Whirlwind Woman [Happy Birthday Oreo Cake Batter Blondies!]

So, lately life has been a whirlwind.  I'm sure most people understand that.  Not enough time for anything, or just a little time for everything and nothing finished.  Kind of like how I clean the house, as I walk from room to room I stop and fold some laundry here, pick up some trash there, throw some toys in a bin over here.....the end result is nothing really being done.

But for now, I'm okay with that.  We recently decided as a family that I will be continuing my college education for oh, 6 more years or so.  The decision was daunting and it required a lot for me to realize that I will not, cannot be the Mom that does everything.  Taking a full college load, being a mother of 4 young children, working part-time in addition to being a wife, friend, and very sporadic blogger means I cannot do it all.  And on the worst days I can't do any of it.

I'm trying my best for now, to relax about it.  I have come to understand that my anxieties are not just my own but a burden on my family and also in direct relation to my trust in God.  If He has set me on this path I must trust that each day will take care of itself.  My laundry may never be completely done, my kid's might have unbrushed hair and unorganized rooms but ours hearts will be full.

So for now, while school takes priority over mopped floors and alphabetized blu-rays [yes, I do that.] I will do what I can.  And what I can do is make this awesome dessert in under 5 minutes.  Super easy. not healthy in the slightest, and my kid's loved them.  Hopefully when I've finished my Masters I'll look back at this time in our lives and be joyful about the things I let go.

Happy Birthday Oreo Cake Batter Blondies

• 1 box Yellow Cake Mix
• 15 Golden Happy Birthday Oreos, chopped. 
• 1/4 cup coconut oil
• 1/2 cup sprinkles
• 1/3 cup milk 
• 1 egg

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease an 11x7 pan.
2. Combine cake mix, coconut oil, egg and sprinkles.
3. Slowly add milk and stir together, batter will be thick!  This is good. :)
4. Once combined fold in 3/4 of your chopped Oreos and 3/4 of your sprinkles.
5. Pour into the greased pan and sprinkle reserved Oreos and sprinkles on top.
6. Bake for 28 minutes until edges are slightly brown.
7. Remove from oven and let cool completely so blondies can set.
8. Enjoy! 

The Vegan Challenge [Vegan Bluberry Muffins]

[Aloha home!  Until we meet again. <3]

Ok, I admit it.
 I feel a little bit better.  

We're on day three of our experimental vegan cleanse and I feel slightly better.

A little healthier maybe but my face is breaking out more?  Unrelated maybe, but still.

I read somewhere that a vegan diet for two weeks is a good cleanse for your body and after almost three weeks in California and eating a lot more Mexican food than usual I felt all gross and thought coming back home would be a good time to try it.  

We had no food at home because we got rid of almost everything before we left for California.  

We had ketchup and chocolate almond milk in the fridge pretty much.

So the day we got back from California, yes the same day, like after a 6 hour long flight with 4 young kids, I went grocery shopping.  Not a cool move, I felt like dying when we got home but anyways I got all the stuff we needed to start our Vegan diet thing and we began!  I know some Vegans, I know lots of people who have been Vegan at some point in their life and I am amazed by you.  I can't handle it, it makes me want to cry everyday thinking of all the eggs and cheese and crispy prosciutto I could have eaten.  But we're doing ok.  We're on day three and it has been hard everyday!  Haha.  I have no idea what to cook and beans are not in my repertoire.

 [A stop in Santa Cruz, the swings are just so pretty!]

My cousin texted me that she was going to go Vegan for a week too so we could text each other about how hard it is.  She's already a vegetarian so I think it's a head start, but still.  So here we go!  Looking forward to seeing how I feel on day 7.  We decided to go just one week instead of two because we're lazy and miss good food.  For me it's also a test of willpower.  I don't have any.  If I want something I figure out a way to get it but I wanted to test myself to see if I would actually do what I said I'm going to do.  I say random things I'm going to do all the time like: I'm going to join a roller derby team!  I'll take the bus.  I'm just going to Target for a couple things!  But then I never do those things, so I'm kind of forcing myself to do something I say I'm going to do.

[Sunflowers in Avila Beach!]

So here they are, Vegan Blueberry Muffins.  They taste good I'm just kind of weirded out about the avocado in them, hot or cold I couldn't really taste it so.....yum!  Try them out!

