Adventures in Appendicitis!

So, I haven't blogged in awhile.  I don't know if I don't have much to say or I feel like I'm always talking about the same things over and over again.  My life is pretty routine, as routine as life with four little kids can be.  But then.....it happened.  Yesterday I took the kids to the park and met up with some of my friends to let everyone blow off some steam.  We had a good time and got home and I started making lunch.  Somewhere during this process something started to go wrong.  My back started hurting like crazy which then moved into my stomach and basically my whole body.  I could barely stand or walk and was getting pretty annoyed since my plans for the rest of the day were to finally get the post Christmas tornado cleaned up.

After fighting the urge to cry and the pain not easing up after 3 hours I finally caved.  I called the advice nurse at Kaiser who basically told me I would have to wait until the next day to get an appt. if I could stand the pain.  I waited another half an hour or so and then admitted defeat, no, I could NOT stand the pain.  Feeling bummed about my thrashed house and plans with my babe to go see This is 40 ruined, I caved in and asked Andy to take me to the ER.

 [Instagram addict even in the hospital.]

We packed up Tulip, left the kids with my sister, and made the 20 minute drive to Kaiser Moanalua which felt more like 2 hours.  When we finally got there and checked in it came to a screeching halt.  The check-in nurse said the wait would be about an hour, I don't know if I really waited that long or me rocking and moaning in the waiting room made her speed the process up a bit. Finally got checked in and answered lots of random questions, at this point the pain was subsiding a bit and I was regretting getting myself into this process but we decided it was better to wait it out and see if we could find out what was wrong since I had felt this pain more than a few times since I gave birth to Tulip.

[Morphine!  Hooray!]

They admitted me.  I was starving and thirsty at this point but alas, nothing by mouth.  Bloodwork came back negative so my doctor thought a CT scan was in order.  I had to down 2 bottles of lukewarm, sugar-free [gag] "fruit" drink.  I like to call it Devil's Juice.  It was sick, I had to take Zofran in order to not throw it up.  All not cool.  Since the CT scan couldn't happen for another two hours Andy took Tulip home since we didn't really want her at the hospital and after I drank the juice I couldn't breastfeed her for awhile.  One of my awesome friends brought breast milk to our house so we could bottle feed her until the yuck was out of my system.

Andy got back to the hospital just as another good friend was dropping off a whole mini cooler of breast milk from a woman on the Human Milk for Human Babies site.  

Sometimes the generosity of others amazes me and reminds me that, yeah there is a lot of shit and bad things in this world but I don't have to contribute to it and there are people out there that remind me of the good parts.  That in itself is awesome to me.  CT scan results came back, surprise!  Appendicitis!

[The name Breeza was not fooling me!]

So at least now, some answers!  Not the answer I wanted to hear but I was glad that: 

1. I'm not a hypochondriac

 2. I'm not a wuss. 

 For a minute there I was thinking it might have just been really bad gas. That would have been embarrassing.  A lot of back and forth and they finally scheduled my surgery for 8:30am the next morning.  Andy went home to be with the babies and work his graveyard shift and they transferred me to an actual room where I soaked in all the cable goodness I could get while sleeping off and on.

For me that meant watching QVC and wondering if all the clothes on there are technically "old ladie's clothes" or could I pull them off?

Andy got back to the hospital around 8 and we snoozed on the bed together since they pushed my surgery to 10:00.  Finally they took me back to surgery, at this point I'm trying not to freak out at the thought of being naked and unconscious while holes are being poked in my body.  I went into the surgery room, they put the mask on my face and I thought to myself "I wonder how long this stuff takes to....." Snooze.

[Ooh, liquid diet. Yum.]

Woke up in recovery.  Basically a giant room with people lining the walls in various states of waking up.  Awkward.  My nurse was nice and I complained about being hungry enough that she gave me an orange popsicle.  The kind with TWO popsicles connected.  Heck yeah.  She wouldn't let me leave until I said the pain was fine so I sucked it up so I could be out of there and back with my love.

So in the end, I was ok.  It was scary and surreal.  I'm now missing a part of my body that isn't one of my teeth.  I've survived my first surgery and non-pregnancy related hospital stay.

I spent a long day on pain meds, begging for food and water, having engorged boobs and laying in a hospital bed with my husband having a marathon Ridiculousness marathon.  

I was lucky that they were able to do it lapriscopically, with a little camera, so I have two holes in my stomach and not an incision.  One on the left side of my stomach and one down in my belly button?!  That one creeps me out a little bit.

I came home to my four beautiful children, sore but relieved.

A clean house courtesy of my Stepmom and sister.  Kids happy and fed thanks to a great friend.

Andy cooked me a salmon dinner.  I ate and hugged my kids and I was thankful. 

Just when I thought 2012 could surprise me no more, I was wrong. ;)

[My Welcome Home committee! So happy to see these little faces.]

The end is near. End of 2012 that is. [Blueberry Velvet Cake]

I can't believe Christmas is in 15 days.

I can't believe this year is almost over.  It has been a crazy, exciting, growing, hard and wonderful year all at once.  We got pregnant with our 4th child.  We took a 3 week long road trip to the Pacific Northwest.  We moved across the ocean to Hawaii, again.  We almost broke up.  But we didn't.

We had our 4th child.  We grew stronger.  The kids grew older.  We grew up a little more.

We continued homeschooling.  We fell in love all over again. We moved for the 6th time since we've been married.  We celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary.  I turned 28.  I let go of the past.  

I struggled to be the woman I want my daughters to be proud of.  I tried to learn patience.

I gave up on always being in control.  I baked, A LOT.  I prayed. 

 I missed old friends & made new ones.  

I laughed.  I laid on the beach while the kids played in the sand.  I hiked on a cliff overlooking the ocean.  I watched my children sleep.  I spent way too much money on Target & Starbucks.  I voted.

I stressed about everything.  I saw babies being born.  I had my first home birth.  I took pictures.

I wrapped presents.  I kissed my kids.  I forgave. 

