Dear Former Church.

Dear Church,

I think it's finally time to let go.  I've been struggling with this for some time and I honestly thought that you hadn't hurt me that much.  That I could just let it go without any processing and before I just didn't have the time to think about it.  I had four young kids to take care of, five college classes to pass and one very hurt and depressed husband that mattered more to me than you did at the time.
But as time has passed, Andy has healed, thank God, I passed my classes with three A's and two B's and we've left the place that we came to love so much I started to realize that maybe I'm not over it.  Maybe I haven't even begun to process it and now as I've come out of the fog to find myself in a different state both literally and mentally I think I'm ready to let it out and let it go.
Since the leaders in our church didn't care much to hear our side of the story or to think of us much at all I have decided it's something I need to do on my own whether you want to hear it or not.  My husband has shared his side of the story and while we are one his story is not the same as mine.  So church, I just wanted to let you know, you hurt me.  When my family needed your support and love more than ever you turned your backs on us.  When my husband was so physically injured that he could not walk and his mind was turning on him you shrugged your shoulders, not your problem.  When I told you he stumbled and fell and couldn't make it down the stairs your first thoughts were not of prayer or concern but, "So is he working today?"
If I said this began and ended with Kevin that would be a lie, we put our hearts and souls into building up our church in every way possible.  We literally lived and breathed that old busted down, leaking ceiling, broken toilet, fuse popping place.  I was, mostly, proud to call it both home and my church.  But as time passed we began to feel more used, our job situation made us feel more like indentured servants than respected vital parts of the operation.  We were expected to take care of all aspects of the building, fix broken things with our own finances, which weren't much, and do it all while being mentally abused by members of the church.  While nothing was good enough for you it was all we could do.  We strived to make the church building a place of trust and love for those that came in, our own friends that had been deeply hurt by the church and Christians, began to let their children be present in a place they didn't trust but because of the love and acceptance we gave to everyone who came to the building and a slow healing began to take place.
As time went on, yes, we felt worn out.  Perhaps that you wouldn't be able to do it without us, and that's where we were very wrong.  As the church grew to accept a new priest, another leader for our parish of about ten, his vision was distinct.  To help the homeless and needy of Oahu, especially veterans, and we were behind him.  We had an empty room on the second floor of our third floor building that we converted into a temporary homeless shelter.  And by converted I mean that my family provided all our own bedding, furnishings and food.  I cooked three meals a day for whichever homeless or needy person was there at the time.  We washed their clothes, we gave them shelter, compassion and love.  We felt it was our purpose to show God's love in the same way we felt it.  We took in people that stole from us, that cursed and threatened us but still we took it in stride, we were not perfect people and we didn't expect perfection from anyone else.  Towards the end of our time at the church we took in a young veteran named Kevin.  Kevin was charismatic, he was also an ex-addict with a lot of mental issues.  But like always, we trusted, we allowed him in our home to shower, he ate dinner at our table with our children and he spent Christmas day with our family.  We felt that everyone deserved to be loved and accepted and who are we to judge another person's sins.
Kevin became a large part of our family life, someone we saw everyday, that we included in our BBQs with friends and movie nights in our home.  He was so grateful for our family and all we had done for him he gave us small amounts of money on occasion to help with the cost of food, etc.  That's when things went wrong.
Kevin found out I had been smoking weed, we are as transparent as we can be about most things in our lives and I have never been ashamed of this.  While I understand where this could be seen as wrong as an active member of my community, a loving Mother and a hard-worker, weed for me is medicine.  A God-given medicine at that, it calms my anxiety and helps me not be overwhelmed.  I have always and probably will always be a smoker, I don't really drink, I curse like a sailor and I am staunchly pro-life.  I am not a perfect person but I have always believed that God cares less for the rules of man and more for the way men, or women, show themselves.  This apparently was not ok with Kevin and he became increasingly angry with us and stopped eating dinner with our family and talking to us all together.  We were sincerely confused, we didn't know where we had gone wrong but we also knew Kevin had extreme PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder, from his time in the military and chalked it up to that.  As time went on he became more aggressive, as he lived in the same building as us he would stare us down and with young children both in our home and in the apartment next to ours we began to be concerned.