Vegan Blueberry Muffins

[adapted from www.averiecooks.com]

Flesh from 1 very ripe medium Hass Avocado, mashed well.  About 3/4 cup.

3/4 cup granulated sugar

1/4 cup brown sugar, packed.

1/3 cup Coconut Oil

1/3 cup Blueberry Coconut Yogurt

2 tsp. Vanilla extract

3/4 tsp. Cinnamon

3/4 tsp. Nutmeg

1 cup AP Flour

1 tsb. Baking Powder

1 cup fresh Blueberries, tossed in 2 tsb. Flour.

1.  Preheat an oven to 400 degrees F and line 16 muffin tins with liners.

2.  In a large bowl mash the avocado, the softer the better.  

3.  Stir in the oil, sugars, yogurt, cinnamon, vanilla and nutmeg until all combined.

4.  Fold in flour and baking powder until just mixed.  Do not overmix.

5.  Fold in berries tossed in fruit and divide batter evenly in lined pan.

6.  Bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes, lower to 350 degrees and bake an additional 20 minutes.

Veg on. 

My 10 Happy Things. [Zucchini & Quinoa Stuffed Portabellos]

My 10 Things.

I love......[in no particular order.]

1.  My new home, for how much of a pain in the ass this move has become, no matter how much I bitch and complain about the process, what we still have to do, etc. I am SO excited to be in a bigger house and looking forward to all the memories we will be making here.

2.  Babywearing.  Something about it just makes me feel like a skilled parent, even tho I'm not the best at it.  The wraps are so pretty, Tulip loves it and I can get shit done.  Enough said.

3.  My husband.  Obviously this guy has to make the list, he is such an amazing Father and loving husband.  God knew what he was doing when I met this crazy kid.

4.  Workaholics.  It's just a good show.  I mean come on, have you seen the Ninja Turtles episode?!

5.  Leggings.  They're so comfy.  I know you're not supposed to wear them like pants but sometimes I do.  I mean a longer t-shirt, but still.  I know. 

6.  My kids.  My sweet flower girls.  My crazy boys.  These four little people have helped me grow so much, I am forever grateful for their love and patience with me everyday. 

7.  My church.  Be it small but mighty.  It's easy to be discouraged about the things you're not doing, but I'm hoping to remember the things we are.  

8.  Tattoos.  They're just so pretty. 

9.  The beach.  I love the beach so much more now, the smell of the ocean, the color of the water, sand in my toes and usually happy kids all around.  A day at the beach is always a good day.  Unless you get rained out with a newborn and than a homeless guy starts a fire in the rocks and runs away and fire men come and think it was your husband that started the fire.  Than it's just an ok day. 

10.  My new blog designer, Miss Tobie!  Be on the look out!  This space will be looking rad someday soon-ish.  But for now I'll keep working on my writing and getting yummy recipes out!  

Zucchini & Quinoa Stuffed Portabellos

1 lb. grass-fed ground beef

2 tbs. olive oil

5 Portabello Mushrooms

1 medium zucchini, diced

1 cup cooked quinoa

4 slices good cheese, optional

Salt

Pepper

1.  In a large skillet brown the ground beef with the olive oil. Season to taste with salt & pepper.

2.  Once meat is browned add the diced zucchini.

3.  Cook for 5 minutes and than stir in the quinoa, season again with salt & pepper.

4.  Scrape out the gills, the brown inside, of the mushrooms with a spoon.  

5.  Arrange cleaned mushrooms on a baking sheet.  Drizzle olive oil inside each cap, season with salt & pepper.

6. Fill each cap with a scoop of the beef mixture, dividing it equally between the 5 caps.

7.  Bake at 400 degreed for 10 minutes, top with cheese or panko crumbs if desired and bake an additional 5 minutes.

To make vegetarian/vegan:  Replace the ground beed with tofu or more veggies.

I'm also trying to figure out how to work Blogger a little better, especially in the aspect of adding pictures and the stories they tell.  I LOVE taking pictures, all the time, anytime, of anything and I really want to be able to go back through my blog one day and see the pictures and remember this time in our lives just because I know it moves so fast.  I'm trying to figure out the easiest way to do it but for now, they're here.  Pictures top to bottom: 

1.  Lily reading her new Junie B. Jones book under a slide at the park the other day.  She got the book from the tooth fairy the other day and is starting to love reading.  That makes me incredibly happy!

