Whirlwind Woman [Happy Birthday Oreo Cake Batter Blondies!]

So, lately life has been a whirlwind.  I'm sure most people understand that.  Not enough time for anything, or just a little time for everything and nothing finished.  Kind of like how I clean the house, as I walk from room to room I stop and fold some laundry here, pick up some trash there, throw some toys in a bin over here.....the end result is nothing really being done.

But for now, I'm okay with that.  We recently decided as a family that I will be continuing my college education for oh, 6 more years or so.  The decision was daunting and it required a lot for me to realize that I will not, cannot be the Mom that does everything.  Taking a full college load, being a mother of 4 young children, working part-time in addition to being a wife, friend, and very sporadic blogger means I cannot do it all.  And on the worst days I can't do any of it.

I'm trying my best for now, to relax about it.  I have come to understand that my anxieties are not just my own but a burden on my family and also in direct relation to my trust in God.  If He has set me on this path I must trust that each day will take care of itself.  My laundry may never be completely done, my kid's might have unbrushed hair and unorganized rooms but ours hearts will be full.

So for now, while school takes priority over mopped floors and alphabetized blu-rays [yes, I do that.] I will do what I can.  And what I can do is make this awesome dessert in under 5 minutes.  Super easy. not healthy in the slightest, and my kid's loved them.  Hopefully when I've finished my Masters I'll look back at this time in our lives and be joyful about the things I let go.

Happy Birthday Oreo Cake Batter Blondies

• 1 box Yellow Cake Mix
• 15 Golden Happy Birthday Oreos, chopped. 
• 1/4 cup coconut oil
• 1/2 cup sprinkles
• 1/3 cup milk 
• 1 egg

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease an 11x7 pan.
2. Combine cake mix, coconut oil, egg and sprinkles.
3. Slowly add milk and stir together, batter will be thick!  This is good. :)
4. Once combined fold in 3/4 of your chopped Oreos and 3/4 of your sprinkles.
5. Pour into the greased pan and sprinkle reserved Oreos and sprinkles on top.
6. Bake for 28 minutes until edges are slightly brown.
7. Remove from oven and let cool completely so blondies can set.
8. Enjoy! 

Identity Crisis.

The past few weeks or so I've been noticing how bad I've been doing saying my prayers, writing in my journal, reading my Bible, etc.  These things don't come naturally to me and when given 15 minutes of down time it's easier for me to Pin 15 things on Pinterest than it is to get into my Bible.  

It's not something I'm proud of but it is something I'm aware of.  I consider myself a Christian with Catholic leanings.  I was baptized as a baby in the Catholic church and then again in the Currituck Sound in North Carolina as a Baptist at the age of about 9.

My journey with God has been a long and winding one.  Times where I have strayed FAR off the path, never really admitting it was a problem at all.  Being off the beaten path is just cool right?  

I have gone to Sunday School, I teach Sunday School now.  I have stared in awkwardness as people speak in tongues and lay prostate on the ground.  I have had priests & minister's wives tell me I am a child of God, that I AM beautiful in his eyes, and at times those are the exact words I needed to hear.

I have praised his name and I have denied it.  

But finally, at this point in my life, I choose not to be ashamed anymore.  It still might not flow out of me easily.  It's easier for me to talk about being a mother or wife than it is about being a Christian.  Maybe because I'm such an imperfect example?  But aren't we all?  I just know I have gone months without the thought of God in my head.  Without a prayer on my lips and felt completely comfortable in this.  Sure, I felt alone, but I just thought that was the world and how I was meant to live.

Now.  Now I crave Him.  His word, his praise.  Sure, I still sometimes think of God as an afterthought as something I will "get around to" after I've done all the cleaning, texting & kid-rearing of the day.  But I know now that I want to change.  I want to wake up and think of His purpose for me for the day.  I want to go to sleep dreaming dreams of Him.  While this might be a noble idea I know it's one that won't come without me putting in the work, without acknowledging that without Him I am nothing.  I can do nothing.  The people of this world have failed me time and time again just as I fail those I love.  

But knowing that God's love never fails is an amazing thing.

Even more amazing is that I believe it. 

So while it's easy for me to find my identity in the labels of this world: mother, wife, student, daughter, sister, friend, baker, blogger, doula, drummer.  I know that my identity is in Him.  Not in the label of Christian, because by this world's and God's standard it's something I will never live up to.  Like any mother knows there's always someone willing to point out your flaws, where you've messed up, why they're a better mother than you, the same works for the label Christian and I know I'm wrong.  

I know I will never be enough for this world.  Just enough for God.  Just part of my dark but loveliness. <3

My personal goal for this week:  I have a prayer journal that I started in December when I desperately needed it.  It is the first journal that I have even come close to finishing and actually kept track of.  I have about 15-20 blank pages left and probably haven't written in it in about 2 weeks.  So I am determined to finish it up, there is a lot of stuff in there that I don't want to remember but I am ready to move on.  To forgive and let go.  For the next chapter in my book.  

Plus who doesn't love a nice shiny new journal? ;) 

Now.....FOOD!  

I made this enchilada sauce the other night for Zucchini Black Bean Goat Cheese enchiladas.

I was thinking they would taste weird and not Mexican-y enough for me but I was wrong!

This sauce is good, with a little heat and would be great for any kind of enchiladas.  Especially since I tried in vain to get like, 5 different people to send me the Trader Joe's bottled enchilada sauce, with no luck.  I guess this stuff will have to do!  Next time I'll probably make a double batch so I can just freeze it.  I want to say Adios Mother Fuckers here, but I know that will probably negate the previous part of my blog, but old habits die hard.  Ay yi yi.

Jalapeno Enchilada Sauce

2 cans Organic Tomato Sauce

4-6 pickled Jalapeno slices [could omit if you don't want any heat at all]

1/3 cup Chicken Stock 

1 tsp. Cumin

1/2 tsp. dried thyme

1/2 tsp. dried oregano

1 small handful Cilantro leaves

Salt & Pepper to taste

1/3 cup Greek Yogurt

1 small onion sliced

1 clove of garlic

[1] Dump all your ingredients into a food processor or blender.

[2] Blend until everything is smooth and incorporated.

[3] Pour into a medium saucepan and heat on low-medium for about 10-15 minutes.

[4] Taste!  Adjust to your liking.  

Really simple and great for us folks that can't get good Mexican food.

Hmph.