Lenten musings and a Fridge Pickle recipe.

It's that time of year again, every good Catholic gone bad's worst nightmare.

Lent.

A time to reflect on the things we've done wrong, that we KNOW we've done wrong.  To confess our sins and repent.  To attempt to do better, and try to grasp what a great sacrifice God made for us.

In many years past Lent has been a surface thing for me, get ashes put on your forehead, go to Jamba Juice, everyone knows your a Christian.  Good to go.   Even in the things I decided to give up for Lent, they were superficial and at best just a semi-Godly diet plan.  Give up soda for 40 days for God?

Sure!  Maybe I'll lose weight in the process.....never mind the fact that I can never do something for 40 days.  I'm not a very consistent person, I change my mind constantly and I can always come up with another reason as to why, just this once it's ok. "We're on vacation!" "It's a federal holiday, I mean we're not expected to observe Lent too right?" "I decided to change my Lent fast to chocolate." Etc. 

But all in all, they're excuses.  Why am I unable to give up such a small thing in the effort to truly remember what God has given up for me?  Most likely because I just didn't want to. This past year my relationship with God has grown in ways I never imagine and I really wanted to make it something that would help remind me of that sacrifice, that would strengthen my relationship with God, not just make it another thing I could somehow work my way around if I knew enough loop holes.

I thought of giving up social media, which wouldn't be bad, mostly Instagram just stops me from eating my meals right when they're done cause I have to take a picture but all in all innocent.  I thought of giving up meat or grains or dairy.  But all of those we're just diet variations for me and when I'm not eating those things I'm not thinking of God, I'm thinking about how annoying it is that I can't eat those things.  

I've prayed about it and it keeps coming back to the same thing, my negativity.  I get this adorable trait from my Father, thanks Dad! And I'm sure I've only added to it myself.  In general I wouldn't say I'm negative but I think I'm confusing negativity with complaining.  I can be positive, it has happened and I have become a more positive person than the surly pissed off 18 year old I once was but this certain dude I live with has commented on my negativity more than a few times.  Sorry babe. 

So for 40 days I will TRY to not be negative.  I am certain I will fail many times.  But I will try, to see the good in things, the positives in myself and my life.  The beautiful wonderful life God has provided me and in my positivity I will remember him.  I can't be negative about myself, my looks, my weight, etc if I truly want to honor God who gave me this body in the first place.  I already feel like this has rubbed off a little bit on Lily and the thought that she would think badly of herself at such a young age because I am so negative about myself is devastating.  No negative talk about other people, also known as gossip.  You caught me.  And my biggest killer, negativity about my home.  It is easy for me to get caught up and anxious about what I CAN'T do that I never focus on what I CAN do.  What I HAVE done.  So time to let it be, let God's love remind me of all the positives in my life and how blessed I truly am.

And food!  We're leaving for Orlando, Florida on Sunday, yeay!  For about a week so I've been cooking/eating everything in the fridge to get ready for this.  I made the mistake of buying a Costco pack of cucumbers last week and still had 2 left that were not long for this world.  I decided pickles were the way to go!  Seriously easy, so easy to adapt and change and tasty!  I made these and ate them a few hours later and they were already delicious.  

Mama Cole's Sweet & Spicy Fridge Pickles

[This recipe makes enough for 2 - 16 oz. Mason jars.  Divide each amount into two, half in each jar.]

2 English Cucumbers, sliced 1/4 inch thick

1/2 cup Unfiltered Apple Cider Vinegar

4 tsp. chili pepper flakes

1/4 cup sugar

2 cloves of garlic, smashed

2 tbs. Kosher salt

Water

[1] In the bottom of each mason jar put apple cider vinegar, chili flakes, sugar, garlic cloves and salt.

[2] Place lids on jars and shake to dissolve sugar and salt.

[3] Add cucumber slices to jars and then fill to the top with water!

[4] Seal and place in fridge! 

 I like my pickles crunchy so I eat mine right away but you can let them sit for up to a month.  