2.  A typical day for me.  I was on my second Nutella iced coffee of the day, taking a break from baking a Chocolate Banana Bundt Cake with a little munchkin tugging on me.  I'm pretty happy. 

3.  Oliver the Grouch.  Just look at it, you know. 

I've got a restless heart. [Hawaiian Granola]

I've always been a bit of a nomad.  I grew up as a Navy brat moving from the West to the East coast and later when my parents divorced traveling that same distance to see one or the other.  As my Dad was stationed different places I would visit him in Guam or San Diego.  When Andy and I started dating the restlessness continued, I never imagined myself being the kind of girl you could "tie down."

After dating for a year we moved down the coast of California to be with his family and after another move back to Stockton we got married and moved yet again to Hawaii.  Since that time we have moved homes countless times, gone to the mainland and back and never stayed in a house much longer than two years.  Even the one we bought.  Errr. I have lived in 4 states, a U.S. territory, and over 15 cities. I wanted to get restless tattooed on my knuckles, it's that bad.

But sometimes the restlessness makes me nervous.  Am I destined to be one of those people who isn't happy no matter where they are?  Or am I the type of person that's thankful to be where they are.  I hope I'm the latter.  I love Hawaii, this time around, I've made it a point to be thankful for the things I do have.  A beautiful ocean, lush palm trees, no rent to pay in a crazy expensive place.  And when the parts that make me sad creep in, like the fact that we couldn't afford to leave this place even if we wanted to, family is always at least a 5 hour plane ride away, and there's no In-N-Out, Chipotle OR Trader Joe's.   I force myself to look again at the good, because I know there is so much and I am so blessed.

Whether I am here, there, or anywhere if I'm with my family and if I'm in God's will it doesn't really matter anyways.  And if God wants to cure my itchy feet and Hawaii is where we're meant to stay I will be ok with that.  Or if he wants to give us that push to the next place we're supposed to be I'll be ok with that too.

I'm tired of being restless.  I want to be rested and refreshed.
Where you go I'll go, where you stay I'll stay, God I'll follow you alone.

 [The Swap!  Look at that awesome teepee!]

But right now I'm in Hawaii!  And I made granola for a local Peaceful Parenting Network swap I just went to which was awesome.  All us Mamas got together with whatever we had to get rid of and swapped, haggled and gifted all of our kids stuff for other people's kid's stuff.  It was pretty awesome and a great way to save money, get some new to us stuff and just hang out. 
I made this granola as an extra bargaining chip and it turned out great!  Definitely easy to adapt to your likes or allergies, add more honey if you like it sweeter, dried fruit or even chocolate chips at the end!

Happy Hula-Gan Hawaiian Granola

4 cups oats

1 cup rough chopped Macadamia Nuts

1/2 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup honey, preferably local

1/2 cup Chia seeds

1/2 cup Hemp Seeds

1/2 cup uncooked Quinoa

1/2 cup unsweetened shaved coconut

1/2 cup Coconut Oil + 2 tbs. for Greasing Pan

1.  In a large mixing bowl toss together all ingredients until everything is well coated with the oil.

2.  Grease a baking sheet with more coconut oil and pour the mixture on top.

3.  Bake in a 325 degree oven for 15 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes until granola looks toasty!

4.  Let cool and store in an airtight container for up to 2 weeks.

This granola is great on yogurt, as a snack, with milk or whatever!

Look who's back? [Mango Coconut Chia Pudding]

So, as you may have noticed the blog hasn't changed much.  None at all actually.
I had great high hopes of finding some awesome computer genius that could re-vamp my blog for me and I would come back to it with refreshed dreams and high hopes of being a "real" blogger.
But, that failed.  And I'm learning to be ok with that.

I missed blogging, but I didn't know if I would come back to it.  Sure, I liked it.  I love writing and trying new recipes, sharing them with friends and maybe even getting a little feedback but the part that made me want to stay away was the thought in my head that I just wasn't good enough.

I can't sew.

I can't take professional looking pictures.

I can't write that well.

I can't draw crappy comic strips to go along with hilarious stories.

I'm not a baby wearing, cloth diapering, all things crunchy guru.

