The past few weeks or so I've been noticing how bad I've been doing saying my prayers, writing in my journal, reading my Bible, etc. These things don't come naturally to me and when given 15 minutes of down time it's easier for me to Pin 15 things on Pinterest than it is to get into my Bible.
It's not something I'm proud of but it is something I'm aware of. I consider myself a Christian with Catholic leanings. I was baptized as a baby in the Catholic church and then again in the Currituck Sound in North Carolina as a Baptist at the age of about 9.
My journey with God has been a long and winding one. Times where I have strayed FAR off the path, never really admitting it was a problem at all. Being off the beaten path is just cool right?
I have gone to Sunday School, I teach Sunday School now. I have stared in awkwardness as people speak in tongues and lay prostate on the ground. I have had priests & minister's wives tell me I am a child of God, that I AM beautiful in his eyes, and at times those are the exact words I needed to hear.
I have praised his name and I have denied it.
But finally, at this point in my life, I choose not to be ashamed anymore. It still might not flow out of me easily. It's easier for me to talk about being a mother or wife than it is about being a Christian. Maybe because I'm such an imperfect example? But aren't we all? I just know I have gone months without the thought of God in my head. Without a prayer on my lips and felt completely comfortable in this. Sure, I felt alone, but I just thought that was the world and how I was meant to live.
Now. Now I crave Him. His word, his praise. Sure, I still sometimes think of God as an afterthought as something I will "get around to" after I've done all the cleaning, texting & kid-rearing of the day. But I know now that I want to change. I want to wake up and think of His purpose for me for the day. I want to go to sleep dreaming dreams of Him. While this might be a noble idea I know it's one that won't come without me putting in the work, without acknowledging that without Him I am nothing. I can do nothing. The people of this world have failed me time and time again just as I fail those I love.
But knowing that God's love never fails is an amazing thing.
Even more amazing is that I believe it.
So while it's easy for me to find my identity in the labels of this world: mother, wife, student, daughter, sister, friend, baker, blogger, doula, drummer. I know that my identity is in Him. Not in the label of Christian, because by this world's and God's standard it's something I will never live up to. Like any mother knows there's always someone willing to point out your flaws, where you've messed up, why they're a better mother than you, the same works for the label Christian and I know I'm wrong.
I know I will never be enough for this world. Just enough for God. Just part of my dark but loveliness. <3
My personal goal for this week: I have a prayer journal that I started in December when I desperately needed it. It is the first journal that I have even come close to finishing and actually kept track of. I have about 15-20 blank pages left and probably haven't written in it in about 2 weeks. So I am determined to finish it up, there is a lot of stuff in there that I don't want to remember but I am ready to move on. To forgive and let go. For the next chapter in my book.
Plus who doesn't love a nice shiny new journal? ;)
Now.....FOOD!
I made this enchilada sauce the other night for Zucchini Black Bean Goat Cheese enchiladas.
I was thinking they would taste weird and not Mexican-y enough for me but I was wrong!
This sauce is good, with a little heat and would be great for any kind of enchiladas. Especially since I tried in vain to get like, 5 different people to send me the Trader Joe's bottled enchilada sauce, with no luck. I guess this stuff will have to do! Next time I'll probably make a double batch so I can just freeze it. I want to say Adios Mother Fuckers here, but I know that will probably negate the previous part of my blog, but old habits die hard. Ay yi yi.
Jalapeno Enchilada Sauce
2 cans Organic Tomato Sauce
4-6 pickled Jalapeno slices [could omit if you don't want any heat at all]
1/3 cup Chicken Stock
1 tsp. Cumin
1/2 tsp. dried thyme
1/2 tsp. dried oregano
1 small handful Cilantro leaves
Salt & Pepper to taste
1/3 cup Greek Yogurt
1 small onion sliced
1 clove of garlic
[1] Dump all your ingredients into a food processor or blender.
[2] Blend until everything is smooth and incorporated.
[3] Pour into a medium saucepan and heat on low-medium for about 10-15 minutes.
[4] Taste! Adjust to your liking.
Really simple and great for us folks that can't get good Mexican food.
Hmph.
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