaning and I have a really sensitive nose.  Two random facts about me that happen to match up.  I can't stand bad smelling things or just random funk.  We got a mattress from a friend when we moved back here, for which I am very thankful!  I figured a good cleaning never did any mattress bad and the lavender helps promote good sleep.  After we did this our mattress smelled so fresh, ahhh.  Fill a mason jar, with baking soda and about 4-5 drops of Lavender oil.  Shake well.  This recipe made enough to clean my mattress twice, you could do carpets with it as well, etc. And since nothing in here is toxic and even edible I don't mind the kids playing in it while it "soaks."  Use the sieve to sprinkle the mixture over your mattress and let it sit for at least 30 minutes.  I let mine sit for a few hours cause really it can't hurt.  Then vacuum!  If you have a hose attachment that would be awesome, we don't so I just lift the whole vacuum up. 

5.  Make a Happy Birthday balloon number!

[1] Balloons [2] Tape

This one is pretty obvious but still I had never thought of it until I discovered Pinterest, uh-oh.  For Jonas' 4th birthday this year we didn't have a big party like we have had every year before so I wanted to make sure we had different ways to show him how special he is to us & how excited we were for his birthday!  We did this on our living room wall after he went to sleep so when he woke up he was pretty excited.  

Blow up your balloons, how many you need depends on your number, how big you want it, etc.  One multi colored bag from Target was more than enough for us.  Don't blow them up too big otherwise they'll be a pain to stick to the wall.  I taped the base of each balloon and once I had them all in place I used rolls of tape to stick all the balloons to one another, it really helped.

Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let your hands not be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well.
Ecclesiastes 11:5-7