I'm not the best at anything really and that fact was really starting to bum me out.  It's not good to compare yourself all the time because most of the time you're going to end up feeling pretty mediocre.

I try my best as a Mother but I'm not the gentlest or most patient and I never will be.  I apologize to my children daily.  I'm not the best homeschooler.  The best baker or cook or sister or friend.  I'm not the best blogger with the hippest looking blog and sponsors, I don't even know how to make a link?  Make a link, is that a thing?  And I'm an even worse wife when I compare myself to others.  I don't leave my husband love post-its on the fridge everyday.  I usually have a messy house and I struggle with letting my husband be the head of our household when sometimes I think things should be done a different way, sorry about that babe.

But I'm learning to take a step back.  What good does it do us to compare ourselves to others?  What do we get out of it except for a bruised ego and the feeling of not being enough.  What does that teach my children?  That they should never try for fear that they may never be the best?

And oh, is that ever true.  If you're constantly comparing yourself to someone else you'll never measure up.  And if I truly believe that this world is but a vapor there's really no use in comparing anyways.

I shouldn't try and measure myself with this world's measuring stick when God doesn't require that of me.  The knowledge I have through him is worth far more than any recognition, fame or money I can make in this life and that the Mother & Wife I want to be through God may not be the one the World thinks is the best.  I want to take pride in my accomplishments, at how far I have come and not look even further ahead to that woman I envy who seems to have it all together.  Who knows who she's comparing herself to?  And maybe the secret to her success is that she's not. 

Once I stop comparing myself, I might just give myself a little credit. 

Came across this recipe the other day and was pretty stoked.  I bought a Costco sized bag of Chia seeds and have been searching for ways to use them.  This "pudding" sounded delicious since it's Mango season here and the island is starting to heat up!

No dairy.  No soy.  No gluten. Vegan.

Could also easily be made nut free by replacing the almond milk with rice milk.

Also, try different variations!  I think next time Ill make this with chocolate almond milk, almonds & blueberries.  Yum.

Happy eating!

Mango Coconut Chia Pudding

1/2 cup Unsweetened Almond Milk

1/2 cup Lite Coconut Milk [the kind in the can]

4 tbs. Chia Seeds

2 tbs. Sweetened Shredded Coconut

1 mango, cut into cubes

2 tbs. Honey

1.  In a bowl whisk together both milks, honey and chia seeds.

2.  Stir in mango and coconut until throughly combined.

3.  Cover and refrigerate over night!

4.  Feel free to top with more fruit, honey, granola or whatever sounds good!  I put hemp seeds on top of mine for even more nutritional value.

Enjoy! 

Under Construction! [Slow Cooker Zupa Toscana Soup!]

Blog closed until further notice.
Hopefully a few weeks.
But, while it's under construction here's a recipe.

 

I haven't used my crock pot in awhile and when I don't I always come back to it newly amazed by it's handiness.  It's not really soup weather here anymore, not that it ever really is but I had two bunches of kale from the Farmer's Market.  I put the Dino Kale in my Quinoa Stuffed Sweet Potatoes and the curly kale I used to make this soup. 

Easy, kinda healthy?  Not really but it's still nice to say....

Soup's on!


Slow Cooker Zupa Toscana Soup

1 medium Yellow Onion, chopped
8 oz. Pancetta, diced
3 cloves garlic, diced
3 medium Russet Potatoes
1 carton vegetable or chicken stock
1 lb. Italian Chicken Sausage, mild
1 bunch Curly Kale
1 cup heavy cream
Olive OIl
Salt
Pepper
Parmesan [Optional]

1.  Coat a large saute pan with olive oil, cook pancetta until crispy. 
When it's done pour the pancetta and drippings into your crock pot.

2.  In same pan cook sausage, crumbling with a wooden spoon as it cooks.
Drain excess fat and add sausage to crock pot

3.  Cook onion in the same pan over medium heat until translucent, add garlic, salt and pepper and cook another minute.  Pour all of this into your crock pot.

3.  Cut your potatoes in half and then 1/4 inch slices. Add to crock pot.

4. Add stock and water.  Season with salt and pepper.

5.  Cook on low 6-7 hours, about 20 minutes before it's done chop one bunch of kale, removing stems, and add to crock pot.