We knew at this point that our church did not care about us so we began to become more and more concerned about the situation.  Andy had also hurt himself in the beginning of the year and his health was slowly deteriorating.  He went from being a fully healthy man to  crutches and then eventually a wheelchair, by the end of our ordeal with the church he could no longer stand on his own.  In addition to the stressful home situation we also had trouble trying to establish insurance with the state and his only solace was the emergency room that would just give pain killers and send him home.  As this went on the church called Andy in for a meeting, at this point I had stopped attending church with my children as our church community was a hostile, unloving place.  Families would scream at each other from the front row pews and the elders would constantly scold the kids if they were not silent.  It was not a loving place, I did not feel God's presence and every time one of our friend's would come visit I was so ashamed by the way they and their children were treated.  That's not to say there was never love in our church or even that there was none by the time we left but our church was not a community, it was a place for legalism and name calling.
As Andy entered the meeting he was approached by both of our priests, our deacon, and Kevin.  He sat, in pain, for over an hour while they berated him, told him he was entitled and wrong.  The icing on the cake was when Kevin accused us of stealing funds from the church, the money he had given us for food etc. was now meant for the church and how could we have done this?  Andy called me after the meeting panicking and scared. The church had demanded we pay Kevin back the "thousands" or dollars he had given us without any documentation or proof. During this meeting Kevin told all of the elders of our church that he, "Hated Andy so much that I try not to see him because I want to throw him down the stairs."  After I had heard this exchange I was blown away.  How could our church so willingly trust someone they had known less than two months when we had given so much of ourselves for almost a decade?  When I called our priest to ask him why this would be allowed his response was, "He didn't say he really would do it, just that he wants to."  Needless to say this didn't comfort me and we quit our job that day. Doing so was not an easy decision, everything we had was wrapped up in our church.  Our home, our only source of income, everything.  But anyone being threatened in their own home will understand our urgency, we no longer felt safe.  Kevin had already threatened Andy and we were now locked in a building with him with our four young children and my husband injured enough that he could not protect himself or us.  The next few months were a blur of pain and suffering that we are still trying to wade through.  Andy got worse before he got better, depression set in for both us.  In the span of a week I, and our dear friends, packed our home as fast as we could.  Selling what we could but eventually letting go of almost all our earthly possessions.  I found myself crying as I went through our stuff knowing we could bring little to none of it.  While I know these things  Fleeing our home in the middle of the night I couldn't help but think of all we had lost.
Thus began our time of moving from house to house, I honestly have never been under as much stress in my life.  Juggling school with kids and a husband that could no longer care for them I wanted to give up many many times.  When I sat down to begin this letter I didn't really mean it as a re-hashing of events but am realizing this is what I need to move on....
So, former church, I just wanted to let you know you hurt me, you hurt us.  God tells his followers that there will be pain and suffering I just didn't realize that it would come from within.  It hurt that my family could have been one of the homeless that you were trying so desperately to help, that without the grace and love of our friends we would have been on the streets and our church wouldn't have cared.  We left our home and church in the beginning of March and stayed on island until I could finish my finals a week early in April. Not once did our church leaders call and ask if we were ok, I heard from my former tenants that they went around bashing us and telling everyone what a poor job we did.  Such a poor job that they were content with us doing it for over three years right?  It hurt when Andy wrote the leaders of church, the bishops and priests of other branches of our denomination looking for guidance, comfort, even a kind word and got nothing, he wasn't even worth a response.
I have been filled with anger about this situation for some time, even now as I find my family somehow in Colorado, stunned with the changes that have happened this past year I am having a hard time letting go.  It hurts me to think that my weed smoking was enough to be dismissed, a sinner with no hopes for redemption.   I have wanted to rant and call them and cry and scream about the hurt they have caused us, how betrayed and unloved we have felt by people that call themselves Christians. I am sad that these events have shaken my faith to the core, that I no longer know what I believe, if I believe.  I don't know if I will ever trust a church again or if I even desire to.
I guess that's my end.  I hope I have processed enough to let it go, the anger, the frustration, the hurt.  To know there will never be closure on the other end, that I will never get an apology or even a second glance.  That my sins were enough for our family to be dismissed, that the church would rather look perfect than be forgiving.  Good-bye Church of the Risen Lord, you were my home for so long.  The place I went back to and cherished, I'm sad for how it ended but I will not let your pointed fingers define me.  I still trust that I am a child of God, that I am loved by Him and that it's time to move on.