Enjoy!  This recipe can easily be adapted for more or less.  If you don't like spicy omit the pepper flake, if you want to make dill pickles omit the sugar and chili flakes and add fresh dill and peppercorns.  Try out your own combos and have fun!

Healing hurts. [Blueberry Quinoa Muffins!]

The New Year is here!  It snuck up on me.  

2012 was just a blur.  Of trips, moving, babies, blessings.  

I thought about what "resolutions" I was going to try for 2013.  Mine are mostly simple.  

Drink more water.  Sleep more.  Cuss less. Pray more.  Read my Bible. 

Be gentler with my children. Eat healthier. Stress less. Exercise.

All of these things are definitely do-able, change-able.  

But one thing I really would like to focus on this year is giving myself time to heal.

[I signed myself up for the Honolulu Marathon today!  Let the resolutions begin!]

I'm not the best at letting myself heal.  Physically or emotionally.

I always want to rush the process, to have it be over and done with.  For my body or mind to bounce back to what I expect it to be without the waiting process.  I had surgery a week ago today and today is the first day I've let myself kind of be.  I slowly baked muffins with the kids, I snuggled in bed with the babies.  I went to bed early last night. Kind of ass backwards, but it's what I do.  I wanted out of the hospital the day I had surgery.  I want all the bandages off.  I want to take showers and climb staircases and lift heavy things.  And so I do.  But at what cost?  Essentially, a slower recovery, my body is not quite as young as it used to be or maybe even as I hope it is.  I'm rounding the bend of 29, it's getting close and with 30 right behind it and it's kind of freaking me out.  

[Bellows Beach. <3]

I had the same problem post-partum.  My midwife told me to rest a solid two weeks and I didn't.  I tried to do too much and my body came back to tell me, no.  This was not a challenge of mind over matter.  My body simply needed to heal and willing it to be healed was not going to work.  In my mind I justify it with the fact that really, no mother of 4 young children can really REST.  Can they?

I mean, husbands have to work, diapers need to be changed and little mouths fed.  Laying in bed watching TV and eating Ben & Jerry's sounds delightful but improbable.  

Healing is more than a body process tho.  I do the same in my mind.  I want hurts to go away the second they happen.  I want the crap I replay in my mind to be gone.  I understand healing is a process I just want it to be the shortest one possible.  I've never been good at dealing with emotions.  I'd much rather feel physical pain than the emotional kind and telling myself things don't matter has been kind of my go-to healing process.  Whatever happened to me isn't the worst, someone else at some point in time has been in a shittier situation and who am I to complain?

Healing from hurts is agony to me.  Such a slow and painful process that involves forgiving and letting go of the past.  Forgiving I think I can do.  Well mostly, I don't know if I've quite gotten there with certain people yet and probably because I haven't finished the healing process.  Letting go, maybe.  

I hate for the past to infect my future.  I have so many beautiful things in my life.  My family, my friends, my profession.  Why do I choose to let people that could care less about me burrow their way into my happiness?  I understand the process of a cut healing, you bleed, it hurts, it scabs over and then it scars.  I think I'm at a point in my life right now that my emotional hurts are scabbed over.  A huge part of me wants to just pick at them, see if they're still raw underneath but I know the best thing I can do is let it be.  Wait for time to do what only it can do and for me, what only God can do as well.

Heal me completely, leave a scar for what was lost.  A faint reminder.

Nothing that has to be part of my day to day living, but just what it is.  I was hurt, there's no denying it. There's no hiding it.  But I can let it go, let myself heal and move on. <3

So more of that eating better business, that includes baking better too. At least sometimes.

Made these muffins with the kiddos today and none of them would eat them, seriously.

Sigh.  It's worth trying tho right?

Blueberry Quinoa Muffins

1 cup Whole Wheat Flour

1 cup cooked Quinoa

1/2 cup packed light brown sugar

2 tsps. Baking Soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 egg

2/3 cup milk [I used whole]

1/4 cup Coconut Oil

1 heaping cup blueberries [I used fresh, but frozen would work!]

[1] Preheat oven to 400 degrees and place liners in 12 muffin cups.

[2] In a large bowl whisk together the flour, brown sugar, salt & baking soda.  Mix quinoa into this mixture.