[Gutierrez Family Christmas Card!  I'm pretty excited about it if you couldn't tell.]

This has been an exhausting, amazing year.  Parts of it I never thought I would make it through and I'm still amazed to see myself standing sometimes.  I know they say as you get older the faster time goes and I definitely get that now.  I can't believe it's been almost a year since we've been back in Hawaii.

Our house is finally starting to feel like our home, we've added another beautiful member to our family, I've gotten to experience things I never though I would.  Both good and bad.  Life is constantly changing and as much as that scares me sometimes I am just in awe. 

Where will we be a year from now?  What will God choose for us to do?  Will we listen?

I am constantly amazed by this journey of life and how it is always changing.
 I'm ready to live this life to the fullest and I can't wait to see what 2013 brings for us.  

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you.

Plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Now for the recipe!

This would be an awesome New Year's Eve cake.  It's just so pretty and definitely good for a special occasion.  I made it just cause I wanted to and ended up slowly eating the whole cake piece by piece because the kids refused to eat anything with actual fruit in it.  

And I wonder why I'm gaining weight?  Anyways......

Try it!  It's delicious and worth the work.

I didn't adapt this recipe at all and all of a sudden I'm dead tired.....

possibly cause it's 1 o'clock in the morning?  Eh. 

So, here is a link to this wonderful cake!  Enjoy.

http://www.iheartchocolatemilk.com/2012/06/07/blueberry-velvet-cake-with-cream-cheese-frosting/

thankfultwenty. [Slow Cooker Beef&&Broccoli]

Nicole's Official Thankful 20.
It's the small things. :)

[Thankful for this crazy kid!] 

1.  Going pee BY MYSELF.  If this ever happens it's a miracle, a joyous miracle. A shower is even more awesome.

2.  When the Wii remotes actually have batteries.  This is a rare and elusive thing.  If they don't have working batteries I then try to rotate the same 6 batteries hoping some combo of 2 will magically work.

3.  Free stuff.  Anything free makes me pretty happy.  Things to do with the kids, free food, free baby-sitting.  I'll take it all.  And the best?  Free coffee of course.

4.  When you get a really good lock screen/wallpaper combo on your cellphone.  Yeah, that makes me happier than it probably should.

5.  Unsolicited advice.  I really love when a stranger tells me something I don't want to hear or care their opinion about.  Oh, the baby's too old to breastfeed?  You don't think my carrier is safe?  Actually that was a joke.  Please leave me alone.

6. Mom time.  I am so grateful to have such an awesome husband that is always encouraging me to take a little time for myself.  Trips to Target, coffee with a friend, a nap.  All awesome.  I love him so much for that.

7. The "ignore" button on my cell phone.  It's not that I'm trying to ignore you, I swear, I mean I acknowledged that you're calling me by hitting ignore. Right? ;)

8. Pacifiers!  Tulip is a pacifier baby, just like her big sister Lily.  Those little inventions have saved many a Mom [&Dad] hours of crying.

9. E-mail.  That way if I have something I need to say to you that's too formal to text but I'm really avoiding having to talk to you about than I can e-mail you!  Problem solved.

10.  Potlucks.  Cook one thing and you magically have a whole meal with lots of options!  Hopefully some of them are semi-decent.

[Thankful for my new Kitchen-Aid!  Thank you Mama!]

11. Coastal.com.  Free glasses?  Yes, please!  Without them I would be rocking 3 year old glasses with a super weak prescription or ripped contacts that I'm sure would be eating my eyes alive.
If you want a pair just use the code: FIRSTPAIRFREE  Your welcome!

12. Bobby pins.  Without them I would probably cut my bangs off in a fit of rage one day.

13. Group texts.  When I can't be with my best friends I can at least harass both of them via text about watching Magic Mike at noon on a Tuesday.

14. Airplanes.  Without them I would never get to see my extended family.  At least not without an 8 day boat ride.

15.  Pinterest.  I'm sorry I love it so much, I just do.  I have a rad shirt that says, "Keep Calm and Pin Something" I'm that cool.

16. Tom Hardy.  Especially in Lawless when he's wearing a cardigan.  Yeah, pretty much.

17. That I'm not in The Walking Dead and I don't have to listen to Andrea & Dale every minute of the day.  Two most annoying people EVER.  I hope the walkers get you!

18. Magic erasers.  Otherwise my kid's wouldn't get to use the walls as their own personal coloring pages.  Oh, there not supposed to do that?  Could have fooled me.

19. Cloth diapers. Thank you for saving us ridiculous amounts of money every month & covering cute butts in the process.

20. Breaking Dawn Part II.  Not because it was so good but because I can finally stop making Andy take me to see them and we can do something different for our anniversary than watch the world's most ridiculous love triangle made square.

I know this was supposed to be a Thanksgiving thing but I've been kind of grumpy lately.  Shit has been going wrong, life has been frustrating and hard but I need to remind myself there is SO much to be thankful for.  The big & the little.  Thank you God for it all. <3

And now I leave you with this tasty recipe for.....

Slow Cooker Beef & Broccoli 

1 cup Beef Broth

2 tbs. Sesame Oil

3 cloves garlic, chopped

1 lb. sirloin, cut into strips

1 16. oz. package Broccoli Florets

1/3 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup Soy Sauce

2 tbs. Corn Starch

White Rice for Serving

[1] In a bowl whisk together beef broth and cornstarch.  Pour into slow cooker.

[2] Add sesame oil, garlic, brown sugar & soy sauce to slow cooker.  Mix well.

[3] Add in sirloin.  Cover and cook on high 6 hours or low 8 hours.

[4] Add broccoli florets, mix and cook an additional 30-40 minutes depending 

on how done you like your broccoli! 

[5] Serve over steamed rice! 

Learning Curve [Brownie Dipped Oreos]

[I'll lead with this.  Hopefully her cuteness will naturally make you like this blog.]
Our Tulip Bea, 7 weeks. <3

10 Things I've learned in the 10 years since I've been 28.

1.  Don't hit.  Violence is not the answer. I tell my kids this ALL THE TIME now.  Especially Jonas & Oliver.  These two know how to throw down.  What I thought was harmless rough housing then or cute playful fun I think might have really been pissing people off.  Especially Andy.
 Sorry babe, I've learned, I promise!