Nicole Hope.

Happy World Breastfeeding Week! [Tandem Nursing Pictures]

In honor of world breastfeeding week I decided I would write a blog, so exciting, I know.  Breastfeeding for me has been a long and winding journey, when I gave birth to Lily over eight years ago I had no clue that formula wasn't "just as good" as breast milk and that coupled with excruciating pain from a bad latch or tongue tie our breastfeeding relationship was short and full of grief.

With Jonas I tried again, this time breastfeeding wasn't as painful and I was beginning to know more as a Mother and less willing to listen to good-intentioned advice from people that knew even less than me. But again, breastfeeding just wasn't easy and at that time in my life, attempting to sell a home and moving two young children off of an island and back to California, breastfeeding wasn't the priority I wish it would have been.

Fast forward a few more years and along comes Oliver Crash, my breastfeeding champion!  After Oliver's birth which was incredibly hard both physically and emotionally I began to question my choices as a Mother a little bit more which led me to the great big world of "crunchy" mamas.  Breastfeeding is truly a community effort at times and the love, care and understanding I got from other Mothers is what made me love breastfeeding.  I breastfed Oliver through my pregnancy with Tulip and when she was born I tandem nursed them for over a year.  I decided to wean Oliver at the age of 3, a hard decision but one that I felt right about.  I will forever be grateful for the nourishment and bond I was able to give him.

Little Miss Tulip Bea was born to nurse and our journey has been smooth and primarily easy so far!  For those of you that wonder or didn't know; breastfeeding is like most things in life, lots of good and some bad.  There will be tears, sleepless nights, bite marks on your nipples and a small hand down your shirt most of the time.  But, there will also be sleepy-milky smiles, endless snuggles, the ability to comfort and calm, the power to nourish.

I have been a formula-feeding Mom and I have been a breastfeeding Mom, neither of those define you as a Mother but I can guarantee that one of those will change you. <3

These pictures are courtesy of Lisa Hoang at Simply Baby Photography in Kailua, Hawaii.
I took these last year when Tulip was maybe 9 months and Oliver was 2 1/2.  The Hawaii government was looking for pictures of local looking Moms to use in a new pamphlet for breast pumps.  While I didn't get picked, maybe the green hair? It was still such an honor to be considered and I will forever have these beautiful pictures to remember such an amazing time.

Amber necklace from Half Moon Mothering. :) 

Lilyʻs "Deliciously Donut" 8th Birthday Sleepover [w/ Corn, Edamame & Black Bean Salad]

In our family we donʻt have birthdays.  No, weʻre more birthday week kind of people.  In a family of six I really enjoy being able to focus on one person and remember why they in particular are so special to our family unit.  Last week our oldest child turned eight.  I still canʻt believe it, I feel like Iʻm still in a little bit of shock.  Like I gave birth 8 years ago and forget everything up until today and how do I already have an eight year old? Breathe.

For Lilyʻs birthday she really wanted to have a sleepover with her best girl friends.  They had a blast playing dress-up, shrieking and running in circles and watching movies into all hours of the night.  Literally, all hours, I got the last one to sleep around 2am.  Mom life is hardcore sometimes.

The theme for her sleepover was Deliciously Donut!

Cake by Mom!  I used this awesome Wilton cake pan that can do any number or letter.

Happy Birthday to Me shirt from Childrenʻs Place via Noni of course! 

Chocolate Milk and Sprinkles for breakfast, what else could a little girl ask for?

Lilyʻs birthday "cake"! 

Happy Birthday Lily Pax!  You are loved. 

Teaching Daddy how to make a bracelet, her new favorite hobby. 

Pre-sleepover spaghetti dinner with friends!  

In addition to her birthday sleepover we had; cupcakes at the beach with friends (twice!), went to see the new Planes: Fire & Rescue movie and went to the annual Midsummerʻs Night Gleam at Fosterʻs Botanical garden.  All in all a great week to celebrate a rad little girl.

On the night we saw Planes we had dinner at a friendʻs house in Waikiki and since I had a random bunch of corn I decided to make this salad.  Super light, fresh, and fast it was great on a hot day.  I took the pictures before I added the cilantro but I really like the flavor with it included. 

Corn, Black Bean and Edamame Salad

2 ears of corn, cooked, with kernels cut off

1 can of black beans, rinsed

1 jalapeño, diced 

1 cup shelled edamame, cooked

1/4 cup cilantro leaves, chopped

For the vinaigrette:

2 limes, zest & juice

1/4 cup Apple Cider Vinegar

1/4 cup honey

1/4 cup olive oil

salt & pepper

• Combine corn, black beans, jalapeño and edamame in a large bowl.
• In a separate jar combine all ingredients for vinaigrette adding salt & pepper to taste,  mix dressing well and pour over salad ingredients. 
• Add fresh cilantro and toss to combine.
• Cover dish and refrigerate at least one hour.  

You say Aweo, I say Weo! [Basic quiche recipe]

A couple of days ago we joined a few friends for a relaxing brunch on the beach.  Aweoweo Beach Park is one of those places we love we just donʻt make it there very often.  The beach park has clean bathrooms, a dilapidated playground & of course a beautiful view!