[3] In a separate bowl combine the oil, milk and egg and then fold into the dry ingredients.

[4] Gently fold in blueberries and bake for 19-21 minutes.

Quinoa Power! 

Adventures in Appendicitis!

So, I haven't blogged in awhile.  I don't know if I don't have much to say or I feel like I'm always talking about the same things over and over again.  My life is pretty routine, as routine as life with four little kids can be.  But then.....it happened.  Yesterday I took the kids to the park and met up with some of my friends to let everyone blow off some steam.  We had a good time and got home and I started making lunch.  Somewhere during this process something started to go wrong.  My back started hurting like crazy which then moved into my stomach and basically my whole body.  I could barely stand or walk and was getting pretty annoyed since my plans for the rest of the day were to finally get the post Christmas tornado cleaned up.

After fighting the urge to cry and the pain not easing up after 3 hours I finally caved.  I called the advice nurse at Kaiser who basically told me I would have to wait until the next day to get an appt. if I could stand the pain.  I waited another half an hour or so and then admitted defeat, no, I could NOT stand the pain.  Feeling bummed about my thrashed house and plans with my babe to go see This is 40 ruined, I caved in and asked Andy to take me to the ER.

 [Instagram addict even in the hospital.]

We packed up Tulip, left the kids with my sister, and made the 20 minute drive to Kaiser Moanalua which felt more like 2 hours.  When we finally got there and checked in it came to a screeching halt.  The check-in nurse said the wait would be about an hour, I don't know if I really waited that long or me rocking and moaning in the waiting room made her speed the process up a bit. Finally got checked in and answered lots of random questions, at this point the pain was subsiding a bit and I was regretting getting myself into this process but we decided it was better to wait it out and see if we could find out what was wrong since I had felt this pain more than a few times since I gave birth to Tulip.

[Morphine!  Hooray!]

They admitted me.  I was starving and thirsty at this point but alas, nothing by mouth.  Bloodwork came back negative so my doctor thought a CT scan was in order.  I had to down 2 bottles of lukewarm, sugar-free [gag] "fruit" drink.  I like to call it Devil's Juice.  It was sick, I had to take Zofran in order to not throw it up.  All not cool.  Since the CT scan couldn't happen for another two hours Andy took Tulip home since we didn't really want her at the hospital and after I drank the juice I couldn't breastfeed her for awhile.  One of my awesome friends brought breast milk to our house so we could bottle feed her until the yuck was out of my system.

Andy got back to the hospital just as another good friend was dropping off a whole mini cooler of breast milk from a woman on the Human Milk for Human Babies site.  

Sometimes the generosity of others amazes me and reminds me that, yeah there is a lot of shit and bad things in this world but I don't have to contribute to it and there are people out there that remind me of the good parts.  That in itself is awesome to me.  CT scan results came back, surprise!  Appendicitis!

[The name Breeza was not fooling me!]

So at least now, some answers!  Not the answer I wanted to hear but I was glad that: 

1. I'm not a hypochondriac

 2. I'm not a wuss. 

 For a minute there I was thinking it might have just been really bad gas. That would have been embarrassing.  A lot of back and forth and they finally scheduled my surgery for 8:30am the next morning.  Andy went home to be with the babies and work his graveyard shift and they transferred me to an actual room where I soaked in all the cable goodness I could get while sleeping off and on.

For me that meant watching QVC and wondering if all the clothes on there are technically "old ladie's clothes" or could I pull them off?

Andy got back to the hospital around 8 and we snoozed on the bed together since they pushed my surgery to 10:00.  Finally they took me back to surgery, at this point I'm trying not to freak out at the thought of being naked and unconscious while holes are being poked in my body.  I went into the surgery room, they put the mask on my face and I thought to myself "I wonder how long this stuff takes to....." Snooze.

[Ooh, liquid diet. Yum.]

Woke up in recovery.  Basically a giant room with people lining the walls in various states of waking up.  Awkward.  My nurse was nice and I complained about being hungry enough that she gave me an orange popsicle.  The kind with TWO popsicles connected.  Heck yeah.  She wouldn't let me leave until I said the pain was fine so I sucked it up so I could be out of there and back with my love.