2. Believe me, one day coffee will taste good.  Really good.  At 18 I could never understand how people could like coffee, it's so bitter, gross!  10 years later all the Starbucks baristas in a 5 mile vicinity know my order.  I was such a fool.

3. Never say never.  My rebel 18 year old self was all like "I'll never get married or have kids, that's not who I am."  Obviously I was wrong.  While it has taken me many years to prove my skepticism of marriage wrong I have never felt so right doing anything than I do being a wife to my husband and mother to my four beautiful children. 

4. It's ok to say sorry.  When I was 18 saying sorry was a killer.  I physically could not do it.  I hated/still hate being wrong.  But at least now I know to admit it when I am.

5. You have more money than you think.  This applies to my 4-job working teenage self.  I would get up to help Andy deliver papers at 2 in the morning, get home and go open Jamba Juice, head to either Old Tyme Burrito [r.i.p.] or Mrs. Fields Cookies and close them.  I stretched myself even thinner with school and without knowing how to budget in the slightest still didn't have enough money.  

Oh disposable income, where did you go?

Now I know how to run a family of 6 off a shoestring budget and I enjoy it.  We take pride in spending money we have earned and we don't throw it around lightly.  We feed our family good homemade food,  do things with our children every week and even get to treat ourselves every now and then off of one budget without much stress because of it.  28 year old self now realizes 18 year old self didn't really NEED that $50 pair of bell bottoms from Wet Seal.  Sigh.

6. It really is bad to run the dryer to just make one piece of clothing unwrinkled.

Seriously, do you know how much that costs?!  Use an iron!

7. I am beautiful.  It has only taken me having children to realize what a gift from God my body is.  The hatred I have had for my body is taken away when I realize how strong and awesome it is through the act of pregnancy and giving birth.  Even cooler, the ability to my nourish my children in the best way possible through breastfeeding. <3  I still fight this battle tho and some days are better than others, I try to remind myself that I am fearfully & wonderfully made. 

8. High school doesn't matter.  People would tell me this and I couldn't believe that anything would be more important than those four years of people making you feel bad about yourself.  And even more revolutionary?  What other people think DOES NOT matter.  

9.  Believe.  I know it is a process but all those years I lived not knowing God makes me sad for the girl I was then. It is still a constant struggle for me to KNOW God is with me, to believe it, to understand his love is not an easy thing especially for someone that hasn't always loved themself.  I couldn't force my 18 year old self to believe then the same way that I can't do it now.  But my faith grows stronger as I grow older and I pray it continues to do so.

10. Let it go.

You can hold on to every horrible thing someone in this world has done to you.  And it can eat you up, make you bitter and cold and suck the life out of you.  Or, you can let it go.  Understand that you have made mistakes too.  Hope the other person is sorry but even if they aren't, let it go.  

It's only hurting you. And if you see them on the street and want to punch them SO bad in their face, refer to #1.

And now!  For the food!
In these past 10 years I have also learned how to eat better.  I no longer think McDonalds, Sabarro pizza & mall Chinese food are a good combo. But, sometimes I just like something bad for me.
Oh well.

Brownie Dipped Oreos

1 Box Brownie Mix
1 package of Oreos
Sprinkles [Optional]

1.  Prepare brownie mix according to the box.
2. Dip Oreos in batter making sure to coat thoroughly.
3. Drop Oreoes into a greased cupcake pan.
4. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.

*This recipe makes 12-16 Oreos depending on what size mix you get.  My family-sized box made 16.
*Also, sorry to leave you with a lame-ish recipe but I'm tired. 

Mommy needs a beer. For....Cheddar Beer Bread!

Ahh.....the lovely 6 weeks post partum mark.

When all of reality comes back to kick you in the neck and ask you,

"Why would you think another child is a good idea??!"

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my baby girl.  She is all that is good about babies, chunky, sweet, sleeps a lot, little dimpled smiles.  Sigh.  But oh yeah, the other three.

I am starting to feel delirious.  I thought before was bad.  Three kids and 8 months pregnant was chill!

Another diaper to change, another person to cloth before we leave the house.  Another person to please, and this little person is only pleased by one thing!  Boobies.  Which happen to be attached to me and make it near impossible to get anything else done.

[My idea of a good time!]

This isn't really supposed to be one of those pity me blogs, cause it's not.  I don't pity myself and in general I love my life, there's not much to pity.  I get to be with my kids all day, I get to go to school, drink Starbucks, go shopping at Target, eat dinner with my husband every night. I mean honestly I don't need much to be happy.  Or maybe it's the opposite?  

I don't need much, but I do need it to be my way.......

Anyways!  Life is hard right now, I'm not going to lie.  I feel like sometimes my blogs are TOO happy?

If that's a thing?  Or maybe that they're a little misleading.  You didn't REALLY think I had all my shit together did you?  Ha, I'm such a great illusionist.

I've also started following a bunch of people on Instagram that I don't know.  This might seem irrelevant but it's going somewhere, I promise.  I see all these beautiful Moms with platinum hair and red lips making their kids homemade bone broth and fresh squeezed orange juice popsicles [wtf?!] for lunch and it makes me feel grossly inadequate.  I know I shouldn't compare myself, and for a long time I was doing good on that one but lately I have just been feeling like I'm not enough.

[I did vote tho!  So that counts for something right? :]

I'm not a good enough Mother, I can't keep all four of my children quiet for an hour and a half church service while my husband plays music and I try to get someone to hold the babies while I go up and play drums.

I'm not a good enough Wife, I complain.  I nag.
I do things over because he didn't do them the way I would have.

I'm not a good enough friend, if you text me with a 911 message I might text you back.  Next week.

I'm not a good enough student, I do every assignment an hour before it's due so as I'm doing it there's an awesome red countdown system that makes me feel like I'm also going to pass out from anxiety.