6. Add heavy cream, stir, taste.  Add salt and pepper if needed.

7.  Top with freshly grated Parmesan!

[Sunset at Hickam Dog Beach.]
3.4.13

My Love Life Play List & Gluten Free Black Bean Brownies

Music has always been a huge part of my life.  

When I was in the 3rd grade I wrote a paper about how awesome it would be to meet Ace of Base. 

I used to create my own dance moves to whatever CDs my Dad had, usually a nice combo of Mariah Carey, Boston and Steven Curtis Chapman.  I
I'm married to a man that is a walking musical instrument.

I can memorize lyrics pretty easily and then I never forget them.

I just rapped all of Big Willy Style the other day when it came on the radio.  Be jealous.

So, last week when my teacher asked us to present a music video with a song that described a part of our love life I was pretty excited.  But it was SO hard to choose.  I chose a song for class and kept thinking of all the other ones that I really wanted to pick instead.  And now I present you with.....

Nicole's Love Life Play List

[enjoy.]

1.  Take My Breath Away- Berlin 

This is actually the first song Andy and I ever slow danced to.  I had the Top Gun record, yes record, we played it in my garage and danced away.  Aww.

2.  Soco Amaretto Lime- Brand New

Classic young love song.  About escaping your home town and falling in love.

3.  Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional

Thinking about this stuff now is making me feel like high school was over a decade ago.....which I guess it is. 

4. Teenage Love Affair- Alicia Keys

It's pretty amazing to fall in love as teenagers and be able to grow up together.  Not that it's always easy but the love I have for my husband now is a thousand times more than what we had as kids.

5. Only in Dreams- Weezer

We named our first son Jonas after a Weezer song, we're music nerds so definitely gotta have one of our first favorites.  This was almost our wedding song until we decided it was too long to dance in front of a bunch of people to.

6.  Under the Streelights- Alkaline TrioThere are just parts of your life that you have certain CDs that were your soundtrack.  This reminds me of going to watch Andy's band play at house shows in high school. 

7. I'll Catch You- The Get Up Kids

This was our wedding song.  A sweet song and fitting for two 20 year olds that got engaged and then married in three months.

8. I Never- Rilo Kiley
Just one of those, I'll never be loved but than you came along type songs.  Rilo Kiley in general is awesome. 

9. Right Thru Me- Nikki Minaj

This song just reminds me so much of me.  I've never been a very open person and it took awhile for me to believe that someone could love me just as I was.

10. Cemetery- Say Anything

Just a beautiful song.   My husband has saved me many times.  I love him so. 

11. Bless This Mess- David Bazan

Such a sad but true song.  My side tattoo is based off of this song.  I kind of think we're all messes.  God bless us.

12. How He Loves- David Crowder Band

It took me a long time but I finally understand REAL love.  Not from any man, as much as I love my husband, but perfect love that we can only get from God.

13.  I Will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab for Cutie

Kinda morbid but I can't help but have a slight panic attack thinking about one of us dying.  This was the last concert we went to when I was 8 months pregnant with Tulip.

14. I Will Wait- Mumford and Sons

The song I presented for my class.  Love is work sometimes.  Love is forgiveness.

15. God Gave Me You- Blake Shelton

Sappy, yes.  Cheesy, maybe.  But true.  My husband is my biggest supporter, my strength when I am weak and I truly believe he is a gift from God.

I feel like I don't stop this now I'll never stop it.  We're going to have a vow renewal ceremony next Fall and first item on my agenda is music playlists. 

Recipe time!

I made these brownies for a Peaceful Parenting Network park play-date we went to last week.  I have friends that are gluten-free and wanted to bring something everyone could eat but didn't have any special flours or anything in the house.  I found this recipe and was pretty excited!  They are definitely a fudge type brownie, they don't rise much at all and I didn't love the texture but all of the kids loved them and that was my goal.  Plus they are so easy it's a great recipe to try out.  You can add nuts or chocolate chips if you like, my chocolate wasn't gluten free so I decided not to.

Gluten Free Black Bean Brownies

1 15 oz. can black beans, drained and rinsed well

2 eggs

1/3 cup Cocoa Powder

3/4 cup honey

1 T Vanilla

2 T Coconut Oil

1/2 tsp. Salt

1.  Dump all ingredients into a blender or food processor, except chocolate chips or nuts if you're using them, and blend until smooth.