So in the end, I was ok.  It was scary and surreal.  I'm now missing a part of my body that isn't one of my teeth.  I've survived my first surgery and non-pregnancy related hospital stay.

I spent a long day on pain meds, begging for food and water, having engorged boobs and laying in a hospital bed with my husband having a marathon Ridiculousness marathon.  

I was lucky that they were able to do it lapriscopically, with a little camera, so I have two holes in my stomach and not an incision.  One on the left side of my stomach and one down in my belly button?!  That one creeps me out a little bit.

I came home to my four beautiful children, sore but relieved.

A clean house courtesy of my Stepmom and sister.  Kids happy and fed thanks to a great friend.

Andy cooked me a salmon dinner.  I ate and hugged my kids and I was thankful. 

Just when I thought 2012 could surprise me no more, I was wrong. ;)

[My Welcome Home committee! So happy to see these little faces.]

The end is near. End of 2012 that is. [Blueberry Velvet Cake]

I can't believe Christmas is in 15 days.

I can't believe this year is almost over.  It has been a crazy, exciting, growing, hard and wonderful year all at once.  We got pregnant with our 4th child.  We took a 3 week long road trip to the Pacific Northwest.  We moved across the ocean to Hawaii, again.  We almost broke up.  But we didn't.

We had our 4th child.  We grew stronger.  The kids grew older.  We grew up a little more.

We continued homeschooling.  We fell in love all over again. We moved for the 6th time since we've been married.  We celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary.  I turned 28.  I let go of the past.  

I struggled to be the woman I want my daughters to be proud of.  I tried to learn patience.

I gave up on always being in control.  I baked, A LOT.  I prayed. 

 I missed old friends & made new ones.  

I laughed.  I laid on the beach while the kids played in the sand.  I hiked on a cliff overlooking the ocean.  I watched my children sleep.  I spent way too much money on Target & Starbucks.  I voted.

I stressed about everything.  I saw babies being born.  I had my first home birth.  I took pictures.

I wrapped presents.  I kissed my kids.  I forgave. 

[Gutierrez Family Christmas Card!  I'm pretty excited about it if you couldn't tell.]

This has been an exhausting, amazing year.  Parts of it I never thought I would make it through and I'm still amazed to see myself standing sometimes.  I know they say as you get older the faster time goes and I definitely get that now.  I can't believe it's been almost a year since we've been back in Hawaii.

Our house is finally starting to feel like our home, we've added another beautiful member to our family, I've gotten to experience things I never though I would.  Both good and bad.  Life is constantly changing and as much as that scares me sometimes I am just in awe. 

Where will we be a year from now?  What will God choose for us to do?  Will we listen?

I am constantly amazed by this journey of life and how it is always changing.
 I'm ready to live this life to the fullest and I can't wait to see what 2013 brings for us.  

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you.

Plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Now for the recipe!

This would be an awesome New Year's Eve cake.  It's just so pretty and definitely good for a special occasion.  I made it just cause I wanted to and ended up slowly eating the whole cake piece by piece because the kids refused to eat anything with actual fruit in it.  

And I wonder why I'm gaining weight?  Anyways......

Try it!  It's delicious and worth the work.

I didn't adapt this recipe at all and all of a sudden I'm dead tired.....

possibly cause it's 1 o'clock in the morning?  Eh. 

So, here is a link to this wonderful cake!  Enjoy.

http://www.iheartchocolatemilk.com/2012/06/07/blueberry-velvet-cake-with-cream-cheese-frosting/

thankfultwenty. [Slow Cooker Beef&&Broccoli]

Nicole's Official Thankful 20.
It's the small things. :)

[Thankful for this crazy kid!] 

1.  Going pee BY MYSELF.  If this ever happens it's a miracle, a joyous miracle. A shower is even more awesome.

2.  When the Wii remotes actually have batteries.  This is a rare and elusive thing.  If they don't have working batteries I then try to rotate the same 6 batteries hoping some combo of 2 will magically work.