I'm not patient enough.  I'm not soft enough.
I'm not ladylike enough.  I'm not thin enough.

I'm not crunchy enough.

The list could go on, but do I want it to?  

I need to come to understand that no, I will never be enough.  I will never be a perfect version of all those things because I will never be a perfect person.  But luckily I don't need to be.

My identity, although I'm working on it, should first and foremost be in God.  Which is why I think I've been thinking so much about how I'm not enough.  I have definitely not been faithful enough,  I haven't been praying enough, tithing enough, trying enough.

It is so easy to let God go, to fall from his grasp and to turn myself to the daily buzz of life.  Such a hard routine to get into, thinking about him everyday, praying, listening, making him a priority when my day feels like it can't possibly hold anymore. 

 I can feel myself slipping away, getting weaker, so I know what I need to do to not let this world get to me the way it has before and it's never too late to start again.

Luckily my God forgives and to Him I will always be enough.

And now of course, the food!
Made this Cheddar Beer Bread for Tulip's Baptism and it was a hit!
I love the edges where the cheese & butter meet and make delicious crispy heaven.  Yum.

Cheddar Beer Bread

3 cups AP Flour
2 tbs. Sugar
I tbs. Baking Powder
1 tsp. Salt
2 tbs. Honey
1 cup shredded Cheddar
1-12 oz. Bottle of Beer [I used Samuel Adams Pumpkin Harvest]
4-8 tbs. Butter [1/2-Whole Stick], melted.
*This depends on how buttery you want it, I used a whole stick and it was crazy good but REALLY buttery, I probably would do a half stick next time.

[1] In a stand mixer blend together all the dry ingredients.
[2] Using the dough hook add in your beer and honey and knead for 5 minutes or so. Add cheese and knead 1 more minute.
[3] Using a pastry brush pour half your melted butter into a loaf pan.  Make sure pan is completely greased.
[4] Pour dough into loaf pan & drizzle the rest of the butter on top.
[5] Bake for an hour at 350 degrees.  

Instagram Anonymous. [Frosted Zucchini Brownies]

Hi, my name is Nicole and I am an Instagram addict.

[Which by the way if you want to follow me I'm under: nicolehopefully]

Ok, yes, I said it.  I admit it.  I know, I know.  I really, really, really, like Instagram, even more than Facebook [is that possible?]  I always have this guilt inside of me that maybe I'm the Mom that takes too many pictures?  That I can't just go do something without taking 500 pictures as proof that I did it.

And I think I'm guilty as charged.  

I've always been a picture taker, I took photography in high school, back in the day when we developed our film in a dark room in the pitch black hoping we would load the film right and the whole roll wasn't ruined.  My photography teacher finally had to tell me that not every assignment could be pictures of my, "druggie boyfriend" aka Andy.  Although why he thought Andy was a druggie I'll never know, maybe it was the fact that he was in a band, wore a beanie 24/7 & had long hair?

[I've also decided I'm just going to start using my own pictures for my blog instead of random graphics I find.  My blog is mostly for myself and I think it will be cooler to remember what we we're doing at different times than random memes I think are funny that day.  So here's Andy teaching a science experiment for our homeschool co-op the other day.  

I guess I never did listen to my photography teacher, sorry Mr. Allen!]

Besides photography class I would constantly take pictures with my little point & shoot cameras or disposables if those we're on hand.  I would use my allowance to develop rolls of film every week and the ladies at Rite-Aid would ask if I was ok if I missed a Friday developing my pictures.  I don't know why but I have always just loved pictures.  I'm a big memory person I guess, I love looking through old pictures and remembering how horrible I looked, or what we did on vacations, the fun we had that night, old pets that have since passed. [We love you Caboose!]

My room in high school was plastered in photo strips from the old photo booths that had developer in them, if you put your ear up to it you could hear the tray tipping back and forth.  Another thing that's long gone and if I wasn't feeling older before I definitely am now.  Come to think of it, I can't even remember the last time I developed a roll of film myself.  I loved making collages with pictures for the front of my binders and even tonight I just got done re-doing our fridge with all the new Halloween pictures we just took.

I have carted literally thousands of pictures across the ocean and back.  Reminisced about my brother's rat tail, of beach bonfires on the Central Coast, birthday parties where everyone has a drunken grin, pictures of the kid's as they've grown.  Of Andy & I in high school, my favorite of him drinking tequila out of my hair, oh I pray my children are nothing like us at that age! 

So sometimes when I wonder if I'm just going with the fad, if I just like Instagram cause it's popular and I want to be like the cool kids I remember myself as a not so cool kid taking pictures at punk shows, at funerals, and of the things we ate on road trips.  I've never been big on souvenirs, or buying little things to remind me of the places we've gone or the things we've seen but I do love pictures.  Of visits with our friends in Washington, of my Nani's gravestone when I can't visit her there, of my Grandma on Christmas with her 50 year old fur coat in 70 degree weather.  When I miss them they're here with me.

I'll never be a photographer, I'm not good enough at staging pictures, [even tho my cousin and I would hang bed sheets in our room and play "photo studio"] I always miss that perfect shot and I can barely use the auto setting on our awesome Nikon.  

But I promise you, wherever we go & whatever we do.....I will always be there taking pictures. 

Like this picture!

Yummy zucchini brownies I made for Halloween.  I have tried other zucchini brownie recipes and not loved them, made these the other night & they we're a hit!  The frosting is delicious and you seriously can't tell it has zucchini at all.  I will never make another brownie again.

Frosted Zucchini Brownies

[adapted from mommyimhungry.blogspot.com]

1/2 cup Coconut Oil

1 1/2 cups Sugar

2 tsps. Vanilla

2 cups Flour

1/2 cup Unsweetened Cocoa Powder

1 1/2 teaspoons Baking Soda

1 tsp. Salt

2 cups shredded Zucchini

1/2 cup chocolate chips 

Frosting:

2 cups Powdered Sugar

1/2 cup Whole Milk

1/4 cup butter

6 tbs. Unsweetened Cocoa Powder

1/2 tsp. Vanilla

[1] In a stand mixer beat together coconut oil & sugar.  When combined mix in vanilla.