 To say Iʻve been a bit scatterbrained lately is probably an understatement.  As I was planning this brunch with friends I had grand ideas of all the delicious things I would make. in the end I had an hour and luckily a refrigerated pie crust and some eggs.  Which means, ta da! Quiche!  Quiche is one of the first foods I learned to make without a recipe and rarely fails me.  You can add whatever you have in the fridge and get a full meal with little prep or actual cooking. 

 A beautiful view of Aweoweo Beach. this is the view from our picnic table so the beach is pretty close to where you can set -up.  My favorite thing since eating food with sand in it is just not fun for anybody, except for maybe my 20 month old that eats sand by the handful. 

 For some reasons there were tons of sea turtles out that day!  I even got to put on the snorkel mask and swim around with them and creepily watch them as they eat limu off the coral reef. 

 Overall another beautiful morning in Hawaii, all of which I am very thankful for!  

Zucchini Bacon Quiche with Goat Cheese and Fresh Basil

1/2 package bacon, any kind works

1 small-medium zucchini, diced

5 large eggs

1 pre-made pie crust, I like Immaculate Bakery

3/4 cup heavy cream, or Whole Milk

Salt & Pepper

6 leaves fresh basil 

Goat Cheese, to taste

• Cook bacon until crisp, crumble and set aside.
• Preheat oven to 375 degrees 
• Lightly saute zucchini in a little olive oil, just a few minutes, it will continue cooking in oven.
• In a pie dish, unroll pie crust and press firmly into dish so there are no air bubbles.  Crimp edge fancy if you want. 
• Sprinkle cooled bacon and zucchini on top of pie crust.
• In a medium bowl whisk together eggs, cream and salt & pepper.  Pour mixture on top of bacon and zucchini. 
• Cut basil into thin ribbons and sprinkle over egg mixture. 
• Crumble goat cheese on top of edge mixture, use as much or as little as you would like.  
• Bake quiche at 375 degrees for 45 minutes or until itʻs no longer jiggly.
• Serve warm or at room temp! 

I think a change will do you good.

At what point did my life change? How did I go from being the geeky punk girl to the Mom with four kids that enjoys a nice evening in pinning things for daughterʻs eighth donut party sleepover?  I feel like after the point of thirty itʻs kind of mandatory to have your shit together, or at least to understand your own self a little bit more.

But I donʻt even know.  Iʻm on my first "real" Summer break before school starts again in August, only real in the sense that I took two full-load semesters last year and beginning with the semester coming up I will be taking five classes a semester until I graduate.  While I thought Summer vacation would be some fantasy world full of free Starbucks and yoga on the beach- it feels almost worse then being in school.  I still canʻt catch up with the house, I still get frustrated with my kids, stress and real life are still the same I just donʻt have the excuse of homework anymore.  Ahh, where I made the mistake was believing that not going to school would reduce my anxiety level really it just adds on to my normal anxiety level which can never be lowered.  Ha.  Right.

So yeah, Iʻm working on it.  I thought that since I allegedly do have all this free time I no longer have the excuse not to blog either.  I love blogging, I just havenʻt figured out my "thing" yet.  Sounds about right.  I guess Iʻm willing to keep trying to figure it out.

I have done a lot more cooking and baking since being on break but I've been a bit lazy and weary to continue using social media to post my pictures first and then copy and paste them on to here.  Which is Iʻm sure the most rudimentary way to do that but like I said before, I really suck at anything computer related.  I just need to get back into writing and posting and etc. but for just this time instead Iʻll just give you a link for some awesome Apple Crumb muffins I made for my book club last week.  They were moist and everyone loved them even my fruit-hating son.

Enjoy and Aloha!

Glazed Apple Crumb Muffins

http://sallysbakingaddiction.com/2014/06/10/glazed-apple-crumb-muffins/

Whirlwind Woman [Happy Birthday Oreo Cake Batter Blondies!]

So, lately life has been a whirlwind.  I'm sure most people understand that.  Not enough time for anything, or just a little time for everything and nothing finished.  Kind of like how I clean the house, as I walk from room to room I stop and fold some laundry here, pick up some trash there, throw some toys in a bin over here.....the end result is nothing really being done.

But for now, I'm okay with that.  We recently decided as a family that I will be continuing my college education for oh, 6 more years or so.  The decision was daunting and it required a lot for me to realize that I will not, cannot be the Mom that does everything.  Taking a full college load, being a mother of 4 young children, working part-time in addition to being a wife, friend, and very sporadic blogger means I cannot do it all.  And on the worst days I can't do any of it.