2.  Pour mixture into a greased 8x8 pan.

3. Bake for 30 minutes at 350 degrees!

4.  Let cool and enjoy.  

Lenten musings and a Fridge Pickle recipe.

It's that time of year again, every good Catholic gone bad's worst nightmare.

Lent.

A time to reflect on the things we've done wrong, that we KNOW we've done wrong.  To confess our sins and repent.  To attempt to do better, and try to grasp what a great sacrifice God made for us.

In many years past Lent has been a surface thing for me, get ashes put on your forehead, go to Jamba Juice, everyone knows your a Christian.  Good to go.   Even in the things I decided to give up for Lent, they were superficial and at best just a semi-Godly diet plan.  Give up soda for 40 days for God?

Sure!  Maybe I'll lose weight in the process.....never mind the fact that I can never do something for 40 days.  I'm not a very consistent person, I change my mind constantly and I can always come up with another reason as to why, just this once it's ok. "We're on vacation!" "It's a federal holiday, I mean we're not expected to observe Lent too right?" "I decided to change my Lent fast to chocolate." Etc. 

But all in all, they're excuses.  Why am I unable to give up such a small thing in the effort to truly remember what God has given up for me?  Most likely because I just didn't want to. This past year my relationship with God has grown in ways I never imagine and I really wanted to make it something that would help remind me of that sacrifice, that would strengthen my relationship with God, not just make it another thing I could somehow work my way around if I knew enough loop holes.

I thought of giving up social media, which wouldn't be bad, mostly Instagram just stops me from eating my meals right when they're done cause I have to take a picture but all in all innocent.  I thought of giving up meat or grains or dairy.  But all of those we're just diet variations for me and when I'm not eating those things I'm not thinking of God, I'm thinking about how annoying it is that I can't eat those things.  

I've prayed about it and it keeps coming back to the same thing, my negativity.  I get this adorable trait from my Father, thanks Dad! And I'm sure I've only added to it myself.  In general I wouldn't say I'm negative but I think I'm confusing negativity with complaining.  I can be positive, it has happened and I have become a more positive person than the surly pissed off 18 year old I once was but this certain dude I live with has commented on my negativity more than a few times.  Sorry babe. 

So for 40 days I will TRY to not be negative.  I am certain I will fail many times.  But I will try, to see the good in things, the positives in myself and my life.  The beautiful wonderful life God has provided me and in my positivity I will remember him.  I can't be negative about myself, my looks, my weight, etc if I truly want to honor God who gave me this body in the first place.  I already feel like this has rubbed off a little bit on Lily and the thought that she would think badly of herself at such a young age because I am so negative about myself is devastating.  No negative talk about other people, also known as gossip.  You caught me.  And my biggest killer, negativity about my home.  It is easy for me to get caught up and anxious about what I CAN'T do that I never focus on what I CAN do.  What I HAVE done.  So time to let it be, let God's love remind me of all the positives in my life and how blessed I truly am.

And food!  We're leaving for Orlando, Florida on Sunday, yeay!  For about a week so I've been cooking/eating everything in the fridge to get ready for this.  I made the mistake of buying a Costco pack of cucumbers last week and still had 2 left that were not long for this world.  I decided pickles were the way to go!  Seriously easy, so easy to adapt and change and tasty!  I made these and ate them a few hours later and they were already delicious.  

Mama Cole's Sweet & Spicy Fridge Pickles

[This recipe makes enough for 2 - 16 oz. Mason jars.  Divide each amount into two, half in each jar.]

2 English Cucumbers, sliced 1/4 inch thick

1/2 cup Unfiltered Apple Cider Vinegar

4 tsp. chili pepper flakes

1/4 cup sugar

2 cloves of garlic, smashed

2 tbs. Kosher salt

Water

[1] In the bottom of each mason jar put apple cider vinegar, chili flakes, sugar, garlic cloves and salt.

[2] Place lids on jars and shake to dissolve sugar and salt.

[3] Add cucumber slices to jars and then fill to the top with water!

[4] Seal and place in fridge! 

 I like my pickles crunchy so I eat mine right away but you can let them sit for up to a month.  

Enjoy!  This recipe can easily be adapted for more or less.  If you don't like spicy omit the pepper flake, if you want to make dill pickles omit the sugar and chili flakes and add fresh dill and peppercorns.  Try out your own combos and have fun!