[2] In a medium sized mixing bowl whisk together the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda & salt.

[3] Slowly add flour mixture to oil and sugar on low speed.  It will look crumbly and dry.

[4] With a spatula mix in zucchini and chocolate chips.  Stir well until there are no dry spots.

[5] Grease a 9x13 baking pan and set your oven for 350.

[6] Bake for 30-35 minutes until brownies spring back when touched. 

[7] Let brownies cool completely before frosting!

Frosting:

[1] In a medium sauce pan melt butter on medium low and whisk in cocoa powder. 

[2] Add powdered sugar, milk and vanilla and whisk until smooth.

[3] You can add more milk or powdered sugar depending on how thick you want your frosting. 

[4] Spread on brownies & enjoy! 

Awkward. [Slow Cooker Honey Parmesan Pork Recipe]

I have always been a person that can't take a compliment.  I just don't know how to handle it.

Maybe it's my self-deprecating nature that I haven't quite gotten rid of, but I can never just nod and say "Oh, yes thank you!"  I always feel like I need to justify why that compliment doesn't really apply to me how someone else could have/did do it better, how it's not really what you think, how I'm really just not enough. 

Compliment:  "You're looking great after the baby!"

Me: " Well not really.....I'm still above my pre-pregnancy weight, years of being a fat girl have helped me learn how to dress and mask the tummy flab."

Compliment:  "You always do so much with your kids!"

Me: "Eh, well I mean, Andy helps a lot and I'm usually screaming at them so I don't know if it counts."

Compliment: "That's cool you play drums for your church."

"You take good pictures!"

"You're always cooking such yummy stuff!"

Me: "I'm not that good tho, I just do it cause Andy does."

"I just have a good camera."

"I'm ok but it's really just a way to save money, the chicken I made the other night was too salty.  Boo."

As I write these things I know they are real responses to things people have said to me.  And it's not to say, oh look how awesome that I am just complimented constantly!  No.  It's more of a wake-up call to myself to accept them.  To be happy and take some credit for the work I put in everyday to raise my kids, take care of my family, further my education, be a healthier happier person.  Why is it so hard for me to be kind to others, to give compliments and really mean them but when it's the other way around I am so convinced that the person is just "being nice?"

How do I expect my children to be proud of themselves if I can never be proud of myself?

I hope my kids grow-up to know they are beautiful. strong. smart. kind. handsome. funny.

When someone tells me anything slightly complimentary I always have the urge to shrug it off, look the other way, the one exception to this rule is Andy.  He can tell me I'm pretty all day and I'll just blush cause I'm really just a sucker for my husband. 

So maybe I need to change that.  It's ok to be proud of myself.

To be proud of my homebirth, of my strength as a woman.

To be proud of myself for going back to school after 9 years while 8 months pregnant.

To be proud of myself for getting through the hardest year of my life and grown from it,

proud of myself for the strength God has given me.  

It has taken me years to finally like myself, the person I have become, and maybe now I can accept that other people just might like me too. :) 

Time for food!  Made this pork in the slow cooker the other day and the combo was unexpected but super tasty!  Haven't used the slow cooker in awhile and it reminded me why I like it so much!

Slow Cooker Parmesan Pork

1 [3-5] Pork Roast or [3-4] Thick Cut Boneless Pork Chops

3/4 cup fresh grated Parmesan Cheese

1/2 cup honey

3 tbs. Soy Sauce

2 tbs. dried Basil

4 cloves garlic, minced

2 tbs. Olive Oil

1/2 tsp. salt

2 tbs.  Cornstarch

1/4 cup water

[1] Place pork in the bottom of Crock Pot.

[2] In a medium bowl whisk together all ingredients.

[3] Cook on low for 6-7 hours or on high for 5 hours.

Chow down! 

Faux Fall. [Fall Truffles!]

Oh how I love fall.  It means the holidays are coming, 

Starbucks starts carrying Pumpkin Spice, and I can force the kids to watch Nightmare Before Christmas at least a dozen times between October and December.   I used to look forward to pulling out my moccasins and beanies, leaves changing, the smell of fireplaces in the air.

But alas, not here.  I know it's horrible to complain about living in Hawaii but one of the hardest parts for me has always been the lack of seasons.  Sure, Summer is fun, once a year when you've been waiting to go swimming and BBQ and if you're lucky, someone you know has a boat.  When every month is pretty much the same temperature: give or take humidity, Vog, or a rainbow it's not so fun.

[No, no, nope, no, none, & no.]

It's weird cause I always get slightly depressed just missing the gray cold weather, the overcast days and chilly nights.  So for now, while we're here, I guess I'll just have to pretend...I'll pretty much make anything involving pumpkin.  Cook soup in my crock pot and act like we're not sweating as we eat it and without an air conditioner I can't even pretend it's cold!  

Maybe cause I've just had a baby and I'm all sappy or whatever but the holidays always remind me of extended family.  Of taking the kids to Apple Hill to pick fresh apples and jump in leaf piles.  Watching A Christmas Story all bundled up, cooking Mexican food with Andy's family or stopping by all the relatives houses on Halloween so the kid's can score extra candy.  All of it just makes me miss home.  

Then I remember what I have.  My FOUR beautiful children.  Going to the beach in October.

Flip flops in December, which I would do anyways in San Francisco and then cry for Andy to give me his socks cause I made a "bad choice."  

[Our little Jack-O-Lantern!  Lily Pax at the Waimanalo Country Farms Pumpkin Patch.]

So yes, I miss the Fall.  And I hope to experience it again someday, and at that point I will probably complain about something else.  But for now I will be happy with what I have, with searching for Halloween costumes that won't give the kids heat rash, for baking Pumpkin muffins in my sweltering kitchen, for the changing of seasons to mean only bigger waves, painting our pumpkins instead of carving them cause the heat makes them rot in about a day, for bringing my favorite sweaters to class because it's my only chance to wear them.  