3.  Free stuff.  Anything free makes me pretty happy.  Things to do with the kids, free food, free baby-sitting.  I'll take it all.  And the best?  Free coffee of course.

4.  When you get a really good lock screen/wallpaper combo on your cellphone.  Yeah, that makes me happier than it probably should.

5.  Unsolicited advice.  I really love when a stranger tells me something I don't want to hear or care their opinion about.  Oh, the baby's too old to breastfeed?  You don't think my carrier is safe?  Actually that was a joke.  Please leave me alone.

6. Mom time.  I am so grateful to have such an awesome husband that is always encouraging me to take a little time for myself.  Trips to Target, coffee with a friend, a nap.  All awesome.  I love him so much for that.

7. The "ignore" button on my cell phone.  It's not that I'm trying to ignore you, I swear, I mean I acknowledged that you're calling me by hitting ignore. Right? ;)

8. Pacifiers!  Tulip is a pacifier baby, just like her big sister Lily.  Those little inventions have saved many a Mom [&Dad] hours of crying.

9. E-mail.  That way if I have something I need to say to you that's too formal to text but I'm really avoiding having to talk to you about than I can e-mail you!  Problem solved.

10.  Potlucks.  Cook one thing and you magically have a whole meal with lots of options!  Hopefully some of them are semi-decent.

[Thankful for my new Kitchen-Aid!  Thank you Mama!]

11. Coastal.com.  Free glasses?  Yes, please!  Without them I would be rocking 3 year old glasses with a super weak prescription or ripped contacts that I'm sure would be eating my eyes alive.
If you want a pair just use the code: FIRSTPAIRFREE  Your welcome!

12. Bobby pins.  Without them I would probably cut my bangs off in a fit of rage one day.

13. Group texts.  When I can't be with my best friends I can at least harass both of them via text about watching Magic Mike at noon on a Tuesday.

14. Airplanes.  Without them I would never get to see my extended family.  At least not without an 8 day boat ride.

15.  Pinterest.  I'm sorry I love it so much, I just do.  I have a rad shirt that says, "Keep Calm and Pin Something" I'm that cool.

16. Tom Hardy.  Especially in Lawless when he's wearing a cardigan.  Yeah, pretty much.

17. That I'm not in The Walking Dead and I don't have to listen to Andrea & Dale every minute of the day.  Two most annoying people EVER.  I hope the walkers get you!

18. Magic erasers.  Otherwise my kid's wouldn't get to use the walls as their own personal coloring pages.  Oh, there not supposed to do that?  Could have fooled me.

19. Cloth diapers. Thank you for saving us ridiculous amounts of money every month & covering cute butts in the process.

20. Breaking Dawn Part II.  Not because it was so good but because I can finally stop making Andy take me to see them and we can do something different for our anniversary than watch the world's most ridiculous love triangle made square.

I know this was supposed to be a Thanksgiving thing but I've been kind of grumpy lately.  Shit has been going wrong, life has been frustrating and hard but I need to remind myself there is SO much to be thankful for.  The big & the little.  Thank you God for it all. <3

And now I leave you with this tasty recipe for.....

Slow Cooker Beef & Broccoli 

1 cup Beef Broth

2 tbs. Sesame Oil

3 cloves garlic, chopped

1 lb. sirloin, cut into strips

1 16. oz. package Broccoli Florets

1/3 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup Soy Sauce

2 tbs. Corn Starch

White Rice for Serving

[1] In a bowl whisk together beef broth and cornstarch.  Pour into slow cooker.

[2] Add sesame oil, garlic, brown sugar & soy sauce to slow cooker.  Mix well.

[3] Add in sirloin.  Cover and cook on high 6 hours or low 8 hours.

[4] Add broccoli florets, mix and cook an additional 30-40 minutes depending 

on how done you like your broccoli! 

[5] Serve over steamed rice! 