Healing hurts. [Blueberry Quinoa Muffins!]

The New Year is here!  It snuck up on me.  

2012 was just a blur.  Of trips, moving, babies, blessings.  

I thought about what "resolutions" I was going to try for 2013.  Mine are mostly simple.  

Drink more water.  Sleep more.  Cuss less. Pray more.  Read my Bible. 

Be gentler with my children. Eat healthier. Stress less. Exercise.

All of these things are definitely do-able, change-able.  

But one thing I really would like to focus on this year is giving myself time to heal.

[I signed myself up for the Honolulu Marathon today!  Let the resolutions begin!]

I'm not the best at letting myself heal.  Physically or emotionally.

I always want to rush the process, to have it be over and done with.  For my body or mind to bounce back to what I expect it to be without the waiting process.  I had surgery a week ago today and today is the first day I've let myself kind of be.  I slowly baked muffins with the kids, I snuggled in bed with the babies.  I went to bed early last night. Kind of ass backwards, but it's what I do.  I wanted out of the hospital the day I had surgery.  I want all the bandages off.  I want to take showers and climb staircases and lift heavy things.  And so I do.  But at what cost?  Essentially, a slower recovery, my body is not quite as young as it used to be or maybe even as I hope it is.  I'm rounding the bend of 29, it's getting close and with 30 right behind it and it's kind of freaking me out.  

[Bellows Beach. <3]

I had the same problem post-partum.  My midwife told me to rest a solid two weeks and I didn't.  I tried to do too much and my body came back to tell me, no.  This was not a challenge of mind over matter.  My body simply needed to heal and willing it to be healed was not going to work.  In my mind I justify it with the fact that really, no mother of 4 young children can really REST.  Can they?

I mean, husbands have to work, diapers need to be changed and little mouths fed.  Laying in bed watching TV and eating Ben & Jerry's sounds delightful but improbable.  

Healing is more than a body process tho.  I do the same in my mind.  I want hurts to go away the second they happen.  I want the crap I replay in my mind to be gone.  I understand healing is a process I just want it to be the shortest one possible.  I've never been good at dealing with emotions.  I'd much rather feel physical pain than the emotional kind and telling myself things don't matter has been kind of my go-to healing process.  Whatever happened to me isn't the worst, someone else at some point in time has been in a shittier situation and who am I to complain?

Healing from hurts is agony to me.  Such a slow and painful process that involves forgiving and letting go of the past.  Forgiving I think I can do.  Well mostly, I don't know if I've quite gotten there with certain people yet and probably because I haven't finished the healing process.  Letting go, maybe.  

I hate for the past to infect my future.  I have so many beautiful things in my life.  My family, my friends, my profession.  Why do I choose to let people that could care less about me burrow their way into my happiness?  I understand the process of a cut healing, you bleed, it hurts, it scabs over and then it scars.  I think I'm at a point in my life right now that my emotional hurts are scabbed over.  A huge part of me wants to just pick at them, see if they're still raw underneath but I know the best thing I can do is let it be.  Wait for time to do what only it can do and for me, what only God can do as well.

Heal me completely, leave a scar for what was lost.  A faint reminder.

Nothing that has to be part of my day to day living, but just what it is.  I was hurt, there's no denying it. There's no hiding it.  But I can let it go, let myself heal and move on. <3

So more of that eating better business, that includes baking better too. At least sometimes.

Made these muffins with the kiddos today and none of them would eat them, seriously.

Sigh.  It's worth trying tho right?

Blueberry Quinoa Muffins

1 cup Whole Wheat Flour

1 cup cooked Quinoa

1/2 cup packed light brown sugar

2 tsps. Baking Soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 egg

2/3 cup milk [I used whole]

1/4 cup Coconut Oil

1 heaping cup blueberries [I used fresh, but frozen would work!]

[1] Preheat oven to 400 degrees and place liners in 12 muffin cups.

[2] In a large bowl whisk together the flour, brown sugar, salt & baking soda.  Mix quinoa into this mixture.

[3] In a separate bowl combine the oil, milk and egg and then fold into the dry ingredients.

[4] Gently fold in blueberries and bake for 19-21 minutes.

Quinoa Power!