I have a wonderful [hot] life that I get to share with the people I love more than anyone in this world.

I miss Northern California.  I miss a lot of the people there.  I miss spending holidays with them but I am so thankful for the opportunities we have here, to grow as a family, to be active in our church, for the kids to be in a Christmas Choir thats says "Mele Kalikimaka!"  That I can wear a sundress on New Year's Eve, without a coat.  That I can match my Halloween to my black flip flops.  

So be happy with where you are while you're there.  && if you're not, do something to change it.  

Otherwise don't complain to me, cause that's just annoying. 

[Fall Truffles!  No-Bake Deliciousness.]

Fall Truffles 

1/2 cup Pumpkin Puree

1/2 cup powdered sugar

1 8 oz. block of Cream Cheese

2 cups Graham Cracker Crumbs

2 cups Chocolate Chips

Pumpkin Pie Spice [optional]

[1] In a food processor or plastic bag crush your graham crackers to equal 2 cups, it took me a little less than 3 sleeves out of the graham cracker box.

[2] In a large mixing bowl beat together the pumpkin puree, powdered sugar, cream cheese & graham cracker crumbs.

[3] I would refrigerate this mixture for at least an hour, overnight would be fine.  I didn't and the mixture was hard to work with.

[4] When mixture is cold scoop out tablespoons, or so...make them however small or big you want them to be!  Roll into balls.

[5] Dip balls into melted chocolate.  I just melted my chocolate chips in the microwave on 25 second intervals, stirring after every time. You could also use a double boiler if you have a bunch of extra time on your hands or something. 

[6] Make sure balls are completely covered in chocolate and drop onto waxed paper to cool.  They are supposed to look like truffles, the fungus, so not perfect is good in this case! 

[7] Sprinkle tops with a little pumpkin pie spice.

[8] Refrigerate again && enjoy! 

Happy Little Placenta Pills. [Warning: Graphic! I guess?]

Here they are!  My magic little happy placenta pills.  

And now, here's how we made them.

But first, your probably wondering WHY a pretty much normal human being would choose to eat their own organ.  Because, I secretly want to be a cannibal and this is the only semi-socially acceptable way to do it.  Kidding.  

There are a ton of reasons:

* Instead of a synthetic drug they contain my OWN hormones.

* Naturally perfectly made for my baby, by me. 

* Replenishes depleted iron after giving birth.

* Helps increase milk supply.

* Lessens bleeding afterbirth. 

And my biggies....

* Helps with Post Partum Depression.

* Energy! 

After each baby I have struggled with PPD and every time I have gone to my doctor and they prescribe me some kind of pill that basically turns me into a zombie.  No thanks.  So I take them for awhile, feel weird and not myself, sure, not anxious either but....pretty much nothing.  Then I decide I hate feeling like that and stop taking them all together, which I've heard is a no-no.

When I heard about placenta encapsulation it just made sense to me?  Sometimes I struggle with my hippie self vs. my Catholic type self.  I'm a Republican.  I eat my placenta.  They just don't always seem to fit hand in hand.  But every once in awhile, in my mind they do.  In my quest to become a doula/midwife/placenta encapsulator it's always been so reassuring to me that women were created by God to do the job our bodies were made to do.  

My placenta fresh out of the womb!  

My awesome hubby doing all the dirty work, actually pretty much all the work while I sat and watched and cuddled my baby. :)  What he's stretching out is actually my water bag, where baby Tulip chilled for a good 9 months!  My midwife said I had a strong water bag which weirdly made me feel proud of myself.  

Taking off the membranes, their are two layers of them.

The darker spots are calcifications which happen when the placenta is trying to block things like chemicals in cleaners and smoke.  It's a pretty amazing organ! & no more painting houses while pregnant.....sorry placenta.  Things like alcohol pass through the placenta tho and go right to the baby.

Membranes off.  Feeling a little bit like Dexter. 

The family that encapsulates together, stays together!

The sliced placenta getting ready to be dehydrated!  We did the raw method with no extra herbs or spices cause I didn't know how they would react with my body and I just wanted the purest form possible.  After it was all dry we ground it up and put it into pills! I've been taking the pills since 3 days post partum and they have definitely helped with the energy & anxiety.  I'm really happy I got to do this with at least one of my babies and now I hope I get to help other Mamas experience the same thing!

The Birth of Tulip Bea.

Oh my little Tulip Bea.  

This is my hardest birth story to writet by far, because I just don't know where to begin?

I guess I'll start from what I consider the beginning of labor.  

For at least a few weeks before she was born I started getting pretty consistent contractions.  I would have them for 10 hours straight about 10 minutes apart and then I would just go to sleep or take a shower and they would stop.  The contractions weren't painful, just uncomfortable at the most because I could definitely feel them happening.  

On September 26th I had a midwife appt. and at this point had already been having pretty regular contractions on and off.  My beautiful, awesome, amazing midwife, Selena, checked me and let me know I probably had at least another week.  Not exactly what I wanted to hear but I was ok with it.

For the next week anytime I started having contractions I would do anything I could to get them to turn into "real" labor.  Walking up and down flights of stairs, rubbing my belly with Clary Sage oil, bouncing on my birthing ball, etc. etc.

[One of my last belly pictures.  Obviously things weren't too intense at this point.]

Wednesday the 3rd we went back for another check up and I was 4 cm dilated!  Woo!

I was amazed because with all my other labors I didn't dilate until I was in active labor.  But at this point I still hadn't felt much.  I was 4 cm, 70% effaced and baby was at 0 station.  Hanging out waiting to drop.  Selena let me go home but told me to keep checking in and come back if my water broke because her home in Makaha is about 40 minutes away without traffic, at least an hour and thirty during rush hour and as a 4th time Mom labor could come on quicker than I might expect.  She also did a cervical massage and had me drink Black/Blue Cohosh in attempts to get the contractions going.

Note: Black & Blue Cohosh is disgusting!

Went back home and had another 7-8 hours of contractions.  They still weren't painful so I decided to try and sleep in case labor started soon.  Woke up through the night, lost my mucus plug and then nothing.  The next morning Selena wanted me to come back just in case again.