Learning Curve [Brownie Dipped Oreos]

[I'll lead with this.  Hopefully her cuteness will naturally make you like this blog.]
Our Tulip Bea, 7 weeks. <3

10 Things I've learned in the 10 years since I've been 28.

1.  Don't hit.  Violence is not the answer. I tell my kids this ALL THE TIME now.  Especially Jonas & Oliver.  These two know how to throw down.  What I thought was harmless rough housing then or cute playful fun I think might have really been pissing people off.  Especially Andy.
 Sorry babe, I've learned, I promise!

2. Believe me, one day coffee will taste good.  Really good.  At 18 I could never understand how people could like coffee, it's so bitter, gross!  10 years later all the Starbucks baristas in a 5 mile vicinity know my order.  I was such a fool.

3. Never say never.  My rebel 18 year old self was all like "I'll never get married or have kids, that's not who I am."  Obviously I was wrong.  While it has taken me many years to prove my skepticism of marriage wrong I have never felt so right doing anything than I do being a wife to my husband and mother to my four beautiful children. 

4. It's ok to say sorry.  When I was 18 saying sorry was a killer.  I physically could not do it.  I hated/still hate being wrong.  But at least now I know to admit it when I am.

5. You have more money than you think.  This applies to my 4-job working teenage self.  I would get up to help Andy deliver papers at 2 in the morning, get home and go open Jamba Juice, head to either Old Tyme Burrito [r.i.p.] or Mrs. Fields Cookies and close them.  I stretched myself even thinner with school and without knowing how to budget in the slightest still didn't have enough money.  

Oh disposable income, where did you go?

Now I know how to run a family of 6 off a shoestring budget and I enjoy it.  We take pride in spending money we have earned and we don't throw it around lightly.  We feed our family good homemade food,  do things with our children every week and even get to treat ourselves every now and then off of one budget without much stress because of it.  28 year old self now realizes 18 year old self didn't really NEED that $50 pair of bell bottoms from Wet Seal.  Sigh.

6. It really is bad to run the dryer to just make one piece of clothing unwrinkled.

Seriously, do you know how much that costs?!  Use an iron!

7. I am beautiful.  It has only taken me having children to realize what a gift from God my body is.  The hatred I have had for my body is taken away when I realize how strong and awesome it is through the act of pregnancy and giving birth.  Even cooler, the ability to my nourish my children in the best way possible through breastfeeding. <3  I still fight this battle tho and some days are better than others, I try to remind myself that I am fearfully & wonderfully made. 

8. High school doesn't matter.  People would tell me this and I couldn't believe that anything would be more important than those four years of people making you feel bad about yourself.  And even more revolutionary?  What other people think DOES NOT matter.  

9.  Believe.  I know it is a process but all those years I lived not knowing God makes me sad for the girl I was then. It is still a constant struggle for me to KNOW God is with me, to believe it, to understand his love is not an easy thing especially for someone that hasn't always loved themself.  I couldn't force my 18 year old self to believe then the same way that I can't do it now.  But my faith grows stronger as I grow older and I pray it continues to do so.

10. Let it go.

You can hold on to every horrible thing someone in this world has done to you.  And it can eat you up, make you bitter and cold and suck the life out of you.  Or, you can let it go.  Understand that you have made mistakes too.  Hope the other person is sorry but even if they aren't, let it go.  

It's only hurting you. And if you see them on the street and want to punch them SO bad in their face, refer to #1.

And now!  For the food!
In these past 10 years I have also learned how to eat better.  I no longer think McDonalds, Sabarro pizza & mall Chinese food are a good combo. But, sometimes I just like something bad for me.
Oh well.

Brownie Dipped Oreos

1 Box Brownie Mix
1 package of Oreos
Sprinkles [Optional]

1.  Prepare brownie mix according to the box.
2. Dip Oreos in batter making sure to coat thoroughly.
3. Drop Oreoes into a greased cupcake pan.
4. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.

*This recipe makes 12-16 Oreos depending on what size mix you get.  My family-sized box made 16.
*Also, sorry to leave you with a lame-ish recipe but I'm tired. 

Mommy needs a beer. For....Cheddar Beer Bread!

Ahh.....the lovely 6 weeks post partum mark.

When all of reality comes back to kick you in the neck and ask you,

"Why would you think another child is a good idea??!"