I'm trying my best for now, to relax about it.  I have come to understand that my anxieties are not just my own but a burden on my family and also in direct relation to my trust in God.  If He has set me on this path I must trust that each day will take care of itself.  My laundry may never be completely done, my kid's might have unbrushed hair and unorganized rooms but ours hearts will be full.

So for now, while school takes priority over mopped floors and alphabetized blu-rays [yes, I do that.] I will do what I can.  And what I can do is make this awesome dessert in under 5 minutes.  Super easy. not healthy in the slightest, and my kid's loved them.  Hopefully when I've finished my Masters I'll look back at this time in our lives and be joyful about the things I let go.

Happy Birthday Oreo Cake Batter Blondies

• 1 box Yellow Cake Mix
• 15 Golden Happy Birthday Oreos, chopped. 
• 1/4 cup coconut oil
• 1/2 cup sprinkles
• 1/3 cup milk 
• 1 egg

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease an 11x7 pan.
2. Combine cake mix, coconut oil, egg and sprinkles.
3. Slowly add milk and stir together, batter will be thick!  This is good. :)
4. Once combined fold in 3/4 of your chopped Oreos and 3/4 of your sprinkles.
5. Pour into the greased pan and sprinkle reserved Oreos and sprinkles on top.
6. Bake for 28 minutes until edges are slightly brown.
7. Remove from oven and let cool completely so blondies can set.
8. Enjoy! 

The Vegan Challenge [Vegan Bluberry Muffins]

[Aloha home!  Until we meet again. <3]

Ok, I admit it.
 I feel a little bit better.  

We're on day three of our experimental vegan cleanse and I feel slightly better.

A little healthier maybe but my face is breaking out more?  Unrelated maybe, but still.

I read somewhere that a vegan diet for two weeks is a good cleanse for your body and after almost three weeks in California and eating a lot more Mexican food than usual I felt all gross and thought coming back home would be a good time to try it.  

We had no food at home because we got rid of almost everything before we left for California.  

We had ketchup and chocolate almond milk in the fridge pretty much.

So the day we got back from California, yes the same day, like after a 6 hour long flight with 4 young kids, I went grocery shopping.  Not a cool move, I felt like dying when we got home but anyways I got all the stuff we needed to start our Vegan diet thing and we began!  I know some Vegans, I know lots of people who have been Vegan at some point in their life and I am amazed by you.  I can't handle it, it makes me want to cry everyday thinking of all the eggs and cheese and crispy prosciutto I could have eaten.  But we're doing ok.  We're on day three and it has been hard everyday!  Haha.  I have no idea what to cook and beans are not in my repertoire.

 [A stop in Santa Cruz, the swings are just so pretty!]

My cousin texted me that she was going to go Vegan for a week too so we could text each other about how hard it is.  She's already a vegetarian so I think it's a head start, but still.  So here we go!  Looking forward to seeing how I feel on day 7.  We decided to go just one week instead of two because we're lazy and miss good food.  For me it's also a test of willpower.  I don't have any.  If I want something I figure out a way to get it but I wanted to test myself to see if I would actually do what I said I'm going to do.  I say random things I'm going to do all the time like: I'm going to join a roller derby team!  I'll take the bus.  I'm just going to Target for a couple things!  But then I never do those things, so I'm kind of forcing myself to do something I say I'm going to do.

[Sunflowers in Avila Beach!]

So here they are, Vegan Blueberry Muffins.  They taste good I'm just kind of weirded out about the avocado in them, hot or cold I couldn't really taste it so.....yum!  Try them out!

Vegan Blueberry Muffins

[adapted from www.averiecooks.com]

Flesh from 1 very ripe medium Hass Avocado, mashed well.  About 3/4 cup.

3/4 cup granulated sugar

1/4 cup brown sugar, packed.

1/3 cup Coconut Oil

1/3 cup Blueberry Coconut Yogurt

2 tsp. Vanilla extract

3/4 tsp. Cinnamon

3/4 tsp. Nutmeg

1 cup AP Flour

1 tsb. Baking Powder

1 cup fresh Blueberries, tossed in 2 tsb. Flour.

1.  Preheat an oven to 400 degrees F and line 16 muffin tins with liners.

2.  In a large bowl mash the avocado, the softer the better.  

3.  Stir in the oil, sugars, yogurt, cinnamon, vanilla and nutmeg until all combined.

4.  Fold in flour and baking powder until just mixed.  Do not overmix.

5.  Fold in berries tossed in fruit and divide batter evenly in lined pan.

6.  Bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes, lower to 350 degrees and bake an additional 20 minutes.

Veg on.