I took my 2nd Human Development test [got a B!] packed up the car, left the kids with my Stepmom and we headed back to Makaha.  With of course a quick stop at Target to shop and pick up ingredients for Sinigang Soup.

We got to Makaha around 2:30 and she checked me again, 

I was 90% effaced, baby at +1 & 9 cm dilated! 

And then the wait began.  More waiting.  After a check 6 hours later nothing had changed and I still wasn't feeling any pain.  Andy & I walked down to the Turtle Cove and relaxed, checked out the tide pools, messed around with some turtles and hermit crabs and then headed back to the house.

At this point Selena wanted me to stay and I agreed, I was close enough [I hoped!] that going back to Waipahu wasn't a good idea.  More cervical massage, walked up and down the stairs, bounced on the ball, MORE Black & Blue Cohosh, and Andy cooked a big pot of Sinigang Soup for everyone to share.

[Laboring by the sea at the Turtle Cove behind my midwife's house.]

Finally around 10pm I gave in again and decided just to rest.  I had gotten in and out of the birthing tub a few times to try it out but because labor was taking so long it kept cooling down to a lukewarm, icky feeling [to me] temperature so I didn't like it as much as I was anticipating.

Fell asleep and woke up around 1:30 when Grace, my midwife asst./doula, was doing some fetal heart checks.  Started feeling contractions a little at this point and they seemed like they MIGHT be getting stronger so I decided to stay awake and see what happened.  

Took a hot bath, which made my contractions stop completely so I got out.  Around 3:30am I FINALLY started feeling them!  At this point I was so tired of waiting and wondering and somehow even doubting that this baby would ever come out that I was glad to be feeling something! 

Around 4:30 the contractions started getting to the unbearable point and I asked to be checked so I could gauge how much time I thought I might have left.  Surprise, it was time to push!  Heck yeah.

The first few pushes felt awesome as opposed to the pain of contractions but for some reason the contractions after that were excruciating.  At this point I was super tired after 3 days of not much sleep and despite me thinking I would want to be in the tub or in a different position the most comfortable thing for me was laying down propped up on pillows.

[Our newest squishy.  Sweetheart Tulip Bea. <3]

My midwife was super calming and gentle and I had a great support system with Grace and Andy reassuring me that I could do it when I was literally screaming that I couldn't do it anymore.

I pushed opposite of my contractions for awhile because it was the only thing I could do and I pushed when I felt like it, I got to watch in the mirror and could see Tulip making her way down.

At this point my water still hadn't broken and we were wondering if we might get one of those cool babies born in the caul.  The next contraction I was able to push with and my water bag popped and Andy & Selena were quick enough to jump out of the way!

A few pushes after that she was crowning and I could definitely feel this little girl had a big head!  

Selena tried to slow me down but at this point I wasn't in the mood to listen to anybody and pushed anyways.  Tulip came out with her hand next to her face [nuchal hand] which I have now researched can "cause intense pain."  Sounds about right.  

Born right into her Daddy's arms. <3

[Just born. <3]

She was born at 5:19am on October 5th, 2012.

8 lbs. 2 oz. 18 inches long.

Our little pumpkin.  Our shortest and chubbiest baby yet!

I don't know if your labor and birth have anything to do with a baby's personality but Tulip Bea is definitely a sweetheart.  She had a gentle slow calm journey into this world and is such a peaceful baby.

Her name definitely suits her, she is our Forgiveness baby, reminding us we all need forgiveness.

Bea means blessed & she who brings happiness.  She is such a blessing to us and I cannot stop kissing her fat little cheeks.

I am so thankful for the way she was brought into this world, that I had such a safe and comforting place to give birth.  That I had such supportive people with me for the end of this pregnancy journey and I'm still just amazed at all of it. 

What to bring to the home birth away from home. [Nutella Cookie Crisps!]

With my impending labor coming any day now, really ANY DAY.  Hopefully.  I pray.

I was browsing Pinterest and as much as I love that site, like super love it, as I'm sure most of you can tell sometimes the things I see are just ridiculous?  

Or maybe just ridiculous to me.  Like one pin was 100 Toddler Meals!

Goldfish crackers & cut up hot dogs?  Wow, thanks for the tips Pinterest.  But I'll pass.

So I thought what would be a helpful list for me?  I know I have a certain niche I'm looking for and couldn't find it and blog material has been weak lately so I decided to post a list of what I'm bringing for my home birth away from home. 

Also a little side plug and because as always I'm not actually sure where I'm going with any of this, if you are at all interested in home birth 

watch the first 15 minutes of Jim Gaffigan's Mr. Universe stand-up.

hi.la.rious.  

Ask my husband, he had to listen to me busting up for an hour and a half.  

[Note to self!!!]

Note: I haven't actually had this birth yet so some of these things might be unnecessary, pretty much the same as when you pack a hospital bag and never end up using the yoga mat and birthing ball cause they won't let you get out of bed.  Hmm. 

So first things first! 

Baby stuff:

Car Seat

 [As hippie as we may be we still believe in safety, 

can't wear the baby in a Moby wrap home unfortunately.]

My Mom sent us this cool thing called a Pattem, which is basically like a big round changing pad that you unfold and it has small pockets all around for the baby's stuff.  It's kind of amazing when you breastfeed what a small amount of stuff a newborn really needs besides Mommy!

So in her Pattem is:  2 cloth G-Diapers in XS, 4 diaper inserts, 8 cloth wipes, her little Bee coming home outfit, 2 headband bows [cause I can't resist] Yellow & White, in case she's born with crazy amounts of hair like her big sister! Monogrammed wet bag, cause she's fancy, && a muslin swaddling blanket! 

[The Pattem!]

We will probably only be at the midwife's house for about 4 hours or so after birth so this should be plenty!  I think.....I hope.  Like I said I've never done this before so I'm getting kinda Type A on myself thinking everything is going to go wrong last minute.  Ack. 

Now for the Mommy bag!