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my baby girl.  She is all that is good about babies, chunky, sweet, sleeps a lot, little dimpled smiles.  Sigh.  But oh yeah, the other three.

I am starting to feel delirious.  I thought before was bad.  Three kids and 8 months pregnant was chill!

Another diaper to change, another person to cloth before we leave the house.  Another person to please, and this little person is only pleased by one thing!  Boobies.  Which happen to be attached to me and make it near impossible to get anything else done.

[My idea of a good time!]

This isn't really supposed to be one of those pity me blogs, cause it's not.  I don't pity myself and in general I love my life, there's not much to pity.  I get to be with my kids all day, I get to go to school, drink Starbucks, go shopping at Target, eat dinner with my husband every night. I mean honestly I don't need much to be happy.  Or maybe it's the opposite?  

I don't need much, but I do need it to be my way.......

Anyways!  Life is hard right now, I'm not going to lie.  I feel like sometimes my blogs are TOO happy?

If that's a thing?  Or maybe that they're a little misleading.  You didn't REALLY think I had all my shit together did you?  Ha, I'm such a great illusionist.

I've also started following a bunch of people on Instagram that I don't know.  This might seem irrelevant but it's going somewhere, I promise.  I see all these beautiful Moms with platinum hair and red lips making their kids homemade bone broth and fresh squeezed orange juice popsicles [wtf?!] for lunch and it makes me feel grossly inadequate.  I know I shouldn't compare myself, and for a long time I was doing good on that one but lately I have just been feeling like I'm not enough.

[I did vote tho!  So that counts for something right? :]

I'm not a good enough Mother, I can't keep all four of my children quiet for an hour and a half church service while my husband plays music and I try to get someone to hold the babies while I go up and play drums.

I'm not a good enough Wife, I complain.  I nag.
I do things over because he didn't do them the way I would have.

I'm not a good enough friend, if you text me with a 911 message I might text you back.  Next week.

I'm not a good enough student, I do every assignment an hour before it's due so as I'm doing it there's an awesome red countdown system that makes me feel like I'm also going to pass out from anxiety.

I'm not patient enough.  I'm not soft enough.
I'm not ladylike enough.  I'm not thin enough.

I'm not crunchy enough.

The list could go on, but do I want it to?  

I need to come to understand that no, I will never be enough.  I will never be a perfect version of all those things because I will never be a perfect person.  But luckily I don't need to be.

My identity, although I'm working on it, should first and foremost be in God.  Which is why I think I've been thinking so much about how I'm not enough.  I have definitely not been faithful enough,  I haven't been praying enough, tithing enough, trying enough.

It is so easy to let God go, to fall from his grasp and to turn myself to the daily buzz of life.  Such a hard routine to get into, thinking about him everyday, praying, listening, making him a priority when my day feels like it can't possibly hold anymore. 

 I can feel myself slipping away, getting weaker, so I know what I need to do to not let this world get to me the way it has before and it's never too late to start again.

Luckily my God forgives and to Him I will always be enough.

And now of course, the food!
Made this Cheddar Beer Bread for Tulip's Baptism and it was a hit!
I love the edges where the cheese & butter meet and make delicious crispy heaven.  Yum.

Cheddar Beer Bread

3 cups AP Flour
2 tbs. Sugar
I tbs. Baking Powder
1 tsp. Salt
2 tbs. Honey
1 cup shredded Cheddar
1-12 oz. Bottle of Beer [I used Samuel Adams Pumpkin Harvest]
4-8 tbs. Butter [1/2-Whole Stick], melted.
*This depends on how buttery you want it, I used a whole stick and it was crazy good but REALLY buttery, I probably would do a half stick next time.

[1] In a stand mixer blend together all the dry ingredients.
[2] Using the dough hook add in your beer and honey and knead for 5 minutes or so. Add cheese and knead 1 more minute.
[3] Using a pastry brush pour half your melted butter into a loaf pan.  Make sure pan is completely greased.
[4] Pour dough into loaf pan & drizzle the rest of the butter on top.
[5] Bake for an hour at 350 degrees.