. 1 package Chucks Pads [birth is a messy ordeal!]

.1 package giant size pads. [so fun!]

.brush [Just cause I like my hair to be brushed. Haha.]

.Bathing Suit

.Sarong

.Camera w/charged battery & camera card

.Comfy outfit to wear home

.Peri Bottle

.Gum

.Chapstick

.Massage Oil & Cream

.Lavender, Wild Orange & Clary Sage Essential Oils

.Contacts & Solution [I have a feeling my glasses will drive me nuts if I end up doing water birth]

.Emergen-C & Calcium w/Magnesium Pills to make Labor-Aid

.Toothbrush

So that's it!  Still sounds like a lot and I guess it is but my midwife has all the fun stuff at her house like the birthing tub, birthing ball, etc.  I really can't wait for this little girl to get here and even to get to experience giving birth again, especially in such a different way than my first 3.

Hopefully the next blog I write is about the birth of  Tulip Bea!

Even 40+ weeks pregnant I still have cravings.  Honestly, I have cravings pregnant or not.  At least I like to call them cravings, everyone else seems to just think I'm picky.  But anyways, I have been wanting CHOCOLATE.  Mmm.  After much searching for things in the pantry I found all the stuff I needed for these guys, and chocolatey they were! 

Nutella Cookie Crisps

1/2 cup Nutella

1/2 cup Brown Sugar

1/2 cup chocolate chips

1/2 beaten egg [Weird I know but I cut the original recipe in half.]

1/2 teaspoon Baking Soda

3 tbs. Flour

[1] Preheat oven to 350 degrees and line cookie sheets with parchment paper.

[2] Mix all ingredients except chocolate chips together.

[3] Gently fold in chocolate chips.

[4] Drop tablespoons of dough onto parchment paper, about 3 inches apart.

These WILL spread!

[5] Bake about 9 minutes, watch them!  

Let cool and enjoy!

They come out kinda soft & chewy in the middle and crunchy on the edges.

Addicting and chocolate overload, for sure eat these with milk!

I also recommend eating them the day of cause if they sit they'll get soft, 

which you might like but I liked them crispier. 

And just so I don't bag on Pinterest too much, forgive me Pinterest! 

I also got this super cool idea the other day and had to do it although Tulip will most likely not be eating anything for at least 9 months!  

[Hook for baby bibs on the back of your high chair!]

      I love projects that require me only to buy 1 thing, for less than $5 that I can do myself without nagging Andy to get out the drill or something.                             

The Pregnant Mommy Wall [w/Cheesy Chicken Jalapeno Bake]

The end is drawing near.  Just not near enough.

I've hit the pregnant Mommy wall.  And it's not even my due date yet.

Pregnant Mommy wall is kinda like what I imagine Runner's Wall is, since I don't run and have no intention to unless my life depended on it.  Some women hit that wall at 12 weeks, and you will hear ALL about it on their Facebook for the next 5 months.  Oh yes, lucky us. 

My back hurts and if not my back then my ribs or my head.  That might be from the other kids but who knows at this point?  People are starting to drive me [more] crazy than usual and Andy is doing more damage control than normal.  I really want to savor this last little bit of time, I really do, but I can't.

I'm just so grumpy.  So hot.  I feel like a roly-poly especially in the middle of the night when the thought of getting up to go to the bathroom sounds almost worst than peeing in the bed.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep. The baby feels so huge inside of me now that when she moves I literally feel elbows & knees poking out of my stomach.  Ahh, the joys of pregnancy.  As much as I complain about it all tho I am trying to hold onto that joy.  The same advice I would give to my expecting Mamas I'm trying to give myself, although I'm probably more stubborn than most of them and hate unwanted advice, even my own.

[39 weeks!]

I know in a week or two this will [most likely, please God let it be] over and these last few days will be just a blur of 3 kids instead of 4.  Of preparing for her instead of holding her.  Of feeling her stretch on the inside instead of little feet on the outside.  Pregnancy is such a short time and I know what a blessing it is that I CAN have healthy pregnancies.  I have lost babies in my lifetime and I never want to seem ungrateful for the lives we have been blessed with.  When all I want to do is complain I'm trying to remember all God has blessed me with.

The 3 beautiful faces I kiss everyday.
The 1 wonderful husband that is always there to hold my hand, and give me a shove when I need help getting out of bed.
The 2 little feet currently kicking the crap out of me from the inside.

As much as I complain I am thankful for it all.

And food!  I am so thankful for that.  I have become a ravenous beast towards the end of this pregnancy and have gained 18 pounds so far.  My inner low self-esteem teenage girl is trying not to shriek in terror and calm myself down knowing it is normal, healthy & good for the baby to gain weight.  With Lily I lost 15 pounds, with Jonas I lost 10 & with Oliver I think I gained 5 so I'm also getting a little paranoid that this is a monster little girl.

So I've been known to eat dinner.  Than a bowl of cereal & than 5 clementine oranges.
I can't be stopped.  I'm the bottomless pit!
I made this the other night and it's one of those things you just can't stop eating.
It was so good and easy.  Just one more thing to be thankful for.

Cheesy Chicken Jalapeno & Rice Bake.
[Also known as Murderous Mayan Mexican Bake,
since we've been watching a lot of Sons of Anarchy lately.]

2 cups rice [I used a mixture of white & brown but you probably could use either or]
2 cups [8 oz.] shredded Monterey Jack Cheese
2 Jalapenos diced small [We like stuff hot so do less if you don't!]
1 cup evaporated Milk
1/3 cup chopped Cilantro
1 1/2 cups cooked diced chicken [I used all white meat]
Salt & Pepper to taste
2 eggs, beaten
2 tbs. melted butter

[1] Preheat oven to 350 degrees & butter a 2 quart casserole dish.
[2] Mix all ingredients together in a bowl and pour into casserole dish.
[3] Bake for 50-60 minutes until a knife comes out clean.
[4] Enjoy!

I served this with tomato slices [for Andy] and tortilla chips, just for a crunch but it's fine without!